042 - Is my Child Emotionally Intense?

Parenting the Intensity · Apr 16, 2024

Transcript

Welcome to the podcast. Today we are going back to basic and explaining in detail what is an emotionally intense kids and also the three types of emotionally intense kids. The lion, the hedgehog and the sloth. Let's get into it. Welcome to Parenting the Intensity, where we'll talk all about how we can drop the general parenting advice that doesn't work with our emotionally intense kids anyway, and let go of the unrealistic expectations society puts on us as parents. Together we'll find solutions and ideas that work for you and your kids. Chances are, deep down, you know what you need. But you need a little encouragement to keep going on harder days, and permission to do things differently, and help you fully trust that you already are a wonderful parent to your exceptional but challenging kids. Are you tired of feeling overwhelmed and uncertain when it comes to parenting your emotionally intense child? Do you often find yourself playing with guilt, fearing that you're not doing enough to help them navigate their intense emotion? You are not alone. Many parents face these challenges and struggle to find the right path forward. But take a deep breath, there's hope. That's why I created the Parenting the Intensity community. Imagine having a clear roadmap tailored specifically to your child's unique needs, and your family's reality. Picture feeling empowered and confident in your parenting, knowing that you are providing the support and understanding your child needs. It may seem like an unattainable dream right now, but I'm here to tell you that it is within reach. Come join us for our monthly group support to connect with other parents and get supported with your challenge right now. You also get one -on -one chat and audio

office hours for the things that you're really not ready to share in the group, and workshop, tools, courses to help you in the process of finding that balance of parenting in a way that works for you, your child, and your family. I thought I would take a step back and come back to what are emotionally intense kids. Because it was pointed out to me that for some parents is not a 100 % clear? First, I want to address the fact that if you think you have emotionally intense kids, you most probably are. Because since I've been using that word, when parents don't have emotionally intense kids, those words just don't resonate. They're looking at me, blanking, like they have no idea what I'm talking about. those moments I clearly know that that's not what they are dealing with and even if parents never have heard of emotionally intense when I start talking about that parents who do have those kids instantly feel that there's something there so if you're listening to this it's most likely because you do have emotionally intense kids but and I encourage you to trust yourself of that but just to make sure or if you need more words to explain that to others we will dive a bit deeper on what it is and how it shows up and how they are feeling it inside and also address the three different types of emotionally intense kids. So let's dive right in. An emotionally intense child feels deeply really deeply and most of the time they will react intensely not all and not in the same way of course and it can be a delayed reaction but they will have a reaction sometimes it's it's an internalized reaction just inside of them it doesn't show it outside but they still react. The simplest example I can

give to help differentiate between an emotionally intense child and a quote -unquote normal child would be if a child wants something at the grocery store you know close to the checkout there's always a lot of stuff that kids want very great marketing very bad for parents many kids will ask for something so let's take a chocolate bar and it's a moment that you don't want to give them a chocolate bar for whatever reason and you say no and then a normal child will not be happy nobody is happy when we say no to like I'm not happy when I want something and I can't have it it's the same for kids and a normal child quote unquote again I don't like to use normal but a non emotionally intense child will not be happy. They might say, I want it, I want it, I want it, or it's not fair, I should have the right to get it or stomp their feet on the ground. Those are normal reaction of a child is just not happy because they don't have what they want. An emotionally intense child will, well, it depends on the kids, but the ones that are the most obvious will meltdowns, will kick, will like bite if you're close enough, they will melt down on the floor, they will

they are losing control. So that's the big difference and I know that sometimes it's not easy to make the difference but that's what's happening they are losing control. And one of the thing that we might observe is that once it's done while they're getting back in a calmer state, emotionally intense kids are generally either in one of those days not remembering at all what happened or feeling shame for what happened. So and the kids that are not emotionally intense they will just go to something else and we might be able to talk about them with that and resonate with them but the emotionally intense child it's going to be very very hard to go back and talk about it for one of those reasons because they either don't really remember, they were in a state that makes them not remember, or they are so ashamed that they don't want to talk about it. And some kids would have a delayed reaction. They will not melt down on the floor right then and there the grocery store. But they might melt down once they're in the car or at home and you have no idea what's happening because you don't make the link between that and the chocolate bar. and there can also be other reasons than just a chocolate bar, we'll address that in other episodes but yeah there is there is that delayed reaction also and I I want to add a nuance to that because for some kids sometimes they need help to let go of the build -up stress and they might look in control of the situation to some extent, they kind of are, and they will be provoking us. Um, I again, quote unquote, because it's not, they don't try to manipulate us at all.

