011 - Working as a team for our kids

Parenting the Intensity · Sep 12, 2023

Transcript

Welcome to Parenting the Intensity! Today, I'll address working as a team. That can be with the other parent of your kids, a partner, or another family member, or even friends who are living with you. Anybody who's there with you on a daily basis. And I know it's not everyone's reality, and some of you are doing it alone. And I know it's had a difficulty, and I will address that on an upcoming episode too.

In the meantime, please reach out to anybody in your social circle that can support you as much as possible. If that's your reality, we cannot do it alone. It's just too much. So, let's address working as a team. Welcome to Parenting the Intensity! Where we'll talk all about how we can drop the general parenting advice that doesn't work with our emotionally intense kids anyway, and let go of the unrealistic expectations society puts on us as parents. Together, we'll find solutions and ideas that work for you and your kids. Chances are, deep down, you know what they need. But you need a little encouragement to keep going on harder days and permission to do things differently, and help you fully trust that you already are a wonderful parent to your exceptional but challenging kids. So, working as a team as parents, we know it's important.

It's everywhere. We see it again and again. We've been told, we've been drilled. But it's not that easy. Especially with emotionally intense kids, even if they can be incredibly wonderful some days, they are still putting an added pressure on our parenting. And any pressure on our parenting will have pressure on the team, the parenting team. So, first it's normal to be in different places at different times. We were never really exactly at the same place as the other parent. And I'm using that term broadly, that you can include anybody you want in that parent description here. Especially when we have a kid that is a bit more challenging. Often, one parent will, and I'm guessing it's you, because you're listening to this podcast, one parent will be more looking for information, gathering information, researching, trying things. Often that parent will do more. That's true for any relationship, let's be honest. But often one parent will do more. And if the other parent is supportive of it and just like gets it, understands, is willing to listen and participate and support, then things can work really well. But if the other parent is not really researching and trying, it just goes against, like ruin what you're trying to do. It can start to be, or just checks out. Just don't try anything and just continue their way or just don't do anything. Then it can start to be very difficult. It's like, we'll still address that, but this is where it all rests.

Is it a team or is it two players playing on their own side of it? If it's not a team, then it's not teamwork and you cannot support each other. There's also the other side that one parent or even both parents can want to protect the other one. And so not sharing everything, not sharing all the information or not sharing that they're feeling sad or bad or discouraged. Or we can even feel some shame that we cannot do it. I would say that can be both moms and dads. And yeah, I'm going to address that specifically because I think there's definitely a social pressure that is different. And so moms are expected to know it all and dads are expected to just right now. The expectations are that are really different and changing. And that really changes from social places like socially your network. But the pressure is more and more on dads.

But it's very different. They're not expected to know it all in general, but they are more and more expected to do their part. And they might not know how because their dad often didn't. That's also changing in some places, but it's also still mostly to know them. And so there can be some shame to not know what to do. But in all that information can be like we can choose or not even choose. Like it can be unconscious, but we don't share because we don't want to like put added stress on the other parent. And so that's also something to consider. And even if it looks like a good idea, especially I work with parents that their kids add lots of very dangerous health condition. And sometimes you think that it might be a good idea not to share some of the stuff. But when you don't share those things, when you don't share how you are living through those things, it separates you from the other person. So the teamwork is harder to do because the other person cannot really understand where you're at. So yeah, trying to protect the other person is generally not a good idea.

There's exception for sure, but in general, it's not a good idea. The other thing too is that if most of and if you have kids that need support and you have appointments meeting like like assessments, things like that, often that's one parent that will go to most of those those appointments. And that parent might just be too tired or overwhelmed with the information to share all of it. It can be hard when you're especially in the beginning when you don't know exactly what's going on, you're researching or you just got a diagnosis of something and you're researching the information, you don't understand it well. Yet it's not not well enough to transmit the information to someone else. I have something for that too, if you want, but a very like small, easy to do workbook to help you like transfer the information. But the important part is that it's it's OK to not be ready yet to transfer all that information and to not know exactly what to transfer. But it's important that both parents know the information. So transferring at least part of it and also like giving to the other parents like it's OK to ask the other parents to do their own research.

It fits too much for you. Also to come to some meeting like I'm like at least the most important ones or once in a while to go to the meetings to get the information from the professionals directly. So you are not always the person who brings the information and that can have an emotional impact too. If you're bringing bad news or what can be perceived as bad news, it's hard to bring that to the other parent in your team. There's also the genetic condition. If what the kid has, if there's something and it's coming from one parent in the sense that it's genetic and one parent has it and not the other. The parent who has it can feel some guilt and the parent who doesn't can feel some resentment and both can feel some like can regret to feel that don't want to feel that. But they do feel it, even if it's nobody's fault. Like, let's be honest, it's nobody's fault if a parent has ADHD and the kids ADHD as it's not buddy's fault. If a parent has blue eyes and the kids have blue eyes, we don't have control over those things. So it's nobody's fault, but it still doesn't mean that we cannot feel guilt or resentment over those things.

So it's okay to open about that and just share about that. And it can be enough to just let it go. Sometimes not. Sometimes we need more support. And one or both parents can be too tired or overwhelmed to give time and energy to the relationship, the parenting relationship or just the relationship with the other adult, especially if it's your partner. And that will most often happen with emotionally intense kids or any kids with special needs and that we see that statistically and I don't have recent numbers, but the difference is very high in couples that will get separated in parents of kids with special needs. And like, I would say it's almost double, not quite, but almost because it puts an added difficulty, added stress, added. But on the other side, it can also be the opposite. That added difficulty can threaten some couples and some teams. If they're working very well together, if their communication is on point, it like they can and they can know how to support each other well, it can strengthen them. And that has been studied and I've seen it in my office again and again. When we have kids with special needs and they're either just more special than need, I would say more true it is. We rarely have in between couples like parents will either not be together or really don't collaborate well or be an incredible team. There is no middle because having an emotionally intense kid, having a kids with special needs that will amplifies everything in your life, it amplifies their life, it amplifies your life. So things that go well, go very well, things that don't go well, go really, really bad. So it's true for the parenting team. So yes, the parent can be a wonderful team too. Don't think it's not possible.

