046 - Reframing kids who struggle - With Scotti Weintraub

Parenting the Intensity · Jun 11, 2024

Transcript

Welcome to the podcast! Today we will talk about how to reframe looking at a child who struggle, which is a very, very deep and important subject. And to do that we have a guest. Scotty is coming with us to talk about that. So let's get to it and Welcome Scottie, over on the podcast.

Welcome to Parenting the Intensity, where we'll talk all about how we can drop the general parenting advice that doesn't work with our emotionally intense kids anyway, and let go of the unrealistic expectations society puts on us as parents. Together, we'll find solutions and ideas that work for you and your kids. Chances are, deep down, you know what you need. But you need a little encouragement to keep going on harder days, and permission to do things differently, and help you fully trust that you already are a wonderful parent to your exceptional but challenging kids. Are you tired of feeling overwhelmed and uncertain when it comes to parenting your emotionally intense child? Do you often find yourself playing with guilt, fearing that you're not doing enough to help them navigate their intense emotion? You are not alone.

Many parents face these challenges and struggle to find the right path forward. But take a deep breath, there's hope. That's why I created the Parenting the Intensity community. Imagine having a clear roadmap tailored specifically to your child's unique needs and your family's reality. Picture feeling empowered and confident in your parenting, knowing that you are providing the support and understanding your child needs. It may seem like an unattainable dream right now, but I'm here to tell you that it is within reach. Come join us for monthly group support to connect with other parents and get supported with your challenge right now. You also get one -on -one chat and audio office hours for the things that you're really not ready to share in the group, and workshop tools, courses to help you in the process of finding that balance of parenting in a way that works for you, your child, and your family. So welcome to the podcast. Welcome Scottie. I'm really glad to have you over. Thanks for having me. So can you start by introducing yourself and telling us a bit about why you do what you do? Sure.

I'm Scottie Weintraub, and I'm the founder of Reframe Parenting, and I'm also the mom of two teens, and when my oldest was entering school, we quickly realized that it wasn't to be a very smooth ride for us. And we really struggled. And I spent a lot of time and effort trying to figure out how best to support him in school when it felt like nothing was working. And everyone kept looking at me for information. I was just a parent. I needed support too. And I just didn't find what I needed. So through years of figuring it out and white knuckling it myself, I started sort of casually helping friends and their friends and realized that there's this ginormous need for parents to be able to find resources and information and help plan a strategy for how to support your kids in school. So I launched Reframe Parenting with this intention to really help parents figure out how the heck they can support their kids at school. Yeah, I think that's really, really needed from personal experience and from so many clients and friends and yeah, so many people I know that are struggling to, to find how

to help their kids in school because I mean, we're not there. Exactly. And we're not, most of us are not teachers. So it's hard. Most of us are not teachers. And I actually will tell you that most teachers that I talk to, when it's your kid, it's different. And so it's just a different dynamic. And I think parents deserve and desperately need more support and helping their kids succeed. Yeah, definitely. And school is a big, big one, a very big part. Like it's, it's almost, it's most time of the school year where it's like they're in school. Right.

and for many, many years. Yeah, yes. And sometimes the problems that start small when they're early in elementary school can get bigger if we don't really figure them out. Definitely, yeah, experience that too. So we will be doing two episodes together because we had different topics to discuss. So today we will start with four ways to change our thinking about kids who struggle and I really love that idea because we some like we often or almost always I don't love using always but I think in this instance it's pretty much the case we have a tendency to focus on the struggle like the human brain is wired that way so it's very hard to reframe that so I really love that topic so how would you do that? Well I'll just say that I started my business with this name, Reframe Parenting, with this kind of clear idea that if we think about our kids and their challenges in slightly different ways, if we kind of reframe the way we look at them, then it allows us to open doors instead of closing them. So we can think about things differently, we can maybe have a more open mind. And that helps us be more successful. So that's why I named my business reframe parenting. And it's also sort of this, you know, key concept that I talked about, like, how are we going to reframe the way we see our kids? And so I have a couple of ones that I like to talk about the first being that we are not our kids. And I know this sounds obvious, and I don't mean it. I absolutely don't mean it to sound snarky either. Just it's when you're struggling with your child or something's happening, they're not sure how to deal with, it's really easy to fall back into your own experiences as a child, as a student. And when we get stuck in that place of, well, why can't they just get their homework done? I was able to get my homework done. They need to just buckle down.

