060 - Becoming the Confident Parent Your Child Needs

Welcome to Parenting the Intensity, where we'll talk all about how we can drop the general parenting advice that doesn't work with our emotionally intense kids anyway, and let go of the unrealistic expectations society puts on us as parents. Together, we'll find solutions and ideas that work for you and your kids. Chances are, deep down, you know what they need. But you need a little encouragement to keep going on harder days, and permission to do things differently, and help you fully trust that you already are a wonderful parent to your exceptional but challenging kids. I'm Anouk, and I'll be navigating this with you.

Today, we will be talking about how feeling confident as a parent will allow us to respond instead of react. This is a presentation the presentation that I shared in my parenting the intensity retreat back in February, but I thought it was too important to not share on the podcast. And I cannot believe I haven't shared about that already on the podcast. So I'm sharing that presentation with you. There might be some reference, to the live event.

Of course, it's not sorry. It's not relevant anymore. But this is essential information. So, I'll see you back at the end of this episode. This presentation will talk about what is parental confidence.

As a side note, it was a big part of my master's degree, so I'm really glad to be sharing some information, about that here. How parental confidence impact our parenting. We will talk about reacting and responding. What's the difference and what impact it has on our kids and ourselves? How to get the confidence to respond instead of react, and next steps.

So first, what is parental confidence? So this infographic is coming directly from my master's degree thesis. I I love being able to use that years later. It was created in, like, 2015 or something like that. So, basically, confidence is the belief in your ability to navigate challenges, not having all the answer.

So we feel confident when we can take decision even if we don't know what's the outcome will be. There's different things that impacts, parental confidence. And if you are listening, of course, you don't have the graphic, I will link, to a PDF of the graphic in the show notes of the podcast so that you can look at it, but I will describe it as I go if you're just listening. So in the center, there are there is parental confidence, and I, really deeply, link it with instinct, so parental instinct. And parental confidence is influenced by three things that are coming from inside ourselves and three things that are coming from outside of ourselves.

So the three things that are coming from inside are ourselves are knowledge, so our knowledge about parenting, about our kids, about all the things related to that, our experience, so our experience as a parent, but also as a child ourselves, and the parent child relationship, so the way that our kids are giving us some feedback about how we parent. So do we have, like, a attachment relationship with our kids? Do we have a do our kids are giving us some, yeah, some feedback on are we doing the right thing for them, basically? So those are the things that are more personal and coming from the inside that influence our parental confidence. So if we feel like we are missing some information to be a parent, if we feel that we don't have the experience, we will doubt ourselves, we'll be less confident.

And if the child parent child relationship has some bumps in the road, that will have an inf negative influence on our parental confidence. And of course, the opposite is true. If we feel we have all the knowledge we need, if we feel we have all the experience we need, and if the parent child relationship is good, it will increase our parental confidence. The things that are external to ourselves that impacts parental confidence is the feedback we receive from people around us, excluding our child. It's the the support that we get and the way the support is given.

Is it positive? Is it supporting? Is it what we need? And the social image of parenting. So what we see, what society is projecting to us as being a good parent, as being what we should be as a parent.

So the feedback so for example, when we're judged, that's negative feedback. It will negatively impact parental confidence. It will lower parental confidence. If the support that we get is not supportive, is not the right support for us, or judge, once again, it will be negative. And if the social image of parenting is, impossible to reach for whatever reason because it's it's never really possible.

But with when we have emotionally intense kids, it's even more true. Like, we are parent that are so way like, really far from that ideal of parents that we see in the media, then it impacts negatively our parental confidence. And the opposite, again, is true. If the feedback that we get is that we're a good parent, if the support we get is what we need, and if we have social example of parent that do things the way that we want or we think we need to do, then it will support our parental confidence. So I hope that's clear.

If you have any question, of course, you can come in the Facebook group. There is the post for every presentation where you can ask questions, to the speakers. So feel free to ask some specific question. One of the reason why it's especially important with our situation of parents of emotionally intense kids is that we need to be parent, we need to parent outside of the box, with our kids, and this will bring more judgment then for other parents. And so our parental confidence will be more easily shaken than for other parents.

