020 - Tackling Homework Challenges - With Kristin Scott
Parenting the Intensity ·
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Transcript
Welcome to the podcast. Today we'll talk about something that is the nightmare of so many parents, especially parents of emotionally intense kids, which is homework. I'm sure you've lived through the nightmare if you have kids that are in school and even if you are homeschooling, working at home sometimes might feel the same way. So we'll address ways to make it less of a nightmare and to do so we are welcoming Kristen Scott. She has a bachelor and master degrees in elementary education. She has been a classroom teacher for 16 years and now 10 plus years as a private academic tutor. She's married and has two boys. So she has the professional and personal experience of dealing with the nightmare of homework. So let's welcome Kristen. Welcome to Parenting the Intensity, where we'll talk all about how we can drop the general parenting advice that doesn't work with our emotionally intense kids anyway and let go of the unrealistic expectations society puts on us as parents. Together we'll find solutions and ideas that work for you and your kids. Chances are deep down you know what they need, but you need a little encouragement to keep going on harder days and permission to do things differently and help you fully trust that you already are a wonderful parent to your exceptional but challenging kids. Do you read all the things, listen to all the things, take all the courses and you know a lot of things about parenting but you struggle to actually apply them in your real life then you're in luck. I just started the Parenting the Intensity community which is a monthly group support for parents of emotionally intense kids and the goal is exactly that to take all the information you learn from the podcast and from all the other sources and adapt them so that it works for your child and your family, your reality because things can work but not always the same way for everybody so the same thing might need to be adapted to work for you and sometimes it's hard to sort through everything to choose the right things so that you can really enjoy your life and your kids not always being afraid of the next outbursts. You can join by clicking on the link in the show notes or on the website. Welcome Kristen on the podcast I'm really glad to have you here today because that topic of homework is a hot one for so many parents. Thank you very much for having me and I think you're correct it is a hot topic. Yeah it is and especially I'm talking to parents of kids that are emotionally intense and the struggle is real most of those kids don't do homework peacefully ever.
Absolutely absolutely. So can you introduce yourself a little and explain why you're doing what you're doing? Of course of course I'm Kristen Scott from Beyond the Classes. I did my undergraduate work at the University of Maine. I did my graduate work at Northern Arizona University. Both of my degrees are in elementary education. I was a classroom teacher for 16 years then 10 years as a private academic tutor. I stepped away after 16 years mainly because my two children were middle school and high school and I felt it was important to be a present parent. My husband travels constantly with his work. He still does so I felt one of us needed to be you know available to do whatever so I ended up volunteering in their schools and doing all kinds of fun things while they were going through school. Currently I coach parents in the area of academic approaches, techniques and strategies for their children regarding I say at home learning that sounds like homeschooling it could be but it's essentially homework. I try to help bridge the gap between the classroom and home because especially the last couple of years it's become a larger gap and there's a big struggle there as to how we can get our children to settle down usually to a different type of learning than what they do all day in the classroom at home and I feel like our parents sometimes struggle with that idea that they should know how their children should be directed into homework or maybe they're not involved at all in homework and their child is struggling so usually when parents come to me they have recognized that there's an issue they do need help but they think their child needs help they might be right because this is how this all started when I was tutoring children and teaching classes I always dealt with parents and I was always saying okay so when you go home keep doing this with your child because this is how he gets it and they're okay great and that just grew into kind of an organic situation where I continue to talk to parents all the time I find that when I do tutor their children I'm also tutoring the parents and then I felt like over the last couple of years that it could reach further due to things like zoom and social media and things like that although I'm actually probably I'm kind of a home girl kind of locally based or whatever but I like to accommodate I like to help people I really do enjoy it so that's why I do what I do so I enjoy helping the students and the parents to find their aha moment if you will whatever they're struggling with we find all kinds of different ways to get there you know there's so many different ways to get there and that's what I do I'm just sort of a segue I'm just sort of the little the entry level hopefully where I can turn the light on and then they can take it from there yeah and I love what you're saying you said to parents continue to do this that way at home and I think that's very key because oftentimes we know the child is supposed to learn but there's so many ways to learn and it's very hard to find and it's not all teachers that are aware of that and that cater to their students that way so just yes for a starter I can agree with that you know and a lot of people have different styles I think the fact that I'm a mom of two boys you know I and having a teaching degree having a master's degree I'm always just always been in that industry and things just kind of flow naturally but my two kids are different I have two different learners you know they're very different one is very type a and more emotional the second is very reactive not proactive and he'll just get to it when he's ready and so I probably had to stop and think oh how are we going to do this one and what worked for both of them so that they could find success and they both are successful young adults and you know life is good so it doesn't it does take work I do feel like maybe the frustration with parents comes when they feel like they should always know the answers because we're the mamas and the papas we always should protect our babies we always have the right answer and we don't always have the right answer and I do applaud everyone for listening today all your listeners really because that tells me that they're trying you know they're trying to find some help and that's number one you know number one is saying what else is out there how can I get some assistance with this I want