CS05 - Building Connection in Simple Family Moments - Special Connection Series

Parenting the Intensity · Sep 27, 2024

Transcript

Welcome. Before we start today, I wanted to share with you that this episode is a special episode part of a series about connection. It's five episodes that will be released every day this week. The focus is all about lowering conflict with our emotionally intense kid by connecting instead of correcting. The topic of those five episodes will be why the relationship is so important, why our emotionally intense kids feel disconnected and why we as parents feel disconnected, stopping conflict in its track, discipline and boundaries without power struggle and how to make it realistic in our everyday to connect more with our kids. So go listen to the previous episode, subscribe to get the next ones and for all the information and subscribe on the website to get the magazine this very special first edition first issue of the family moments magazine that complement the those five episodes with short takeaways version of the episode so that you can refer back to them more easily and insight from guests of the podcast and an opportunity to join the connected family experiment that is going on next week if you're listening to that later on don't worry you can still get that magazine and you'll have more information about the experiment.

So I hope you enjoy that special series. Welcome to the podcast. Today we will reframe in a way how to build connection with our kids and how it can be easier than what you might think. And at the same time, that also explained the name of my business, Family Moments. So let's get started. Welcome to Parenting the Intensity, where we'll talk all about how we can drop the general parenting advice that doesn't work with our emotionally intense kids anyway, and let go of the unrealistic expectations society puts on us as parents. Together, we'll find solutions and ideas that work for you and your kids.

Chances are, deep down, you know what they need, but you need a little encouragement to keep going on harder days, and permission to do things differently, and help you fully trust that you already are a wonderful parent to your exceptional, but challenging kids. Are you tired of feeling overwhelmed and uncertain when it comes to parenting your emotionally intense child? Do you often find yourself playing with guilt, fearing that you're not doing enough to help them navigate their intense emotions? You are not alone.

Many parents face these challenges and struggle to find the right path forward. But take a deep breath, there's hope. That's why I created the Parenting the Intensity community. Imagine having a clear roadmap tailored specifically to your child's unique needs and your family's reality. Picture feeling empowered and confident in your parenting, knowing that you are providing the support and understanding your child needs. It may seem like an unattainable dream right now but I'm here to tell you that it is within reach. Come and join us for our monthly group support to connect with other parents and get supported with your challenge right now. You also get one -on -one chat and audio office hours for the things that you're really not ready to share in the group and workshop tools, courses to help you in the process of finding

that balance of parenting in a way that works for you, your child, and your family. Connection is built and trained in the small moments of the day, not the big things. The moments where we fulfill our kids' needs. The same concept applies to self -care. We can do so in the small moments of the day. It doesn't have to be grand gestures or super fun and inexpensive activities. It's in the daily routine, the little things we do that we don't even realize that we're doing. The pat on the head or on the back, the hug before leaving the house, the boo -boo kissing, washing their hair, if it's not an issue of course, listening to them invent a fantastic story or recall a totally unimportant to us moment of their day. Things we consider not important in some way, things we don't necessarily put any thought on, that they can even be like mechanical, even like it's just we do it because we do it, it's a routine, it's a thing we do, we don't even think about what we're doing. And for that reason, it's also the things that we forget about because our brain is just built that way. And for good reason, historically, our brain was wired to prevent us from danger, so to remember the danger, to remember the bad things so that we were aware of them as much as possible because it was life -threatening to not be. But it's not the case anymore. When things are going badly in our day, it doesn't threaten our safety, not directly anyway.

So but it's still like, our brain is still built that way. So it means that it remembers much more easily the hard and negative things than it does the positive things. So even if we try to recall those little moments at the end of the day, it is really hard. So that's why I really encourage, and that's what I did myself, and I really encourage you to do the same, to document those moments in a way, like any way, to help you remember them at the end of the day.