And when we are confident, why it's important basically to be confident is that we will be more grounded and make more intentional choice and react more intentionally, with our kids, and we will be able more able to regulate and co regulate with our kids. I talked in the intro video, of the event, and if you can still see that one on the, in the Facebook group, the podcast, and, I believe on the site. I'm not sure exactly where I'm gonna put it, at the moment of recording, but, yeah, we go you can still access that recording. And there I can also link to a podcast episode that I did with a guest about correlation. So that's, like, when we are confident, we will be more regulated, and that will be helpful to help regulate our kids too.

So we will go a bit more into that during this, presentation, but it builds a more positive parent child relationship, which will impact our power of confidence. So it is kind of a circle. So, I will briefly touch on the, the nervous system regulation because I I covered it in the intro. But if you haven't listened, the nervous system is what regulate what, like, helps, when we have a regulated, nervous system, it's what helps us navigate intense emotion and regulate our emotion better. And it's true for us and for our kids, of course.

So when our, when our nervous system is activated, it's the stress response, like fight, flight, and freeze. And, this will mix us and kids dysregulated. But when we are regulated, then we can react in the way that we want to react, basically. And the intense emotion of our kids will activate the stress response in our nervous system as parents. So, this makes it harder to navigate basically for us.

Our nervous system won't be more easily activated and their child parents child relationship will be more easily negative if we don't make extra work on that. And the same as the judgment that we get and the doubt, which is basically self judgment, create also a stress response in our body as parents. So we will be less regulated and more easily, react intensely because that's where we lose control, we lose patience, we will yell more easily, and where kids will react very intensely. Another thing that will have an impact on, our reaction is future planning. That means, like, we will see, like, my kids is not able to do this today, so they will never be able to be functioning adults, for example.

That's a bit of an extreme, but it's it's the concept that creates stress. And, again, we are dysregulated. So when we are in those, in those reaction, we are in the, reaction part. We're not in the response. We're not taking decision.

We're not, reacting from a place of I will do this. We are just acting as our nervous system that is reacting to the situation without us really controlling, the way we we we react. And why this is important is because when we are reacting, it's an immediate it's emotionally it's immediate. It's emotionally driven and unintentional, and that create a disconnection between us and our kids. It's often what will bring escalation when our kids will yell.

We yell. They yell more. We yell more, and then they start kicking, throwing stuff. Like, it and it gets worse and worse. And, of course, that's where conflict arrives, and that's what we don't want.

I'm guessing that's why you're here. And when we respond, when we are in that regulated space in our nervous system, when we are not in the stress response on of our nervous system, then we have thoughtful and intentional, decision with our kids and action. And we are in alignment when with our long term goal, which is normally having a more connected family and better child parent relationship. This if we stay in that state of response, we will keep and deepen our connection with our kids, and it will allow space for our kids to regulate because, we will be able to coregulate with them since we will be regulated. So that's why, staying in that response space is important.

And because, when we don't feel confident, we will go into the reaction and not the response space. That's why confidence is important. So how can we feel confident to respond instead of react? So the goal is to identify your personal triggers. What is the most triggering for you?

Is it judgment? And if so, from whom? Is it from yourself or from a specific person? Is it when your child yell because, like, the noise just gets you and you really gets very intense and you feel that like, is it when your kids say I hate you because it's the parent child relationship that's your trigger? Is it the fear of how they will turn out as adults?

Like, what's the most triggering for you? So to do that, I suggest to use journaling to clarify it. So and it can be different also mindfulness exercise, mantras, things like that, and also debriefing after challenging moments. I will come back to that. So what I encourage you to do, you can do that now if you want and pause me, or just come back to it.

The free resource I'm offering will help you like, all the prompts, a journal of prompts and the mantras and stuff that I'm talking about during this presentation, you'll be able to get them for free as my free gift to you. Just, below or next to the video, there is a link for that. And there's more there's those that are in the presentation are there, and there's more too. So don't feel the need to note them down. You can get them, there if you want.

But if you wanna do it now, you can just take a piece of paper and a pen. Use it comfortably. Take three deep breath and ground yourself. So And then ask yourself, my worst fear for my child, what is it? What's the chance that this will happen, actually happen?