to share some ideas with people what are you doing you know that helps you with your child I noticed that you're not struggling with that situation anymore what did you do so I I just listen I ask people I'm pretty open in the beginning as far as tell me why you're here tell me what you need tell me what you think you need tell me what your child is doing do we have diagnoses behind this what are you trying to get to what are your teachers telling you have you you know have you sought any other outside help I think just like you're asking many questions I don't think most of us as parents know the answer to lots of those questions when we start we do homework because we need to do homework it's just something that we need to and I'm saying we do homework we support our kids doing homework correct correct be correct I understand the book report at 11 o'clock the night before but yes exactly and I think that's part of the problem but like we we think we we have to do that and we were chatting a bit before and you were talking about the fact that we're not told we're not trained as parents nobody learned to be a parent but then the child gets in school and then we are expecting to know how to support them in all the different things they do in school that's it I think because we support them in all that they do in life we are there you know we are the clear bubble over our children we are the overall protectant however I will say this that I there's so many industries I I am clueless about I could never you know help my own child medically if it were an injury to a great degree because I'm not a nurse I would need to go to the doctor I need to go to the hospital and find a doctor or a nurse that knows about medicine and believe it or not there's a difference teachers are trained professionals they've gone to school for four to six to eight years to learn about methods to reach your child you know we learn about methods to reach children we don't just study social studies and sciences and things like that we learn about ways to literally I mean we just learn how to present it to your children hopefully in about four to five different ways in the classroom you know you should be doing a visual there should be an auditory there needs to be a hands-on activity with this lesson they need to be moving a lot of our kids are movers and shakers their body needs to move even after 10 to 15 minutes if that little body is not moving then they're probably not listening anymore so we need that you know there's always some form of assessment that's a scary word for people because it's always a multiple choice test or an essay it shouldn't be like that anymore there's so many ways to make sure that a child actually understands a concept yeah true testing them because testing creates stress you know we don't need to do that to our kid and we perform less we've got whereas I mean I was a teacher that didn't use a red pen right I had you know the colorful pens when I'd say to the kiddos what color we're using today when they think oh let's get the purple one okay so let's roll with that you know or a pink highlight or something that wasn't so threatening is that red pen that says see me after class that stuff doesn't need to be like that I hope it isn't like that anymore but it could be but you know really we're really talking about once they get home if we think about what they've been doing for six and seven hours a day they've been in a fairly structured environment and I'm not saying that teachers aren't good I'm 100% pro teacher I support my colleagues however I do know that some people are stronger in this area than other people and some children need different things during the day than other children but you do have to find that norm about how you can teach your lessons so for some kiddos it might be too much sitting they might need to get home they might need to just decompress and that's what mom and dad see is like are you kidding now they're going nuts and really not they're just telling you that I've had enough of that day and the rest of my day needs to look and feel like something else yeah different because I've had enough of being sitting down and what you're also we we are expected to to be teachers but then we're not teachers socially we're expected to do those those homework with our kids and be able to support them in their homework but nobody told us how to do that we didn't got the teachers training to do that but suddenly we're expected to do that with so many other things and I work with I've worked a lot with families of medically complex kids and they have to do nurse work at home they find themselves being nurses all the time for their children and they do have some trainings but not like it's not their jobs till and I think it's the same for parents we're not teachers so our job is not to replicate at home what was done at school right and I think too because people feel you know I'm an adult I'm you know I'm 35 years old I'm not but let's just say I'm fast though you know I should know this and I've heard this over and over where these mamas of fourth and fifth grade kiddos say I had to teach my daughter three ways of division last night and I can't do it what's wrong with me and I said well it's not you there I don't remember and they equate it with I'm intelligent and you and you are they are too I can't help my kid with math you know what is going on here and then the divide grows even larger and I think that's very interesting because there's that social expectation that is on our kids too that intelligence equal being good at school correct correct and it leads into our parenting too if we're not able to support our kids with them which makes no sense that right our parents and that's where I think parents feel like failures and then they get frustrated and then they just try to almost do it you know for them like lead the horse to water and they're trying to make him drink listen we're gonna get this done we've got 30 minutes and then we have to move on we've got more things to do or whatever and it becomes more of a struggle between the child and the parent and unless it's just calm down becomes more of a comfort zone a situation where you are investing in your child not just spending that time with your child you're investing if you've got 30 minutes to work you want to feel like this is 30 minutes of growth this is 30 minutes well spent where my child is going to come away with something that will help them for the next skill the next level instead of we just have to get this done we've got practice later on check the box throw it in your backpack and get ready for tomorrow I mean I can get it it happens well yeah I'm a parent too and there have been times when I've done the same thing as I've been able to step away from being a parent a present parent my kids are grown and launched it's much easier to now look at the picture from outside the picture frame right where I look back and I say oh if I'd only done that this would have happened and I sort of lead myself to that when I deal with other people and talk about their kiddos