Or some parents, it's the opposite. Like parents struggle themselves in school, and then you can feel your own experience as a child who struggle, I'm guessing. Right. And then you just, you're not able to see the full picture because you're too trapped in the emotions of like, oh, I know how that feels. And it feels really not good. Yeah. Yeah. So I think if we get too trapped in those, like, where our kids experiences, then we don't know, we're not actually able to see what actually is going on. We can't take that, you know, proverbial step back. Yes, yes, kind of look with some more perspective, which is hard as a yes, definitely. In the middle of everything. Yeah, and it's very emotional. And when we see them, they might be sad, or they might be angry or and it gets to us as parents, of course. Right. Right. And kind of along with that, is that the more that we learn as about ourselves, the better we can support them. And I've had parents say to me, Oh, I didn't realize that I was going to have to do work on myself. that feels really hard, right? Like no one wants to say like, and, and I also don't mean to say that, you know, we're the source or the cause of any of the challenges that our kids have, because I absolutely don't believe that, but how we respond to them is, is our work, right? How, um, and I know you talk a lot about this, cause you, you talk a lot about staying calm, right? And in these challenging situations, and if we can't do that ourselves, then we can't be our best advocate for our child. It's so hard. I mean, it's supposed to be that simple thing, just stay calm, but the justice should not be there. Sounds really easy, doesn't it?

Yes, it's so not easy. I don't know, maybe you have more tricks or tips around that particular thing. But I think that it's just hard sometimes. But also like admitting that I need to work on this myself, actually, I think it's challenging, but it's also a little freeing, like, oh, I can try to do something myself, I don't have to expect all the work to be from them. Yeah. And you have control on what you do much less on what they do. Yeah. Well, as you know, as a parent, we have very little control over our kids. And sometimes that feels very, very difficult. For sure. Yeah. And in school, it's even worse because we have basically zero control of what's happening. Right. And it's, it's not just that we don't have any control, as you mentioned before, it's that we are not there. Right. So when we're not there, it leaves us really very much in the dark. So we don't know the schedule. We don't know

what the expectations are. As your kids get older, too, there are multiple teachers that you're dealing with and with that it gets tricky, too, because it's communicating with a whole bunch of different people and they all have very different, you know, styles and expectations and they We can't just work with one individual teacher like you can when our kids are younger. Yeah. Yeah. It's much more... It out, right? Much more complicated. Right. Okay. So, you were saying, like, the first, basically, is to realize that we need to work on ourselves. Would you say that's the first reframe? Well, I don't know if we need to put them in any particular order. I just think it's, it's an easy place to start. Yeah. You know, if you're feeling like, overwhelmed, if you're feeling like I have no idea what to do, starting looking at what you can do for yourself is a is somewhere to begin.

And what would be the others? Well, I mean, we just talked about the not your kid. Yes, we are not our kids. Yeah. Right. Right. So that one also does a little bit of like the internal work of figuring out how we can be, have the most perspective, have a clear head, be the best, you know, that we can be for our kids. Yeah, and understanding their perspective of the situation instead of placing ours. Yes. Well, and this is a tricky one too, because it's, as you know, kids are not always the best at gauging, you know, what's happening for them. And that's, you know, that's a developmental thing. Yeah, it's just normal. Yeah, that's a normal thing. But it's a frustrating thing as a parent to not be able to know what's happening is, is really, really challenging. So I like to tell people that curiosity is our friend. So this is another one of my reframes, that if we lead with curiosity and we approach our kids' struggles with a sense of, I wonder what's happening. And that's actually my favorite phrase, I wonder. Because if we start with I wonder, it takes all of the weight out of it, right? Like all of the burden or the judgment, It's just a casual inquiry. I wonder what's happening with that. You know, if, for instance, your child is not turning in their schoolwork, you might turn that into, I wonder what's happening with him. I wonder why he's not turning in his homework, rather than jumping first to a judgment. Why can't he turn his homework in? Yeah. The wonder and the why are wildly different. Right. So we're just leaving more room for us to gather information. We're not coming at everything from a judgment place. We're saying like, okay, we're just going to dig down and see what's happening. Yeah, I often use the term like saying playing detective with what's happening. So it's the same concept. Yeah, definitely. Yes. Yeah, it's getting at the and I know you're on the same page with me on this too. That's like what's behind the behavior? Yeah.