And what else could be true? So those, for example, would be prompts to ask yourself if your fear of the future for your child is disregulating you. Okay. Another tool would could be to use is, mantras. So I gave an an example here.

I know what to do to answer my child's needs in this moment. And you might not believe it a %. Okay? Probably you don't. But the more you tell it to yourself, the more you'll believe it.

And and you can tweak it because we don't want it to to create something that is, like, in a position completely to what you believe. But it can be like, I'm getting to know my child and know what to how to answer them, for example, something like that that make rings more true for you. Or, also, how is my child's well-being more important than that pair person's opinion? And you can replace that person by that person in particular whose opinions, like, is important for you of or has an impact on your confidence because they're judging you, for example. So those are little, tools that you can use in the moment to ground you a bit in your confidence.

Another way to do that is to practice self compassion because guilt, and doubt, which is self judgment, disregulate us, and that serves nobody. We don't grow from a space of fears, thrift, or guilt. Nobody does, either our kids or ourselves. So try to not and it's hard. Let's be honest, it's really hard.

But try to shift the narrative from I'm failing as a parent to I'm learning all the time and growing, and it's okay to make mistakes. So what can you learn? If you you you find that you made a mistake and you didn't take the right decision for your child, what can you learn for next time? So go back to the previous journaling exercise of, like, what would be another option for my child, something like that. Or, like, what am I afraid of, and what could I do differently?

And I know what my child needs, which is, and then you can journal on that and things like that. And my favorite mantra for that is to to say I'm doing my best with the resource I have in this moment, which is always true. We are always doing our best, and someday our best is laying down on the sofa all day or in something our some days our best is to yell all the time because that's all we can do today. We'll do better tomorrow or we'll do worse tomorrow, But at some point, we'll do better, and that's okay. That's how we can do our best right now.

Okay? And I'm I know that because you're here, you're always doing your best. Okay? You wanna be the best person for your child. I'm convinced of that.

I have no doubt at all. I know you do. And I doubt myself as a parent all the time too. But it's great to remind ourself that we are the parent that our child needs, that we are doing the best we can at every given moment. Okay?

You can also ask for forgiveness to your child when you missed the mark, when you think you've made a mistake. And it's the only person you really need to ask forgiveness to because they are the only ones that the opinion really matters. I would say I'm you probably and maybe your partner, but mostly your child. And focus on a need based parenting. So understand the unmet needs behind their child behavior and what you can do to help.

That's your confidence is there. When you understand what the needs of your kids is, it will really help your parental confidence. But you know already. You're the expert of your child. You know best.

You might have been sidetracked, but you know. And understanding your own needs also is important so you can be more easily regulated. For example, when I'm hungry, I'm not regulated. So I won't be my best self, and I won't be able to navigate all the difficult situation. And so it will be easier to let judgment, for example, take over and make me doubt myself.

And confidence empowers you to be the parent you wanna be and that your child needs. And building building confidence is a journey. Okay? It's not a destination. And the little tips and tricks that I'm giving you will not make it magical, but it will help.

So, what I'm I'm I want you to take away from this presentation, that's that's what I want you to take away. Like, it's the relationship between the parental confidence and your the connection with your child is very important because the more confident you feel, the more easily you'll be able to support your kids and coagulate with your kids and not be, reactive when your kids are acting out and stay in that connected state. So it's very, important, but it is a journey. I hope that this episode was, helpful and that it helps you, maybe reduce a little bit of your, guilt around what's happening, and that you'll look at all of those elements a little bit differently because confidence is really at the base of everything I do, to help you. So thank you for joining today for you and for your kids.

If you think this episode could be helpful for someone you know, please share with them. You will help them and you'll tell them I get it, which is huge. If you haven't yet, you can, subscribe to the podcast, the free podcast. Sorry. The that's called you're not failing to basically stop feeling like you're doing everything wrong, and start building your parental confidence.

The it is available on the website at familymoments.ca, forward slash not feeling in one word. You can find everything else I offer on the website at familymoments.ca so you can take action of on what's the most important for you right now. I'm here for you so you can be there for your kids. Have a nice day.