then it's like oh remember when I had this situation do it like this you know tell her this this this and hold her accountable for this her responsibility but she will hold her accountable so those two steps need to go I have lots of little build-a-skills I will say that talk about time management the nighttime routine making a nighttime routine doesn't have to be 15 steps just a few little nuggets that ensure tomorrow morning will be smooth you want to go out the door in the morning with a happy child you don't want to send an upset child to school so there's all kinds of things that we can do and I promise they're comfortable if we just sort of step back and this is really one thing that I say a lot take a step back think about what's already in your home think about your and learning environment you know seriously for children that have sensitivity issues bright lighting is a problem sometimes white light is just too bright they can't settle with that if you have a kiddo that's coming home with rocks in their pockets things from the playground they're probably a tactile child they want to feel things that are comfortable they probably take off their jeans they're done for the day and they're in a pair of sweatpants right for the rest of the day and you're like oh no he's already you know ready for bed now I've got to get homework but no not at all he just wants to go to a place that's not stressful or makes him think he's having to think you know let let them get comfy and my point with my program is we need to identify what your child's learning style is and I will say most parents probably think they know they'll say oh I know my kid I know my kid this is it but this is what I would recommend and I make no money from recommending any product okay just let that be clear but I do recommend reading I have a book just popped in front of me the five love languages of children and it's by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell I would say to any parent that is struggling please read this book first of all the title might throw people off oh love you know all that stuff that's not what we're talking about we're really not we're talking about how to communicate with your child and how they best receive information so it's kind of which hole do I pour the water in right you need to figure out which one you need to pour the water into so if you read this I would say there are five different styles read the whole book it's worth it it's not a heavy read it's a great read and don't just pick the area that you think your child qualifies for don't just say oh I know he's a very tactile learner I'm going to go to this section because you may find that as you read this you surprise yourself and say oh my goodness he does this too I think he's got two learning styles which is very possible or even three where you could reach them two or three different ways but you might be trying to reach them in the wrong way after you read this book no wonder we're not getting this done he doesn't really receive this well he's not really open to this and he doesn't even know it children don't know what their learning style is they just are yeah of course of course and can we can we rewind a little and can you just explain a bit what our learning styles for parents who might not be very calm and think we sure we all heard of like visual and auditory but it's more complex than that it is actually so if you really take a look at this book but I'm going to read a couple of them so the first learning style would be physical touch so that one is the easiest the most common where your kiddo really gets reinforcement by you putting your arm around them you know tapping them on the head saying good job buddy a little squeeze or even while you're learning high fives knuckles things like that that you're physically in the same space it also might be something like you know they might want to make a tent over the dining room table and they might love being in there and guess what if that's where they want to be join them take your book in there at night with a flashlight and read for your 20 minutes and just physically be where they are and it's okay to you know what his feet are here and you might just tap them a little bit or whatever but just let them know you're physically close and a lot of kiddos I think that's very very common so and the book will tell you that is the most common one and then words of affirmation everyone likes to be praised you know but some kids don't hear it some kids are just too busy onto the next thing so if you've got a mover and a shaker he's looking for physical he wants to feel things and do things he's not listening to your words so when you say great job buddy he probably didn't even hear it but there are kids that need that you know they need like when you're finished you need to say listen I know that was tough today but you worked so hard I'm so proud of you and then they'll be okay well even though it was difficult they know I worked hard that really helped me you know just let them know that they're a part of a team and that you're not the director of the program because a lot of times that's the way you do this you do this you do this we have to get out the house you're directing the circus you don't really want to direct you kind of need to be in it with them you need to be a part of it so family is a team and everyone has a role so another one would be quality time and that speaks for itself we do and when your child's standing next to you say mom will you play a game with me mom can we do this and you say in a minute in a minute and you never get to it right your kiddo was looking for some quality time even if you're in the car driving to school you know don't turn the radio on have a conversation say I am so excited about your play on Friday I cannot wait to come whatever it is connect with them somehow or you know what sweetie I put something special in your lunch box today take a peek when you get there or talk about the book you read last night I know we read chapter three why don't you give me a real quick recap of what chapter three is like but just communicate with your kiddo but spend time together like you're in the car and they need to know that you see them in the backseat you can make even the car time even 15 minutes on the way to school can be so valuable and I think because we're always in a hurry we're trying to think about the next thing we're trying to make sure everyone's on time we don't take time to do that but it's a really easy time for you to make a big difference in your kiddo's day you're talking about just like transit time because often it's hard on our days like we get back late from work or school and we have lots of things to do and that's also another question do we need to do all those things but when we have a schedule and it's hard to do and sometimes like I just don't have that time to take the 15 minutes it's building it in ways that we already are doing other things 100% even chores can be done as time together if it's done not to get rid of the chores but as a family activity