And it's, and at school, it's, why aren't they able to meet this expectation? Why are they getting distracted? Why are they having a hard time staying on top of all of their assignments, you know, so rather than leading with the punishment or the, the judgment, we can just get curious And then in that way, we are opening up a conversation with the teacher for sure, because we're not coming at it like with guns blazing saying like, oh my goodness, my kid is so far behind and I don't know what to do. You know, we're coming at it from like, oh, well, what are you seeing happening? Yeah. Okay, let's talk about that. And then it opens you up to collaboration. Yeah, definitely more than if you go in

and accused of something, the teacher is not going to be open for much collaboration. No one likes to be accused of things right after that, right? No matter what your relationship is, everyone wants to feel like, oh, you're coming to me with kindness, with openness, and I think it's true too in talking with your kids. Yeah, so it applies to everyone, basically. And then the other one that I think is really important is that whatever is going on with our kids, whether that's challenges in school, challenges at home, and or if they're behavioral or they're having mental health struggles, whatever that is, is not a reflection on us. an argument. That's a big one. It's a huge one. And I wish I would say I wish I could put it on a billboard because it's so important and everybody needs to hear it. Yes. When

you have a kid who's struggling, it feels as if everyone else's kids are not struggling. It feels as if you're the only one as if somehow you did something wrong. Yeah. And that's just simply not true. Yeah, the guilt is all encompassing. It's so present and the judgment is coming so often too. So it's, it adds on the guilt. Yeah. And we live in this time where, you know, people are putting up their perfect family life on Instagram and it's, it's And to feel like, oh, I can't even get my kid to turn in their homework, but yet everybody else's kids are, you know, on the honor roll, but it's, that's not actually true. No, it's not. It just feels that way because people that are struggling on that posting that most of

the time. Right, right. Or they're too busy trying to deal with what's happening to have any time to deal with it. Yes, that's true. And it's not something... and the child's privacy, too, I mean, you don't... Oh, absolutely. It's like it's... that is a completely other topic, but some kids have their entire life on social and it will be a challenge when they get older, for sure. It will. It's okay to not share, but it makes... It be.

Yeah, but it makes it for that we see mostly what's going well, because people don't want to share what's, for many reasons, we don't share what's going not so well. So yeah, it doesn't really feel isolating. And also that those and for those kids, too, it can be isolating. I mean, it certainly is for parents. But I always think about the fact that kids who are neurodiverse or kids who have a hard time in school, they get so much negative feedback. Yes, it's just constant. And so if you know, part of that, like reframing how we interact with those challenges and in with those situations, also reminds us that we don't want to feed into that negativity for kids. So if we can focus on what are some of their strengths and building those strengths or focus on helping them, you know, find opportunities to gain self esteem and activities that are better suited for them or settings where they can shine. I think that helps negate some of that. Yeah, because there's just it's a lot. Yeah. And the same way that we might feel it's a reflection on are parenting, they feel they're bad most of the time, that they've been told so many times that they are not doing the right thing, that they feel that they are the problem. Yeah, absolutely. And and I don't, as a parent, want to be contributing to that. And so I try hard. I mean, no one is perfectly, so much included. And, but if, at least if we can have it like in the front of her brain and think, okay, I'm going to try to see the positive in this situation. I'm going to try to ask those questions instead of leading with judgment. That just makes those interactions actually with your kid. It takes some of that weight off of those too. Yeah. Not everything

has to be a conflict. Like you can work together with them, even with young kids, you can work together with them to find a solution to figure out what's going on. And it doesn't have to always be, you know, a battle. No, and it's so much more. Not necessarily easier, but like, it's so much more positive to do that with them, instead of trying to solve the problem by ourselves. Because sometimes we're, even if we are curious, we might be running around in circle and not really finding what to do or what's happening or. Yeah. And we don't want to be unsuccessful as parents. Some feel good. So the more that we, I think, can try to set ourselves up for success also sets them up for success. Definitely. Yeah. And the fact that we feel it's our fault makes it that often we don't have the, we feel we have no control. We feel kind of powerless in this situation. And that is a control that we have, like being able to give our kids some confidence and some positive feedback. It's something that we can do. So it's great to have some like actionable things we can do. Right. Yeah. This parenting thing is never easy.

