005 - Advocating for our kids

Parenting the Intensity · Aug 01, 2023

Transcript

Today on Parenting the Intensity, I'll talk to you about advocating for your kids. Welcome to Parenting the Intensity, where we'll talk all about how we can drop the general parenting advice that doesn't work with our emotionally intense kids anyway, and let go of the unrealistic expectations society puts on us as parents. Together, we'll find solutions and ideas that work for you and your kids.

Chances are, deep down, you know what you need. But you need a little encouragement to keep going on harder days, and permission to do things differently, and help you fully trust that you already are a wonderful parent to your exceptional but challenging kids. Advocating for your kids Advocating for your kids might be something a bit foreign for some of you. Some of you might be very, like, know that very well. So I'll start with what advocating means for those of you who are not familiar. But basically, advocating is just making, defending your kids in some aspect. It's making their needs known and met by others. By ourselves, sometimes we need them to advocate to us. We need to learn to listen to them. It's their way to advocate for themselves in front of us. But in the more official way, it really is, in general, Advocating to health care system, or school system, day care system, like any kind of system, societal system, that might not see or be able to recognize and support your kids in the needs that they have. And with emotionally intense kids, like with any kids with special needs, it's often, and I would say it's always necessary to do it.

And I don't use that word lightly because it's a word that I basically never use. I'm a very nuanced kind of person and I don't use never always often. But in the case of advocacy, you'll have to do it. Your kids really require you as a parent, require us as parents to advocate for them. Because the system is made in a way that that's not a sustain, like it's not supporting for them. And so you'll have many occasion to to both add with the system and need to do to talk for them because they're kids and they cannot express their needs. And they cannot defend themselves. They could not advocate for themselves yet. And advocacy is one of my passion. I have training in social work and it's part of the social work training for sure. And it was when I was working in a children's hospital with kids with special needs, I would say it was one of my favorite part of the job was advocating for the families I was working with, for them to get the services that they needed. And sometimes it would take me days, weeks and months to get the right service for the family because the system was not made to deliver that service or there was bugs or there was cracks. And I had to to fight and work and work the cracks of the system to be able to find the right way to support those family. And as much as I love doing that for other families and I as much as I was having no trouble doing it for other families, like calling all the way everybody in a system, pulling favors, pulling. I would do anything for those family to get the services that they needed to get those kids what they needed, the support they needed. And I would not let a fight go without having found a way. As much as I was doing that for those families, it's very hard still to do it for myself or my kids. It's so I just want to like recognize how hard it can be to do that because we're in a society where for most people we don't want to disturb. We don't want to be in conflict with people. So advocating sometimes mean getting in conflict doesn't mean we have to fight per se, but it's disrupting the order of things. It's definitely putting up in a position where we're uncomfortable. And yes, it can mean us being seen as that mom who always complained for their kids, that parent, that father. Yes, we can be seen as that. Why? Because the system is not made for our kids. And so we have to fight again and again and again, which is very hard because then on top of having to fight for our kids needs to be seen, understood and met. We have to fight again. That's just that judgment of us not being basically a good parent because we don't bend.

That's what it means. That judgment, in fact, but it's very, very hard. The first step, I would say, to be able to do that is to know to know your kids needs. If you don't know your kids needs, you're going to go there and ask for what? You have no clue. So we really need to know those needs. And so the first thing is to play the detective. You will need to start at home and to find solution that works at home to be able to then advocate for your kids. And I know it's not always that linear. And sometimes we need to advocate for our kids like right now or like yesterday or last year. And we don't have the time to play detective. But it's still like if you don't have that time, if you need to do it right now, follow your instinct. You know, you already know, you know lots of things about your kids. Just take a moment, take a piece of paper and a pen. And I really believe in pen and paper for those kind of things. And just start writing. Start writing who your kid is, what their strength, what are their struggles. And you'll find a lot of things that you might know unconsciously to some aspect. And I have I have a tool like that you can go on. I have a workbook on my website that you can buy for that.

But basically it gets down like it will run like you run in some specific questions to really reflect really deeply. But you can definitely just out there a pen and paper and what's your kid, who's your kid, what's what they need. You know a lot already. So just start there. And then the other thing is to know your legal rights and your kids legal rights. And I'm not saying you need to read the law or anything. You can definitely find a short version of what the law is based on like health care system, local law or school system, local law. In general, you'll find organisms that have put like a resume, like really short version of the law, which you can. Yeah, you can use those instead of trying to understand the law because that's very hard. Let's be honest, unless you're you're a lawyer. And the other aspect is to know your kids reality. If you have a diagnosis, it's easier for sure, because you can research on that diagnosis. What's hard for a lot of us is that we have an emotionally intense kids that are acting in a way that doesn't fit the norm with air quotes.