for example exactly you know if somebody has you know folding laundry as their their chore it's one of their chores you know maybe just pop in there for a quick three or four minutes fold a couple shirts have a little bit of a one-on-one conversation that pertains to only your child and not the whole family and not the other kids not whatever but that is the other thing I would say is and you brought up a very good point we really need to step backwards take it down one level and think about how we can work it into our our everyday life as it already is we don't need to bring on another program and another section right so if you're searching for tutoring or help for your child oh well we've got these books and we've got this whatever you can do with your child to help them with their skills unless you're going to build it into your homework time already but I would say don't bring on another something if your child's struggling in math let's talk about candy bar fractions I mean you can break candy bars into fractions right we can do it it's fun for them we can do baking you can do categorization categories with beads and then after you do that you can make a pattern you can string them on a pipe cleaner and make art if your child is that tactile child so there's stuff that's in your house already ways that you probably just didn't realize that if we're struggling with addition let's just say addition do you have dice in your house make a game get a sticky note make two columns roll the dice 10 times they have to add right and whoever ends up with the highest score that's right or playing cards or things that are just right there at your fingertips that you can just work into the situation put scrabble pieces on your table so that if you're hanging out talking to somebody your kiddo might do spelling words right there I mean you can work that in sweetie go grab your list you can work on those while we chat or while dad and I do this and they can be with you to do things like that where I think we can if we just really did look at our 10 to 15 minute time periods where we think that oh that's wasted space I've got to go here and here I'm losing time today you're not really losing time if you plan properly but you have to kind of plan it your child's not going to plan that they're not going to say hey mom let's do my book review in the car on the way to school to use our time efficiently right but you have to come up with that but that's another part of creating the structure for your child but allowing flexibility within the structure so the structure is like the outer four walls of your house that's going to stand we are going to have homework time every day I will be doing some work with you every day because I want to make sure you and I are on the same page however if it's 15 minutes in the car on the way to practice and it's another 15 minutes after you take your shower that's okay we still got our 30 minutes so it's like that you're outside of your house is the structure the inside of your house the rooms decorate as you need to right figure out how you can make it work however that day looks I love consistency for kiddos like after dinner time I like a little routine there I think it calms the day but that may not be your world you may just need to say we don't calm down until everyone's in bed okay well then you need a little something somewhere that tells you what every child needs to accomplish for the day and how you're going to help them so so let me get back to those learning styles so number four would be gifts and I don't mean necessarily buying gifts all the time but you have a kiddo that makes artwork for you draws pictures for you because you flowers and rocks all the time yeah I find rocks in my house a lot we have little grandkids and and they show up a lot so little things like that little things they build for you on the outside of your patio that you found after they went back home or something like that which is really sweet they want to do for you those are your doers and and we do need to recognize and appreciate because they have a real soft heart they're givers and so that's how we can just know that that's their their way to receive so if you approach them like saying hey you know something lets you and I take special time to go and paint some rocks or just something special just give them back a little time but product and I get that that kind of qualifies for the quality quality of time things like that yeah but it can be also I used to do that my daughter is big on one of my daughters being on gift and when I went back to work at some point she was struggling with me being away and I was drawing something and giving it to her so it's not like and I'm really bad she's better than I am she always has been better than I am she really is an artist which I'm not an artist in this way but it was just like we were exchanging drawings basically right one day I would give it one and then she would give me one and that way we would give gifts but it didn't cost anything exactly yeah paper and pen but I mean yeah and that's from the heart and that's that's just something that's just their way of giving and receiving I will say this too and this is in the book like if you have a parent that travels a lot so sometimes maybe that parent might bring back a little something maybe there's a something special that your daughter could you know would collect maybe spoons or maybe a little stuffed animal or maybe it's a magnet from each place or whatever and it's a small little something that gift is totally fine and appropriate because it allows that child to realize that while my dad was away or my mom was away they were thinking about me yeah and when they bring it back then the child has that visual as well I mean an actual product but can also see it and that emotion goes to that object like okay my dad went to Australia when while he was there he thought of me because he picked up this magnet for me or my dad went to Florida on a on a business trip and while he was there he went to his old college and he brought back something from there because he wanted to share that with me so things like that make a difference and the last one would be acts of service and this is more like your kiddo wanting to please you as far as hey mom I did the dishes for you and things like they they need they want to be recognized by being the doers right the doers and the shakers and and we need to recognize them for being the doers and the shakers but realize that when you're trying to connect with that person again that's their thought process they feel good doing something for you so let them feel good doing something for you you said hey it's really important that we work on a schedule for you for your nighttime routine would you do me a favor and think about the four or five things that you really feel need to happen at night let them let them be the person to bring it to you although you know in your mind what you need to have them do it's all about the approach remember so let them think they made the decisions or at least brought you ideas