They're trying to provoke us so that we get mad and we help them feel enough so that they can release the buildup tension and stress that they are living in because they're not able to do it like by themselves, they even might try to physically hurt themselves so that they have a reason to cry. So those kids can look in control of what's happening, but doesn't mean that they're not emotionally intense. So that's a little nuance here. And those kids from the outside, they look mad or aggressive or whiny or crying are often a mix of it all. But what they are experiencing inside is really different than what we see on the outside. Inside they have distress, they have trauma, they have stress, they have sensory challenges, there's it's really there are really really like their fear, they are feeling completely in distress inside. And it's very important to that they're not acting that way on purpose. They are really feeling bad. The other thing that I will explain and I touch a little bit about that is that there is different kind, different type of emotionally intense child. I call them the lion, the hedgehog and the sloth. And the lion is a child that is always on move, loud most of the time, really curious and inquisitive. They don't really care about social expectations or they're just not able to control themselves to behave in that expected way, no matter how often you repeat yourself or how hard they try. It's a child who's externalized in their reaction everywhere and that means they act out at home, at school, at grandma's, everywhere and you might get daily phone calls from school, they probably have some

service in school settings because they look like the quote -unquote again disturbing child and you might be judged for not being to control them and you might also judge yourself for that. The edgehog is the child that will have the delayed reaction most of the time. It's a child will look very sweet and calm and in control when you're out of the house but that will explode once at home and with people they are close and more comfortable with. They are generally really sensitive and creative. They might be more whiny and cry more than the lion but can also be very intense in their reaction once they are just with you. It's a child that is internalized and their reaction out of the house but externalized at home. So others don't really see it and most of the time don't understand what you mean and don't trust you when you're sharing your experience. They don't believe it. You're probably judged, and you might be judging yourself again, like you're the problem since it's happening in your house with you. And for that reason they probably don't get access to much support in school settings even if they could benefit from it. And lastly, the slot. The slot is a child who's sweet, calm, looks in control, is often alone, helpful to adults, don't talk loudly or run around, and is generally really careful. They are really reserved and might seem as slow, lazy or shy. When they react, it's more in a subtle whining or crying. You might tell them to speak up often. It's a child who's internalized in their reaction everywhere which means they often go under the radar even for really

well -intentioned parents. So I'm not even really expecting parents of sloth kids to listen to this. So if you are, congrats for being so in tune with your child. Maybe you're yourself a sloth person or you were a sloth child and even if they don't look like it they are still struggling inside and things might get harder as they grow older and therefore the demand will increase and the stress too. So if I can give a bit more example that how it can show up in real life. So as I said in school, the child will be acting out, the hedgehog child will be coming back from school and then meltdown at home. Lion child can also meltdown at home. The sloth child will most likely not talk about school, you'll never hear about the school, they will probably do well too. Same for the other two, they can all do well in school, like grade related, but their experience is very different and you can expect all of them to experience school with some level of difficulty, like their emotion when they head to school. Slut and edgehogs are the most likely to refuse to go to school, or you're having some passive resistance to go to school.

Of course, I mean, it's broad categories just to help us understand the different way they can act but kids can move from one to another and every child is still different but it's just to help us see the difference different way they can show up. In extended family the lion child you're probably it's probably about that child that you're judged about like and by your family you might even get less invites or don't want to go yourself, to family events. The edgehogs, nobody understands or believes you. They might be seen as shy or not engaging enough or affectionate enough, if you're a really affectionate family. And the slut child will most likely be seen as the perfect child with the extended family, but might be exhausted when you come back. And all of them

will most likely struggle with criticism. But a slut child, since they're kind of a people pleaser, will really struggle if they feel they are not fulfilling that to extended family. One very important thing to remember is that emotionally -intentioned kids are trying really, really, really hard. But even if they're trying that hard, are not able to reach the expectation a lot of the time. They look like they're not trying from the outside, but they're trying more than other kids to still not reach the expected behaviors. So after a little while, it's not so discouraging that they might stop trying. So they really need a lot of encouraging. Even if they don't reach the goal, they need to be encouraged and supported in the effort that they are putting in. It's absolutely essential, even if they don't reach the expectation and more so if they don't. The other way to deal with that is also to change some of the expectation. It might be necessary and one of the way is by changing the environment and lower the demand or the

level of expectation on some aspects. We'll go deeper into that in some future episodes. And it's really important to remember that they also have some very positive traits. I named some for each type of child, lion, hedgehog, that's a lot. But in general, they are also the ones that are stretching us and making us grow and be better parents. And they are also questioning the status quo in everywhere they go, in a way or another. If we are there to listen and support them, we will realize that what they are needing will help other children too. And most of them will be very creative and out -of -the -box thinkers and sensitive to other humans, to animals. Of course they're all different. They will most likely have very deep understanding of some of the things that they are interested in because of their intensity. So they have some very great aspects too. And I know that sometimes it's hard. It's hard to focus on those positive things. So I really encourage you to try to at least focus on one that is there for your child if you have trouble seeing the positive right now, because I know sometimes it can be hard. And once again, they are not doing it on purpose. They are struggling and you are not a bad parent, you are doing your best to support them and you just sometimes need different information and resources that the ones you've encountered so far. So they're not doing anything on purpose

they're doing their best and you are doing your best. See you soon! I'm so glad you joined me today and took that time out of your intense life to focus on finding a new way to parent that works for you and your kids. To get the episodes as soon as they drop, make sure to subscribe to the podcast and please leave everything in review so other parents can find it too. Also check out all the free resources on my website at familymoments .ca so you can take action on what's the most important for you right now. And take a deep breath, keep going. We're all in this together.