002 - Our child are worst with us
Parenting the Intensity ·
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Transcript
Today on Parenting the Intensity, we'll talk about the fact that often our kids are worst with us, and that can make us feel very, very bad. Welcome to Parenting the Intensity, where we'll talk all about how we can drop the general parenting advice that doesn't work with our emotionally intense kids anyway, and let go of the unrealistic expectations society puts on us as parents. Together, we'll find solutions and ideas that work for you and your kids. Chances are, deep down, you know what they need. But you need a little encouragement to keep going on harder days and permission to do things differently and help you fully trust that you already are a wonderful parent to but challenging kids. So this is something I really hear often. Like what's happening? My kids is worse with theirs with me. When they're at school, they care. The grandparents, they're OK. They're not doing anything. People think that my kid's perfect. But when they're with me, it's another story. And this is very, very common. So I just want to normalize that aspect and make you feel maybe a little bit better about it. So when our kids, especially our emotionally intense kids, have our birth or meltdown, and I don't use tantrums on purpose because tantrum is something that has a very negative social association is associated with like the terrible two with air quotes. And that's not what's happening.
And in fact, it's the same thing. But yeah, I just want to remove that negative aspect because our birth or meltdown is when our kids are they're struggling. They're not doing that on purpose to make our life harder. Just like a two year old doesn't make it on purpose to make our life harder, it's because they're not able to deal emotionally with anything like what's happening to them because it's happening to them. So that's the first thing once again to keep in mind. It's that when they're having a hard time, we're also having a hard time. So I want you to think about the fact that when you feel bad, when you're sad, when you're angry, do you open up to the person like to anybody? No, you open up to the person that you feel comfortable with, your life partner or your best friend. But do you open to your boss?
Most probably not. You open with people you feel safe with. We all do that. And so our kids do the same. They don't know how to open properly though. Like we do. We will know how to open properly. Although sometimes we don't. We know how, but we're not able to. When we have a really bad day and we lash out, our kids or our partners, it's because we can't contain it anymore. And we would do the same. We melt down. So it's the same for our kids. When they are back in a safe space, in a safe situation, they just explode because they have been keeping it together in front of the people they're not comfortable with. And now that they feel safe, they feel safe to explode, which I know feel awful, but that's reality. And we need to not feel awful about it, even if it's hard, because it means our kids feel safe with us. That's where they're the safest. And often in a family, they will melt down more with one parent than the other. And that's hard for both parents for different reasons. It means they feel safer with one of them. Or it can also mean they know that one parent can contain them more easily than the other one can. For different reasons. It doesn't have anything bad to do with one parent or another. We are just all different on those aspects. But one parent can be just stronger on that point and be able to contain the outbursts. Because kids that melt down are emotionally intense kids. When they do that, it's because they're completely overwhelmed and they don't know how to express it properly, like in a socially acceptable way.
So they just de-integrate and they look like a mess. And they might throw things, they might spit, they might kick, they might do a lot of things that are artful and that are really hard for us to deal with. And for that reason, the parent who's on the other side of it needs to be able to contain that and be scaffolding a container around that for the kids to feel safe. And it's when they feel safe that they will be able to do that. That's why it often is with one parent more than the other. Or it can be both parents in a different way too. Or it can even be other people in the family. Just because they feel safe with those people. Often it will be with people outside of the family, but it can happen. Sometimes they will feel very comfortable with a teacher or a family friend or someone like that. And it's okay too, as long as they're somewhere, someone to where they feel safe expressing those feelings. And we don't have to accept the things that are very violent especially. We can say that that's not appropriate, but without shaming or blaming. Because they're not in control of what's happening right now. They are doing just what they need to let things go out. That's it.
They're not planning it at all. It's just getting out. And there's a lot of things out there. I know that's a message that we see, but there's also the opposite message. And I really want to address that. Because it's partially true, but just partially. The other message is that it's the dialogue between the kid and us that makes it what's happening. And to some extent it's true. We can put fire all in the fire. We can. If we give in on the triggers, and if it's triggering us, and we give in and we get in with our kids, we can put oil on the fire for sure. So that's why it's important to stay calm, even if it's very, very hard. And regulate ourselves, which is something we'll talk more about in upcoming episodes. But it's very important to stay calm and regulate ourselves so we can be there for our kids. And we can contain them when they have a hard verse and not put oil on the fire. Because that's absolutely not the goal. And they won't feel safe if that happens. They might keep doing that because it's the only place where they can. And the other thing is that some kids will be very intense and throwing, kicking, things like that. Others will be more emotional, like more crying or whining or things like that, which is socially more acceptable, but can trigger us in different ways. So this is also something to keep in mind. And different people will be more triggered by some, I mean, different parents will be more triggered by one or the other way to express themselves as the kids do. So next time you have the feeling that your kids are doing that to make your life miserable, or you feel like you're a bad parent because your kids are doing that at home and at school, remind yourself that they're doing it in the place they feel the safest. And not because they are better at school. Like they do better, but it's because they don't feel as safe as they do with you. I'm so glad you joined me today and took that time out of your intense life to focus on finding a new way to parent that works for you and your kids. To get the episodes as soon as they drop, make sure to subscribe to the podcast and please left a rating and review so other parents can find it too. Also check out all the free resources on my website at familymoments.ca so you can take action on what's the most important for you right now. And take a deep breath, keep going, we're all in this together.