um and that will help them to feel more meaningful in making the decision and they buy into it if they felt they're part of it or they created it they're going to do it more than you and I saying I made you a list of 15 things I want you to check it off every night and that's going to last for not even a night they're not going to want to do that it's never going to work and then it's going to be a worse battle so anyway I would say that back to my five love languages I definitely think that's the place to start for people you know that are maybe already struggling and I don't know what to do now I'm searching for I'm listening to okay go grab this book you can get it on Amazon you can I bought mine in the bookstore actually well in order three in the bookstore and I loan them out to friends or people that you know need some help and they bring it back it's like a library checkout system yeah and I'm sure it exists in audio format for probably on audible yeah and I'm sure it exists that way for the listeners here and I know I'm like that I don't have a lot of time to read so I prefer listening to podcasts for that reason but books can be read on audio format yeah you bet yeah that's also an option so would you say that when you have a child that is struggling with work and it's hard just want to recap a little like finding ways to do them differently basically is the answer yes it's the answer it is and and because you've been trying so many other ways you know you've tried everything you know right you do you tried the and here's the thing we all try the way that we learned right this is how my parents did so I'm going to do it with my child we don't live in the same world right technology is everywhere social media is everywhere I used to say this to my parents when I was teaching quite a while ago I said I cannot compete with your child's video games I'm not nearly as animated my head doesn't spin and I don't have four to five different notifications behind me you know even if you watch the news changing background there's weather in the corner we've got a like a tracker up top we've got noise in the background we've got another person over here there's really if you watch the news there's four to five or maybe more different stimuli on that screen at every single moment but we don't focus on one thing anymore it's it's just an overload and I think we need to narrow that down for our kiddos and make it simple and we think it's another job to do and it's not step back a little bit and kind of like a funnel bring it down to simplicity think about what we're missing here what's the struggle how can I approach this differently what do they enjoy how do they receive their information the best how do they learn the best and how can we work together the best but be flexible as a parent you need to bend a little bit because remember your child's gone to work for six and a half to seven hours right and they're still children so we assume that because we process something a certain way that they can process it the same way as well and our brain's not fully developed until we're what mid-20s so they're not even capable sometimes of processing what we expect them to process so it's really important right that we kind of lay out and it doesn't have to be a whole dissertation just needs to be a couple simple little sentences an inviting environment you know invite them into hey buddy you know something I have 15 minutes before we do whatever and I put that brain quest in the back of the car do you see it right there let's do some trivia or if it's homework let's go over your spelling words you know you might have that child that that's more for kiddos that can a little more visual and auditory a lot of kids these days are very tactile they really do need to touch and move and do things so you want to find ways for them to use their body you know whether it's the shaving cream on a cookie sheet and the spelling words in there or there's so many different ways you know scrabble pieces on a table are so easy and you can check those off as you go and it doesn't have to be a designated homework 30 minutes nobody else in the house move we need absolute silence it kind of needs to happen as life goes around you you know yeah invite that to be kind of part of what we all do and you know what I'm gonna have 15 minutes for Sam okay you guys you take care you go get your shower or whatever and then give those 15 minutes if they know that you designated specifically for them they're gonna buy into it more than if you just say listen buddy I need to get this done we've got stuff to do yeah helping anyone but it happens because parents get tired and they really do I have to finish my list I've got to do what my children all need this and if I check it off I've done it if for example you have kids that have been fighting work for a while I guess it might be hard to say like we're gonna do things differently then the kids won't necessarily be on board because they have a very negative association with the word right yes and the concept of doing homework exactly would you stop doing them for a while or would you have any transition suggestion for for this situation obviously you know your child struggles if you have the struggle with them right you're trying to get something done and it's not happening so I think if you can again I'm always about taking a step back but if you can just kind of deflate the situation so that's not escalating and being a struggle and just say what is it about this that makes you feel uncomfortable what is it about this that you don't like tell help me understand what I can do so let's just say for example your kid who comes home from school at the end of the day they should have a homework folder they might need time for a snack they might need to watch a little tv roll around just deprogram whatever it is but then you need to meet them before it gets to be after dinner right kind of go into their space a little bit in the living room and say okay let's talk about your day real quickly five minute time out turn off the tv whatever tell me what you tell me what you know go get your homework folder or tell me what your homework looks like well I have to do such and such and such and then your next question is how can I help you because we don't ever say that we don't say how can I help you we say all right let's go and we sit down and we start doing it the way we think it should be done and you just need to say to them how can I help you and they may say well if you can read the words to me and then I spell them out loud then that will that would be good or I didn't get a good grade on whatever in my math today and I don't know how to do it and say okay let's let's lay it out let's look and see tell me what the teacher did well she wrote on the board then she had us do a game and then we did whatever okay well maybe that didn't work out so you want to do something maybe more physical again dice cards you can use a cribbage board and have a race I mean simple little things that you really can come up with spur of the moment you have to let them