It is. They can be the number one person to lean on when things go like don't go well, when it's hard, when you're feeling down because it's the only other person that really knows everything that's going on. And probably also the only person who knows how hard you're trying. It can be someone to share the load of making decisions, because when you have like all the decisions to make all the time, it helps to like discuss those decisions and not be alone to make them. And that is something you can do even if you don't have someone on your daily life parenting with you. You can definitely have someone you can call or text to help you make decisions. They also can take things off your plate when you just cannot deal with the kids anymore, like the intensity is just too much for you at that moment or that day. They can help you stay calm. They can just you can have a special a special sign or special word or something that says you're going overboard, you're losing it, let me take over. Something that the kids won't necessarily get, but that you will you will understand. So it allows we allow each other to have a pause. But that's again something that you can definitely do, even if someone is not in your life. It's not the same. If they're not all living with you, they cannot stop you when you're about to lose it.

But you can definitely find people around you that can help you have a pause in your life. And basically everything goes back to the classic communication. I know it's like we're kind of it's overrated to talk about communication in couples and families and teams. But that's it. It always goes back to communication, what you we communicate in the way we communicate. And I'm planning to have someone on the podcast about nonviolent communication. And I'm I know that term is kind of intense, but a way to communicate that is very positive. But it's very important to communicate with your team member or team members. You might have more than one in your house.

That's even better. So sometimes sometimes you cannot like if the communication is very hard, you might need to get outside help to help you communicate with your your team members, your other parent partner. And that's OK. You can go reach for a therapist for your relationship. It doesn't even have to be a couple relationship. You can have a therapist to help you with the other part of your kids, even if you're a separate bed. If you're living with your mom, you can ask a therapist to help you for the communication with your mom. I mean, it's it's there's no reason why not. You know, it's if it's the person who's the most with you and your kids, the communication needs to go well. There needs to be a communication, a positive one. And as I taught, if it's a matter of information, transferring the information, it's important that the other team member, their parent is in some meetings, at least if it's possible to meet the professional, if you're you have meeting with professionals. So they get the information directly and you're not the one bringing it all back. And sharing.

I touched it. But sharing everything that you're feeling, especially. And it can change like on the beginning of the day, it can be a well, the end of the day can be the worst day of your life. It's probably not, but it can feel that way. So, yeah, share the information for sure, but share how you feel, which is most probably the most important. And on that note, not judging each other for how we react or how we feel, because it's most likely going to be different. And as I touched on another episode about overwhelm, some things are overwhelming for us and not for others is the same here. We can react or feel things that are very different from our partner or the other parent. And stop assuming that the other person reads our mind. It's something that we're kind of all guilty of, especially if you're with your partner, the parent of your kid and you've been together for a long time. I know I've been with mine for 19 years. At some point, you kind of assume they know, but you know what? They still not know everything. Yeah, sometimes it feels like it because you really know well each other and it kind of feel like it. We read each other's mind, but it's still not true. I mean, they might not know.

They don't. They just don't know everything's going on in your head. So asking for what we need from each other is very important. And it's so simple to say that. I know sometimes we don't even know what we need. But it's very, very important to really express what we really need from each other, because we won't get the support we need if we don't ask for it. Like nobody is going to guess exactly what we need, especially when we don't know ourselves. And yes, since you're here, you're probably the one doing all the research. Share as much as you can all the information you're finding, because what's the most important? It's like the other parent needs to be up to speed for the information, because they won't be able to collaborate with you in the change you want to do with your kids if they don't understand it. So it really is important to share as much as you can, even if I know it's not like very easy.

And as I said, I have a new workbook that you can check out on my website that can help you with the transfer of information and with some basic collaboration things with your team members for your kids. And talking about how do you share the load, also take responsibility tasks between each other instead of just doing them. Sometimes we just do stuff because it's easier, but it bothers us. That's very important. And it can be anything. Yes, it can be dishes, but it can definitely be related to the kids. Some things we just assume we just do. And I'm going to say again, that's socially a lot on moms. Moms will assume a lot of the kids care without even thinking about it and then might resent their partner for not doing it if their partner is a man most of the time. That's the dynamic that we see socially. Don't take things you don't want to take if you're just doing it and you haven't talked about it. It's useless to resent someone if you haven't talked about it. And I know it's all once again easy to say, and it's some things that might be much more complicated to do. And again, if you need help with that communication, there's a lot of things that you can do. And again, if you need help with that communication, there's some people out there that can help you communicate and work together as a team. When I support parents, I can support definitely both parents. It's more likely one than I will work with, but I always offer to support both parents at the same time. Exactly for that reason, because we can address different things. But I'm not a couple therapist, so I really encourage you to go seek out a couple therapist if that's what you need. And as I said, doesn't have to be a love couple to get a couple of terrorists. So that's it for working as a team. Going down all to communication. Yeah, it's that it's that boring. But just know that it's normal to have trouble working as a team, especially when you have an emotionally dense kid, because everything is more intense. So let me know if you have any questions. I'm so glad you joined me today and took that time out of your intense life to focus on finding a new way to parent that works for you and your kids. To get the episodes as soon as they drop, make sure to subscribe to the podcast and please left a rating and review so other parents can find it too. Also, check out all the free resources on my website at familymoments.ca so you can take action on what's the most important for you right now. And take a deep breath. Keep going. We're all in this together. Thank you.