CS02 - Why Emotionally Intense Kids Feel Disconnected - Special Connection Series

Parenting the Intensity · Sep 24, 2024

Transcript

Welcome. Before we start today, I wanted to share with you that this episode is a special episode part of a series about connection. It's five episodes that will be released every day this week. The focus is all about lowering conflict with our emotionally intense kid by connecting instead of correcting. The topic of those five episodes will be why the relationship is so important, why our emotionally intense kids feel disconnected and why we as parents feel disconnected, stopping conflict in its track, discipline and boundaries without power struggle and how to make it realistic in our everyday to connect more with our kids. So go listen to the previous episode, subscribe to get the next ones and for all the information and subscribe on the website to get the magazine this very special first edition first issue of the family moments magazine that complement the those five episodes with short takeaways version of the episode so that you can refer back to them more easily and insight from guests of the podcast and an opportunity to join the connected family experiment that is going on next week if you're listening to that later on don't worry, you can still get that magazine and you'll have more information about the experiment. So I hope you enjoy that special series. Welcome to the podcast. Today we will address the fact that emotionally intense kids often feel disconnected from everybody, basically. Sadly, even us as parents, but a lot of other people, it's not just us. And why is it so? And of course, what can we do about it?

Because I don't want to leave you there. So let's get to it. Welcome to Parenting the Intensity, where we'll talk all about how we can drop the general parenting advice that doesn't work with our emotionally intense kids anyway, and let go of the unrealistic expectations society puts on us as parents. Together, we'll find solutions and ideas that work for you and your kids. Chances are, deep down, you know what you need. But you need a little encouragement to keep going on harder days, and permission to do things differently, and help you fully trust that you already are a wonderful parent to your exceptional but challenging kids. Are you tired of feeling overwhelmed and uncertain when it comes to parenting your emotionally intense child? Do you often find yourself playing with guilt, fearing that you're not doing enough to help them navigate their intense emotion? You are not alone.

Many parents face these challenges and struggle to find the right path forward. But take a deep breath, there's hope. That's why I created the Parenting the Intensity community. Imagine having a clear roadmap tailored specifically to your child's unique needs and your family's reality. Picture feeling empowered and confident in your parenting, knowing that you are providing the support and understanding your child needs. It may seem like an unattainable dream right now, but I'm here to tell you that it is within reach. Come join us for monthly group support to connect with other parents and get supported with your challenge right now. You also get one -on -one chat and audio office hours for the

things that you're really not ready to share in the group, and workshop tools, courses to help you in the process of finding that balance of parenting in a way that works for you, your child, and your family. So it's a sad truth that most all emotionally connected kids will feel disconnected from basically everyone, especially every adult in their life at some point or another. We can do something about it. So don't leave just yet. Don't be too discouraged. I will address that at the end. But I just wanted to address the why. Why is it that they are feeling disconnected from us and other adults? But I will focus on us as parents because we have control on what we do, not so much on what others do, although we can always try. So yeah, first they do often feel that disconnect. And why is it? There's a few reasons. The first is because they are corrected all the time. They are being picked on. They are being told to change what they do. And most of the time, and we've talked about that a lot, what they do is not on purpose. They are not deciding to react in some way. They are just doing it. So when we ask them to change their reaction, we're basically asking them to change themselves, to change who they are. So each time we try to ask someone to change who they are, we create disconnection between us and that person. And so, and it is extremely complicated and extremely complex because there is a lot of moments where we need to change that behavior for some reason. We need to change the reaction because it makes no sense to us, because it makes no sense to society, because it's way too intense, because it can be harmful. There is lots of reasons why we correct the kids. I'm not saying we can never correct. I'm not saying you're doing something bad. I'm really just saying that the fact that they get corrected many many more times than most kids makes it so that they feel more disconnected than other kids. If you have kids that are very reactive, especially they will get told no, they will get redirected, they will get told a lot of times to shush, to move in another room, to stop what they're doing, to change what they're doing. This all creates this connection. And other kids that are more subtle in their reaction and so the first one would be the lion if you're familiar with that concept and if you're not I'll put the link in the notes.

