013 - Parenting differently

Parenting the Intensity · Sep 26, 2023

Transcript

Do you feel like you're doing unconventional parenting? Or what does that even mean? You might be doing it and even not really realizing it. So let's talk about that.

Welcome to Parenting the Intensity, where we'll talk all about how we can drop the general parenting advice that doesn't work with our emotionally intense kids anyway and let go of the unrealistic expectations society puts on us as parents. Together we'll find solutions and ideas that work for you and your kids. Chances are deep down you know what they need but you need a little encouragement to keep going on harder days and permission to do things differently and help you fully trust that you already are a wonderful parent to your exceptional but challenging kids. So first, what is unconventional parenting? It's not one particular thing or parenting approach per se. And anybody can decide that they're doing unconventional parenting. It's not something formal. It's more of a feeling than something specific. It's the impression of going against the norm, basically, and our choice and our decision concerning parenting and our children. So in short, doing unconventional parenting is just doing things differently. And some people will choose to do that, because their values are not the same as their social circle or the society they are in. And so they will choose to do things differently, like on purpose. But with emotionally intense kids, most likely, or with kids with special needs in general, most likely, we are forced into unconventional parenting that we like it or not. And that can be hard sometimes, especially if we're someone who doesn't really love being against social norm. Because we then feel like we are we're a position, what we choose as a greater chance of being judged by society or family or friends, because we're not doing things like they expect us to do. And that feeling of being in a position in confrontation even brings a lot of emotional

fatigue and mental load because we like we would not have that feeling or that fatigue if we were just going with the flow and conforming to the social norm because we would ask ourselves less questions so just that is helpful and we would just follow the path that would be drawn with general recommendation and we would not go be going against the need of our kids because our kids would be able to follow those recommendation and or adapt somewhat to it. But when we have emotionally intense kids, our way to parent end up being different from the norm. Because we like every action that we take, every decision that we make require us to reflect, research, and take a position. We cannot just do things because they're done that way. We need to make decisions. We need to be proactive in those because what we're doing is most likely going to be questioned by those around us, by the society, and even by ourselves, because we're not really rarely sure of what we're doing, because we're kind of testing things out all the time to find what works with our kids. So as tiring as it can be, it's not really a choice for us to be unconventional in our parenting. Because if we don't, we end up being in a position with our kids. So if you feel uncomfortable about the action that you're taking on the decision you're making for your kids, it might be because you're still trying to fit the convention, like the norm as parents, and that's not what works for your kids or family. So maybe you need to switch to more unconventional parenting to make things easier on you. So I thought I would give you a few examples. I have a

child that was taking so long to get ready in the morning, they will get late to school every day. So they ended up sleeping dressed. And that, and to me, that's not that intense, especially now that's been well, but I got a lot of reaction from that. Some people were like mind blown oh my god that's gonna be my solution but for other people it was like oh that's so weird you're letting your kids sleep in like leggings and a t -shirt and yeah why not I mean why wouldn't I was the what was the big deal and at that point I felt a bit weird too but now it sounds just normal for me and honestly what's the negative of that it's just a construct that like socially construct that we need to rest in PJs to sleep. Do we really need that? I'm sure we all don't all do that. So that was a huge solution for us. It made us save 20 minutes every morning, not get late, and just by breaking some normal thing apparently. Same with food. And that was way back when letting our kids eat the way they want to and eating like their own like pieces earlier was not a trend, but I had a child who just plainly refused anything that was like texture of kids food, like baby food. and we just ended up not giving them any. And they started eating with pieces at 10 months old. And 10 months old, and was that. I mean, that was life. And yes, that was unconventional and weird back then, less now, but that was a reality. We didn't have control over that. Or at some point, one of my kids had a lot of trouble sleeping at night because daycare was requesting a nap and they didn't need a nap anymore. And so they were not sleeping before like midnight, some night, 11 midnight. And I was, we were getting so tired as parents. We needed a long time in the evening to just do other things and rest. So we ended up letting them just, and we did that for both the kids at that point because they were sharing a room but just letting them play quietly in the room and go to bed when they felt like going to bed and surprisingly to me it worked I had read that somewhere and I was like I'm desperate I'm gonna try anything and it worked and there was a little bumps in the beginning they went really late especially my kid that needed to sleep but after a few days it just adjusted itself and it really worked well. It worked for a time and then it

didn't but that was also something very weird. So and I yeah I never done Wonder Woman like sometimes I was let that kid do things that I would deem dangerous. I knew it was not in real danger but for me it felt dangerous because I'm on a cautious side in life in general. So I would go and let that kid do things that I was like, I was just closing my eyes and letting them do things that I would never do myself, because that was their need. I mean, it's, and for lots of people, I was letting that kid do was a bit look adventurous. It was not like life threatening, But it could be that it could have gotten hurt. But it was, yeah, it was that that kid needed that adrenaline boost. And so it's adapting to each of our kid different needs that might seem unconventional for us and for people around us, but is much needed for our kids. So you might be constantly fighting against people around you or you might be constantly fighting against yourself and your kids. It's probably one or the other. I really encourage you to fight against people around you instead of yourself and your kids because at the end of the day you're living every single day, every single minute with your kids and yourself and you're not with your social circle. And your kids, even if school can have a big impact on kids, and we'll address that more later, but still, if they feel safe, heard, and respected and understood by their parents, it's gonna have a huge impact. And I know

sometimes it's very hard, and we feel like we cannot be that person because we just don't get what's going on but as long as we try they know we know we try we're trying and yeah we might not get it right perfectly but we're trying so either way I like if you're still not on the unconventional path or if you're there already you just welcome here welcome home I get it we all get it and try to help you live it a little bit more peacefully. I have a course that might help you start with that process, link is in the show notes and I encourage you to do that and I hope you can share with me some unconventional thing you're doing with your kids. Let's hit me on Instagram or Facebook or email I really want to hear and I think that sharing those unconventional example is very helpful because we then can be inspired by other unconventional things that might work for us. I'm so glad you joined me today and took that time out of your intense life to focus on finding a new way to parent that works for you and your kids. To get episodes as soon as they drop, make sure to subscribe to the podcast and please leave a rating and review so other parents can find it too. Also check out all the free resources on my website at familymoments .ca so you can take action on what's the most important for you right now. And take a deep breath, keep going, we're all in this together.

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