No. Yes, so I agree with you, but I think that the intent of these reframes is to just help people take a step back and say, okay, deep breath. What's going on here? That's not, I'm not going to take it on personally, but we're going to look at it from, you know, a detective, or with more of an analyzing of what the situation is. And then from there, you know, we can start strategizing about, okay, well, what's our next step then? And think that ties really well to the first one that you were saying, it's not us, it's our kids, we're, it's a different person, because if you don't take that step back, you're too personally involved and you cannot reflect or analyze the situation with maybe less a calmer head, I would say. It's easier. Yeah, and it brings up a lot of stuff for people around how they were parented or what, you know, those, as we talked about, the societal pressures of how we're supposed to do things, which I think can feel really strong. Yes.

And so coming up against all of that, if you can just take a deep breath and say like, okay, what is our biggest goal, right? This is what I often say, like, what is our big goal? Our big goal in all of this at school or at home is to, you know, bring our kids through their childhood and onto the other side as healthy, critical thinking adults. So how do we help them be their best selves on the other side of their childhood? It's something I keep, you know, especially because I have a kid, my oldest just turned 18. Very much thinking about this, for sure.

That is our bigger goal, right? Our goal is not to make them into mini me's. No, no. We want them to succeed and thrive for who they are. Yes, definitely. And sometimes it's hard to take that step back. And especially because we all have dreams for what our kids would be doing. And so often that's not happening, especially with emotionally intense kids, their path is gonna be wildly different. Yes. And I think in school in particular is a really sensitive place for parents because we all have these dreams. And I spoke to a parent not too long ago said, but I have this

dream for my child to, to go, you know, to do these high achieving things and go to major university. And while I'm not saying we shouldn't push our kids to be successful a little, but But think there's a balance between who is your child, who are they really? Are they wanting to do those things? Are they capable of doing those things? Does that even make sense for where they are now? And they can succeed in a different way. Yes. Yes. So that's the being open, right, the reframing, like maybe their future is going to look different than I expect. Maybe their schooling is going to look not like the honor roll in all AP classes and that's okay.

It doesn't mean they cannot be happy and functioning adult. Right, right. They can be a happy functioning adult who knows how their brain works, who seeks out you know, experiences that are interesting for them and, you know, builds a life that is theirs. Yeah, and yeah, and it's also a part of the reframe, I would say, to see, like, seeing that they will do something different. Right. Yeah. So can you recap for us the four reframe before we finish? Sure. One is that we're not our kids. And if we can keep that in mind, it helps us really see them for who they are. Second one was that we, the more we learn and grow ourselves, the better able we are to help them do the same. The third one was leading with curiosity and asking those, I wonder questions to kind of be a detective and figure out what's happening instead of just reacting. And the fourth and important one is that whatever our kids' struggles are are not a reflection of us as parents. Yes, yes. So thank you for summing that up. Oh, you're welcome. So if parents want more support with their relation with the school that their kids is going to, where can they find you? Yes, well, they can find me my website is just reframe parenting .com. And you can also find me on Instagram at reframe parenting. And I also answer all my emails, I'm a one person shop. So if you want to just drop me a note, I'm happy to respond there too. It's

just Scotty at reframe parenting .com. Great. Great. So thank you very much for that. And is there a resource that is not yours that you would like to share with the listeners? Well, because we were speaking about this idea of figuring out what's underneath the behavior. I think if folks don't know about Dr. Ross Green, he changed the way I saw myself was a parent and the way I saw my kids. And his work, I think his website is Lives in the Balance, is just fundamental to this idea that behavior is communication, and kids do well when they can. So I always recommend his stuff. Yes, definitely. Good one. I think you're, but surprisingly, I think you're only the second guest to talk about Raw Screen. Oh, okay. Well, I would expect more people to talk about that. But interesting because you're talking about his website and I think the other one talked about the book. So Okay. Well, his books are also excellent. I particularly with regards to school, I think his Lost at School book is really, really good. And I have even given it to teachers and administrators. It sort of talks about, what happens when we don't address these things going on with kids and they fall through the cracks and that's not what we want. No, that's really great. I didn't know that book you see, so that's great. Great. Thank you for adding that. So thank you very much for being here. You're very welcome. Thanks for having me. I'm so glad you joined me today and took that time out of your intense life to focus on finding a new way to parent that works for you and your kids. To get the episodes as soon as they drop, make sure to subscribe to the podcast. And please leave everything in review so other parents can find it too. Also check out all the free resources on my website at familymoments .ca so you can take action on what's the most important for you right now. And take a deep breath, keep going, we're all in this together.

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