And the other ones, like the ones that are more explosive at home, they are just not able to connect with other adults than the one they really feel safe with. And we are generally the one they feel the most safe with. But they will have those explosions with us, so we will still need to correct them. And those would be the hedgehogs. And the sloth kids, the one that hide basically all of those intense feelings and don't show them, they will still often get corrected and pushed because they are not loud enough, because they're whining, things like that. So all of them, in their own way, will get corrected a lot of the time and really often. And so when we do that, there is definitely a way to do it that is less correcting them than the behavior. But still, since they don't control that behavior, it's still asking them to change when we ask them to change their reaction. And that's why we should always address the underlying needs under the reaction and not the reaction itself, because then we answer the need, we don't ask them to change the reaction. I hope that's clear, like the nuance here. By answering the need and not asking to change any behavior, that will help with the connection, because we will be answering a need, and every child we answer needs to, we connect with. And so that's one of the ways to connect instead of correct, basically, and not asking them to correct themselves because they are asked way, way, way more. The other reason why they feel disconnected is because, and it goes on and on, they feel like they're never doing the right thing. Because they are disconnected all the time, sorry, they are corrected all the time, it sends the message

that they're not doing the right thing. They're not probably acting the way that society, parents, teachers, anybody wants them to act. And so they lose the confidence in themselves. They lose a part of who they are. And any human that lose that feel disconnected from themselves and from others. so that has an impact on any kind of relationship. This is one of the things that people go to therapy for years to solve, is that feeling of not knowing who they are, not knowing, feeling that they're always doing something wrong, and things like that.

So that feeling gets very ingrained in those kids because they're corrected a lot. And so it invalidates who they are. And the fact that they're trying very hard to do things and they're still being corrected makes it so that they're still like, okay, I'm trying, I'm trying, trying, and when I'm trying, I'm getting the message that I'm not doing the right thing. So it gets very confusing. So that message makes it so that they're feeling that they're not doing the right thing. And And for all of those reasons, they also feel disconnected because they feel like they're disappointing us. They feel that they're not doing the right thing once again, and because of that, they're disappointing us. And let's be honest, sometimes we feel that disappointment, especially with the social pressure of kids should be acting in a certain way, and it's the parent's job to make the kids act that way.

So, the fact that they're not can make us feel some disappointment. The fact that a child is not at an age -appropriate, quote -unquote, development level, makes it so that it can be disappointing, and it's very hard, and it's a lot of work to work on ourselves as parents to not feel that disappointment, because they know it, they feel it, and it creates that disconnection. And again, I always want to emphasize that I'm not saying any of those things to make anybody feel bad, and I know this one is especially hard, because we are addressing the problem, the deep feeling of being misunderstood, because this is another... It leads to that. It leads to kids feeling misunderstood. And I really want to emphasize that I know any one of you are not doing any of those things on purpose, that we are all working very, very hard to support your kids' need, to support them, to help them, to understand them, but it is a really hard job. So I want to point those things and put name on those things so that we know what's happening, but I really want to emphasize that it's I know it's hard I know it's not like your fault at all it's in often like I really much want you to remember that most of those things are happening because there is social expectation social pressure on you to make your kids act in a certain way not that you are yourself out of nowhere, putting that pressure on yourself, and you feel those things too. You feel that disconnection from your kids for the same reasons and you feel that disconnection from society because you're not, you are living the same thing. Like I can take them all and I'm just gonna finish the last one with the kids and I'm gonna make the powwow with our experience as experience. So the last one, like all of those things feel like lead to kids feeling misunderstood. And it's very hard to feel connected with someone that doesn't understand us. I'm sure you experienced that by you're trying to connect or interact with someone and it doesn't work. Like the connection, the communication is not like fluid at all and things are hard and you cannot feel connected in those moments. So when we feel misunderstood, we don't feel connected. So those were like the four points that kind of lead on to one another. So there

be kids being corrected, feeling that they don't do things right, that they disappoint us, and that they are feeling misunderstood, leads all to disconnection. And it's the same for us as parents, because we might not be corrected, although sometimes we might be, but we are judged. We are judged by people around us, by ourselves, by the doctors or other medical professionals. We are judged by society in general for not doing the right thing with our kids. And so this is the same. We are feeling that disconnection with the people that are judging us, the same way our are feeling the disconnection with people that are correcting them. And you do, therefore, don't feel like you're doing things right. Same thing. You feel that you're doing, you're failing in parenting, that you're not doing the right thing. Exactly like the kids are feeling like they're not doing the right thing as children. And you feel like you're disappointing. First, you're disappointing yourself because you're not the parent you want to be for your kids for so many reasons, and you are disappointing. You feel like disappointing your kids, because you're not, like, disappointment might not be the right word here, but you are not, like, answering your kids' need the level you would have liked to, you were expecting to. And the same with, like, you're feeling it, you're