My favorite ones are photography and journaling a little bit too. Mostly photography during the day. I try to do it at the end of the day some journaling but often I've forgotten what happened. But going back to my pictures of the day and then I can see what we've done and what kind of connection we we add during the day. And and also other ways can be like, just using your note app in your phone or using recording on like a recording device. So those are like the easiest I see to record things on an ongoing basis during the day. And the thing is that those little moments, they build on each other. one of those by itself would not build a really strong connection if it was just that one. It would not make a big difference, but add them all together and it does make a huge impact and

it does build connection, it does build a positive relationship. And we focus more on them by documenting them, so they get more present. At first, there's not more. It's just that we see them more. A little bit like when you decided you wanted kids or you got pregnant or you decided to adopt whatever was your story, I'm sure suddenly you started to see more strollers and more babies and more pregnant people around you just because you were thinking about it. This is the same thing. It's the same like you're buying a car and suddenly the brand of car you want is everywhere. Nothing of those things just changed suddenly. There was not more stroller baby or that kind of car. I cannot even think of one on the top of my head. But it's just that you're focusing more on those things. It's on mind all the time and so you're seeing those things everywhere now. It didn't change and you know that there's not more babies it's just that you're seeing them more. So it's the same thing once you start focusing on the positive little connecting moments when you start documenting them when you start noting them photographing them no matter what you're doing when you start doing that, you get more aware of them and so you will just see more of them. At first we need to do that intentionally, to focus on them intentionally and it can be hard and that's why I suggest to use a tool of some sort because just thinking is very difficult. But then the practice, the more we practice photographing, noting, recording, no matter, the more we practice, it makes it so that it becomes a second nature. And then because we focus on them more and more, we built more in our life. It becomes easy to add more of those moments naturally. We even think or work to add more of those moments. it just became natural and seeing them becomes really natural we don't even need to document it at some point although I do recommend continuing a

little bit just so that at the end of the day you can look at them back but even more we get also more present in those moments which deepen the impact of connection in those moments because we are there in the moment conscious that we are doing that connection action. Like we're not just ugging because we are ugging when Chioma and I are leaving the house. We're there intentionally ugging which deepens the connection in the moment. So it deepens the impact of that connection. So you can reverse the balance. By doing that you can stop focusing on just what's negative. Document those moments and instead of beating yourself up at the end of the day for everything that didn't go as planned and all the time you lost control and yelled, look back at your photo, read back the journal or your not app or listen to your vocal recordings of all those moments of the

day and focus on those instead. So you reverse the balance. You put more positive, more connection at the end of your day. You just don't you don't think at just a negative thing. They are as true as the bad ones. They are not less true, it's just that we see the bad ones, the negative ones, the disconnection, we remember them more, we see them more. But if we focus on the positive one, the connecting one more, it's not changing the truth. It's just choosing which truth we want to go to bed with. And though that truth, the fact that you are there for them, you are connecting, you are fulfilling their needs, that makes you feel like you're a better parent, much more than when you're beating yourself up. And it's easier to do better the next day when we went to bed happy than when we went to bed beating ourselves up. Nobody improves from a place of shame or guilt, not kids and not you. Doing that small action of documenting your positive connection will help you reduce shame, guilt, and feel of judgment and increase your confidence in the fact that you're not as bad as you thought. Maybe you're even really good at parenting because you are. You already are you're just not seeing it as much as you need to to feel that so this is why i'm suggesting is that you do that you focus on that you document and you so that you can improve from a place of confidence not a place of guilt and shame I do have a tool for that, I will link it in the comments and I really hope that

you can do that and feel better at the end of the day. And this is basically what my business is based on. Family moments, the name of my business, that's what it means. It means focusing on the little moments of the day, on the little ways to do self -care, other little things, those little family moments, that's what makes all the difference. Focusing on those things, not trying to do big things and making things doable and realistic in your daily life. So why not start now? Try to remember at least one note, photograph, record anything, just one for day at least and look at it back at the end of the day. Have a nice day! I'm so glad you joined me today and took that time out of your intense life to focus on finding a new way to parent that works for you and your kids. To get the episodes as soon as they drop, make sure to subscribe to the podcast and please leave everything in review so other parents can find it to. Also check out all the free resources on my website at familymoments .ca so you can take action on what's the most important for you right now. And take a deep breath, keep going, we're all in this together.