know that you understand they are struggling you don't have to use the word struggling because they don't feel good when you know it's like an adult tells them they're struggling oh I'm less than I'm not worthy but just say I understand this can be hard for you we always in life we will always find things that are difficult for us but we're problem solvers so let's figure out how to solve the problem what is it you need me to help you with today well I don't know how to divide okay let's look at you what you brought home let's see what we have here and then you think about this or maybe it's I need to work on my multiplication mom go get some little paper plates go get your m&ms make them all the same color don't put those multicolored in there that's another stimuli and just say three times two three plates two m&ms count them all it's six that was fun and at the end of the activity maybe you do that several times you write it down and you eat them exactly so they feel like they got a little satisfaction after doing it plus they got to use their hands right and it was something that was right there at home and it wasn't a whole here's a paper here's a pen for some kids black and white fight and that sounds crazy but it's the black print on a white paper is sometimes it's just hard to look at you can get a colored overlay those little pocket folders you can cut them and lay them over it and it just dulls the color like a there's a peach color the contrast is less intense than so there's we don't really know what's overstimulating them and we need to just try some things to kind of bring down the situation and sometimes it is something like that like checking your lighting making sure that they're in a comfortable situation they want to work on the living room floor work on the living room floor if that's where you have success now if they're rolling around having a tantrum and they're totally distracted then you need a different approach right but that's what we're talking about today is we have to figure out how it is they best learn what's their style and how you can provide that style with things that are most like you write in your own home and some kids have more struggle and for example they're expected to do 30 minutes of homework but the amount of homework they have doesn't fit in that 20 30 minute at all like it takes and i i was one of those kids like it takes two hours to do the same and yeah there's part of it that is the fighting and the procrastination because we don't want to we're afraid of not being able to there's many reasons for it but i've heard for from some teachers that it's better to send that school in at school not done and do just 30 minutes then to go up to two hours and send it back done because then the teacher doesn't know that there's a problem yeah and so i guess i would say and you just about hit on it right there is i think that's a conversation that's where you call the teacher make an appointment and you go in and you can take your child with you if you want to during i'm all about including the child it's you know it's their it's their school i mean their situation their work or if you feel you need an adult conversation to kind of maybe figure out some strategies and approaches then then just don't include your child the first time but then plan to bring them back for a conversation and i would say okay help me out here this is not a 30 minute activity at home and when he does settle down to the table we are working on this work together or we are sitting together i am helping him we are reading but it's not making sense or he's not understanding and then the teacher will tell you okay well this is what i do see at school as well or i did see that at school and when i did this with him he was able to work better under this situation so i definitely think that communication is key i just am all about working with the teacher if possible and i think they would say to you like okay let's let's do what you can yeah do send it back to me i will be able to see and we need to figure out how we can bridge that gap make that work everyone's different so it's really hard to tell especially what the what the subject is what the content is so this is something people probably don't know so the jump from third grade to fourth grade is very large and you would never think that thinking my kiddo eased right in there not a big change they grew a lot we had to buy new clothes but oh well it's really really difficult because kindergarten through third grade is called primary school and you learn all of the skills on how to read the phonics of everything about how to read how to pronounce letters the first of all there are symbols the symbols are letters the symbols make sounds you put the symbols together they make more sounds you put them in a sentence they make a thought you put them in a paragraph they make an idea you put them in a story or a chapter in a social studies book or whatever and there's an entire concept so there are tiny little steps there that have to take place if that's not strong from third grade this is where we see a lot of the struggles honestly and i taught fourth grade for almost my entire career right teaching career and and i totally understand this fourth grade through the rest of your life you will be reading to learn information you don't have a strong foundation by the time you leave third grade everything is a struggle everything is a struggle because you're reading this paragraph that you're not really a great reader you you can say it you can decode the words you sound like you're a great reader but if you can't go back and tell somebody what that said and understand it then you are really not reading it and that is really where a lot of kids don't understand because they'll say i read it i did it i did it for 20 minutes they told me to read the chapter i read the chapter but did they totally understand the chapter no and that's probably where a lot of the things like what you're talking about like it doesn't take us 30 minutes it's two hours the retention or the comprehension i should say is probably not as strong as it should be and so getting those k through three reading skills cemented is key and covid did not help anybody we've got two years in between there where especially those kiddos that were first second third graders didn't get the one-on-one learning to read although they did have school but it was online and so that's where we're starting to see a lot of the gaps now are those fourth and fifth graders and sixth graders because they missed a lot of content but they also missed a lot of skills that they're expected to automatically know right now yeah and i think that could be as we said an entire other podcast because we didn't change the program once we go we went back and i think nobody anywhere changes the program we just keep going kept going but without really catching up on we're exactly right yep the expectation stayed the same yeah and a lot of that has to do with what teachers have to get done for the year you know to it's there's just so many guidelines it's too