And we don't know why. And so it's very hard to advocate when we don't have a diagnosis or a paper or something from a professional, because then those people won't believe us. And I'm more thinking of school or daycare system right now. But then sometimes it's advocating to go get those information, to go get those diagnosis. And I'm going to address diagnostic in another episode, because you might not be comfortable with that idea. And I completely understand that. So it's another topic for another day. But I would say an advocacy, knowing what the diagnosis and having a paper from a professional will support you in your effort. It's not essential, but it's definitely helpful, because then people can believe you more. Because as sad as it is, professionals are more believable than the parents when it comes to a child's needs.

Don't ask. So knowing what's happening with your kids is super essential, even if you don't have an official diagnosis. And you might never have one, depending on what's going on with your kid. But knowing what's happening is essential and being able to express it also in a way that is not too confrontational. And that taken into account the other person or the other setting perspectives. Like we cannot ask, for example, like a school setting to be completely adapted to our kid when they have like 25 kids in the classroom. It's just not possible for them. So we need to be able to adapt what we do at home in a one on one basis, basically, to the setting they're in at that moment. That is like we have to find a middle ground between what our kids need and what's possible. And sometimes what's possible is different than what we think at first and what they think at first. The same as if we need like we want our kids evaluated for something and people are saying, no, no, your kid is fine. You know your kids, you know, if something is not fine. And now I want to say like a little apart, like sometimes we don't realize things are not fine. Like it took me like my kids, my older kids got diagnosis. They were teens. Things were hard, but we were dealing with it was not that bad. So it might be your case. It's not that bad. And one year with one teacher, it works. It's OK.

It's OK. And then the next year, it's a total disaster. And then you're like, OK, really need to do something and find a solution. And then the setting changes and oh, no, it's going OK again. So it sometimes is very hard to know if we are the problem as a parent, if the set of cool setting is the problem, if it's a mix. Is there really something going on with my kids or is it just normal developmental age? We're not all versed in exactly what our kids should be doing. But if you feel that something is off, like something is not right and you're you keep asking your doctor, for example, to have a reference to for an evaluation. And the doctor keeps saying no, but you deep down, you know, something's off. Keep asking. Change doctor as hard as that can be in some places. Find a way to get what you want and what you are sure your kids needs. And I know that's hard and again, very easy to say, very hard to do. But believe that what you know about your kids is true and that your feeling is most likely true. That can be very scary. But you what you think might totally be true. And yeah, we can address the fact that some of us have anxiety and then we can blow things up.

And then, yeah, for sure, there's that thing, too. But most of the time, what you think about your kids, you're right. And this is going to have a huge impact, not only on your kid and your family, if you advocate for them, it's going to have a huge impact on all the other kids that will come after that have similar needs or even just different needs than the norm. So if it's hard for you to do that for your own kid, as it is for me, keep in mind that you're not doing it only for yourself or your own kid. You're doing it also for other kids that are coming after you or that might be in the same classroom. And I might benefit from the changes that are made for your kids. But their parents might not be as willing because they don't know because they don't have the tool or the education to advocate for their kids. Or their kids might not be that bad, air quotes again, yet, or not just not that bad. But they will still benefit from what you put in place that what what's put in place for your kid, because some things can benefit all kids. And if it benefits all kids and it's especially good for yours, why not put it on place? You know, even if it disrupt a little bit what the teacher is used to and even if it disrupt a little bit what that professional is used to. So, yeah, keep in mind that you're not just doing it for yourself. That if that's helpful, is that just putting too much pressure on you and you're like, And you're like, no, if I put that pressure on myself, I'm going to like melt down because I if I don't do it, I'm going to be a negative impact on other. Then don't think about that.

The most important things right now is to help your kids and your family. And if your kids is emotionally intense on the long run, lots of them will be that way in some aspect their entire life because they're that way. Some might have temporary situation like trauma that can be healed. Some might have anxiety that can be medicated. But for some that have autism, for example, that like or any other neurodiversity, they will be like that to some extent in their entire life. Then they will need to learn how to advocate for themselves. And you are the best people to help them learn that. So by starting to advocate for them now and letting be witness to some of it, maybe not all, because sometimes it can be a bit heated and things can be said on about them that is not perfect for their ears. But some of the things that you do to advocate for them is very good for them, both because one day they might have to do it themselves and also because when you defend them that way, they know that the way they are is OK, that they're not wrong.

They're not a problem. They're just that way and they're just need to express their needs, their feeling and that you're there to listen, that you understand, or at least you do the best you can to understand them. And you can help them as best as you can right now in that moment, because it's also always something we need to remember. Someday you won't be able to advocate. Someday you're too tired, you're too overwhelmed to be an advocate for your kid and that's completely normal and that's completely OK. As always, we do the best we can in the moment with the resource we have in. So I encourage you to start small. One thing that is very bothering with you and your kid right now and see if you can change it, at least a tiny little bit. I'm so glad you joined me today and took that time out of your intense life to focus on finding a new way to parent that works for you and your kids. To get the episodes as soon as they drop, make sure to subscribe to the podcast and please left a rating and review so other parents can find it too. Also, check out all the free resources on my website at familymoments.ca so you can take action on what's the most important for you right now. And take a deep breath, keep going, we're all in this together. Thank you.