disappointing people around you, that you are disappointing your parents, for example, or your child's doctor. And so once again, like your experience of it all is completely invalidated. And so you feel misunderstood yourself too. So it also applies to you. And it's very hard to work on the connection with your kids when you experience all of those disconnections yourself also. It's hard. It's very hard because it's like this simple pouring from an empty cup when we need to do self -care, but this is also a form of anti -self -care. It's something that pulls on your emotional energy a lot. So when you don't have that energy, when you don't have the connection, when you don't have the support, when you don't feel understood, how can you give that to your child. It is very hard. So when you are able to do it, even just imperfectly, you are doing an amazing job because you are doing it despite not getting it for yourself.

So this is where we need to work on it on both sides. We need to work on it for our kids, to connect with your kids because that connection makes all the difference. I will refer you to the previous episode where I was talking about connecting instead of correcting and how it's important to put the relationship above the behavior. Why it's so important and what impact it can have because focusing on that relationship I think it gives that um when you focus on the relationship, when you connect with your child, when you can stop yourself from correcting the behavior and support the needs under the behavior. When that way, when you start, that's the key, like you support the needs and then they feel, they don't feel like they're doing the wrong thing because their needs are met. Even if imperfectly, but at least you're trying and they know that you're trying, they feel that you're trying and so they don't feel that they're disappointing you anymore. And they don't feel misunderstood. It's the opposite, they feel understood. So it, it all comes there. It all starts there. Answering the needs under the behavior all the time, instead of correcting the behavior. And as I was saying in that other episode, connecting instead of correcting, connecting, because you got a connection and a long term connection, not in the moment to get something as a result connection. That will make a world of difference. It will change things up.

And because it's so hard to do it if we are not receiving it, it's something that you need also to get from yourself. And that starts with getting your own needs met. And that doesn't only mean sleeping, drinking water, and doing yoga. It also means getting rid of the shame and blame and judgment that you feel, getting the support that you need, the understanding that you need from other people, other parents that are living through it, from professionals that understand what you're going through and that don't judge you but support you in what you're doing. This is also part of your needs. Your needs are not just self -care or regulation -based, or this is sort of regulation, but it's not just like doing mindfulness. And yes, this is essential and important, and it's a tool, but to some extent, it's just a band -aid. Because if you still feel that guilt, that shame, that judgment, you won't be able to connect, because you won't feel that support. You won't feel that understanding from someone else. And we are social creatures. We need that support. It's all good to say that we should suffice ourselves. It's a message that we receive socially a lot, especially those days in the Northern Hemisphere, days in the

West. It's a message that we should be able to do everything ourselves and should be able to fulfill all of our own needs. But this is not a reality. We're not never going to be 100 % able to detach ourselves from other people's judgment. We need the support. We need other people to understand us and to really truly believe we can do it and we're good parents and we can connect with your kids. Because when we feel that connection with other parents, that connection with some professional that understand, that connection with a community of others, then we can give that to our child. Then we can connect with our child and we can answer our kids' needs because our needs are met. And it's much easier. So as much as it's hard because our kids are feeling disconnected a lot, we have the power to change it. And it's by, yes, answering our kids needs, but also, and I would say first, answering our own needs. So I will put the link in the comment, in the notes for the self -care guide, because it's also part of it, but it's not, since I just said that it's a band -aid, it's not all.

And I have other offering that can help you to go beyond that. The the Intensity community would be the first place I would say to go if you need a space where you get all of that support. This is a monthly membership that you stay as long as you want and there's like different team that we address every month. There's one -on -one support and group support and a space to ask questions. So if you don't have that support in your life and you feel misunderstood and judged, I really encourage you to join us in there. So I hope you have a little bit of time for your own needs today. I'm so glad you joined me today and took that time out of your intense life to focus on finding a new way to parent that works for you and your kids. To get the episodes as soon as they drop, make sure to subscribe to the podcast and please leave everything in review so other parents can find it too. Also, check out all the free resources on my website at familymoments .ca so you can take action on what's the most important for you right now. And take a deep breath, keep going, we're all in this together.