much it's too much and nobody yeah it could take the time to take a step back and say okay we're gonna learn you know this foundational concept but it's gonna take us three weeks but we're gonna do this there isn't a classroom in in the world well in the u.s. anyway that would say we're gonna take three weeks off and step back and then start over so that six weeks lost yeah i i i i didn't hear any country doing that on an organized level i would need to i'm curious i would need to look further into that but yeah definitely that was an added stressor and i think also for lots of families that period was a we lost control over screens probably during that period for most kids because they had to be it was the only way to learn and connect with the world and so screen took way more space in our life during that period and so i think that's also a problem because it was very and i have older kids and they were tween on during covid and then at the age they add it's hard to go back and remove screen much more than it is to have it oh it is and you know our society doesn't encourage doing that right the technologist just keeps going further and further and further i definitely do think the screens were difficult so do so think about you know our child learned on the screen for a year to a year and a half and now they're expected to go back um it and and read a textbook you know which is black and white and dull and nothing and whatever and they're just used to having a lot of our programs are well they are academic there's some really good academic programs out there our kids go to the computer lab when they're little and they get to do math games and that's wonderful they're learning how to use a keyboard how to control a computer but they're also learning a skill i would definitely say that is a great thing however think about the stimulus think about you know the dancing bears and the little numbers that drop and the noises that happen on that screen and then think about when you hop into let's say fourth grade right because i'm experienced in that area specifically and you get to look at black and white book it's boring it's boring and honestly they're looking at it but they're not they're not absorbing it because it's not dancing singing and making you know it's just something so the skill is different they're not ready for it and they should be but because we had some issues that happen that happens anyway a lot of times in fourth grade i'd say just that jump from third to fourth is it is a big one and so a lot of times there's issues anyway another thing i would say if we have a minute or two to do this is yeah parents pay attention to birth order birth order is interesting because think about this you have your first child you have everything to offer that child that child has everything to look at we're going to expose them to all of the wonderful sounds toys we're teaching them we're everything that they do we notice every little everything because we're presenting it to them or we're doing everything with them let's say two years later you have another child you don't have that time that second child get 100 of your time it does not right when they get older let's say you've got a five-year-old and a three-year-old and the three-year-old is where right behind the five-year-old the five-year-old is doing seeing exploring and making decisions for himself and the three-year-old is behind going oh he turned left i'm going with him i'll just go this way right oh he picked up the ball i'll pick up the ball the three-year-old doesn't think why do i want to pick up the ball i want to pick up that ball they don't explore as much so if you do have those kiddos that are kind of close in age then i would just say try really hard to give those kiddos that are not your firstborn their own exploratory situations where they can learn to make decisions on their own and they can process information they can explore they just need to be able to to look to see to make a decision and and develop those skills so if you're having issues with your kiddos and it happens to be more so with like number two number three think about what their view looks like is it the back of their sibling that's ahead of them yeah or are they getting to see their own world their own world their own little person and they're they can develop their own interest and not just following the bigger sibling exactly yeah interesting and they might they will have their own other experience other learning styles other struggles and it's not going to work the same and we also as parents tend to if it works with the first one we're going to do the same thing right which right it worked 100% and keep in mind that too the second child you know their learning style is maybe what they think it should be because of what they have seen right so they've adapted to that because it's what they think they should be doing that's what the older child does but their brain really wants to do it another way and so now they may be this way and sometimes we say oh that child very scattered well i don't know if they're very scattered it's more like a coping skill they they sort of they're usually doing it like this because that's how their their older sibling has done it or their parents expect it but yet they see this over here and that's really probably how they would learn if they had their own opportunity so we do need to open up those avenues a little bit more to all of our kiddos to say you know you show me how you would like how do you want to do your spelling words today and they might say what do you mean well you can write them on a piece of paper we can use some scrabble tiles we can put shaving cream on a cookie sheet you can use your finger and then they can choose or try different things and see what they love better playing outside go grab a stick let's do it right now we don't have to take 15 minutes inside i've got the list right here let's you know let's just do it for fun or let's just do something different today but notice what they navigate towards because if they're always stepping away from the pen and paper and the table kind of situation and headed towards something that's really more physical that's how they learn so you do want to try to create those situations for them and personally all the homeschooling resource was helpful because in the homeschooling world you have a lot of those different ideas and i find that really inspiring even i homeschooled per moments in my children's curriculum but not all the way and i still use some of those tips or techniques when i was not homeschooling because for homework it's really all useful for sure absolutely because i'm i'm personally and i'm sure i'm not alone not someone will have those ideas by myself listen again it's a great resource right i mean you can collaborate with other people talk about how things can look and what and then sort of present it to your child and then watch and see how they what they do with it you know which is kind of cool i mean learning happens everywhere and i think that people need to realize that you know it's not just monday through friday when the kids are in school they learn everywhere i mean take them to we happen to live near the coast so take them to the coast and let them explore the little tidal pools with the crabs and you know take a picnic sit outside they learn about the seagulls they can talk to the park ranger and you can encourage those different interactions with them they may not approach a park ranger on their own so maybe you have a question for the park ranger that brings them in and then ask the children did you want to ask him anything and maybe by then they will say oh yeah i was wondering about them whatever we've just learned about so many things like science and relationship and everything i mean they're so leading your question and like yeah there's something you go right and how would it take us in a classroom setting to approach these different things and you know and we probably wouldn't anyway but yeah so life experience to me is is a great teacher homeschooling is very difficult you can be really good at it and i have there's some rock star moms around me they're doing a great job and they are amazing and it's wonderful but other people that think you know i'm going to homeschool because i'm mad at the school i'm going to pull my child out that if you're not really wanting to homeschool that's just going to be a very difficult situation so communication is key i say honestly your teachers want to help but communication is key and it really does take flexibility and compromise on everybody's yeah part but not everyone's this same we don't have cookie cutter children and our world changes every day where there's more and more and more stimulus out there so it's not like it used to be where desks chairs teachers that was it's not like that anymore yeah that's that's good because it was not the best for learning yeah it wasn't the greatest structure either right so i do believe in some structure but i also believe in flexibility within the structure and yeah i just think the bottom line is really figure out where your child is as far as the learning style and meet them where they are you know meet them there and then figure out together how you could make this work and if you don't have ideas like literally you figure like okay i i know that i'm reading this book and i see this this is my child 100 but i don't know what to do here you could well you can call your teacher i would say well whoever's with them most all day and say all right help me out here she loves to do it this way i am stumped for ideas and they may say oh yeah well we do this and try that or talk to other parents or whatever you need to do but find ways to meet your child really you don't have to do this alone i think everybody is looking for yeah yeah we all have to have support and i think that's what you're saying is very important to just go with what they need and also stop thinking about homework as the pen and paper worksheet thing it we can go out of that and do things differently and help our kids learn other other ways and if it's necessary because the teacher is sending sheets and it's not working then talking to the teacher if it's not something that's working with our children is a great recap absolutely yeah because not everyone is a pen and paper kind of child and no we need something more meaningful and we're not trying to tell the teacher how to teach but we're just saying listen i need to help me out here yeah does it work for my child doesn't mean it's not i want them to learn is there another way we could do this at home you know other than whatever and it might be you know well okay well if you read a paragraph to them and then they told you what you said and then they read a paragraph and then they told you what they said you know you can get through it faster like that they may have suggestions like that yeah a storybook if you're reading an actual book maybe you're reading the same book you're reading you're reading it as well and it might be that you're not reading it at the same time you might read it at night and make sure what the book is all about because then you want to ask the right questions to your kiddo if they have trouble in comprehension things like that that you can do kind of a little you just make it part of your world or or do sit with them you have a copy they have a copy and that's kind of fun because it's very grown up that way instead of you sharing one book and nudging each other over or whatever or make a copy of something and use a highlighter let them play the kiddos yeah anything basically anything works as long as it works i think variety is the spice of life here yeah definitely love that so many ideas we would need to make a list i really love that so thank you very much you already shared that books is there any other resource you would like to share or that's the main one i would say start there that's the big one start there and a lot of times i think if again if you just take a step back once you read that book and kind of look around and get a feel and figure out how you can de-escalate the situation because if you're looking for this you're already struggling figure out how you can find a comfort zone find them where they learn best and then move forward that way and keep the lines of communication open with your teacher and and i think i hope that helps i mean there's all kinds of approaches strategies techniques just figure out what's fun and what works for you yeah and if parents want to work with you is there a way even if they are not local to work with you absolutely you know what yeah i do actually do video at zoom so yeah and i do have a website so i could be reached at beyondtheclasses.com yeah and that's if you have a situation you're not sure if you really need to have a meeting a session but you might have a quick question or something or we just figure out how to connect with each other you drop a message and then we can connect somehow that way i am on instagram at beyond the classes and i do a facebook at beyond the classes i'm not hugely active on social media to be honest my business is just sort of organically grown it's very comfortable for me i enjoy what i do i find myself always talking with kiddos or parents about this kind of thing and so yeah so just i reach out if you need something i'm happy to help the link and the additional notes for the social media and website so that people can easily reach out if they're need anything with their own work time or learning time in general so thank you very much for being here was very interesting thank you i appreciate the time i'm so glad you joined me today and took that time out of your intense life to focus on finding a new way to parent that works for you and your kids to get the episodes as soon as they drop make sure to subscribe to the podcast and please leave everything in review so other parents can find it too also check out all the free resources on my website at family moments.ca so you can take action on what's the most important for you right now and take a deep breath keep going we're all in this together you