028- Single Parenting Intense Kids with Dr Gila

Welcome to the podcast. Today, we'll talk about how to handle challenging behaviors and situation with our kids, with a twist for single parents, or when we are alone, it applies also, even if we're not single parents. And we also are going to talk about self care because it's so much part of it. And to do that, we are welcoming Dr. Gila Ricketts, Dr. Gila, rhymes with tequila, use the pronouns she, her, and she's a certified

parents coach and owner of Connection Based Parenting. She's also a psychologist and neuropsychologist, and most importantly, a single mom. She helps parents handle hard stuff with clarity, confidence, and connection, and helps them build strong, healthy relationships with their kids and themselves. As a single mom herself, she has a special interest in supporting other single parents. Her motto is, even if you're on your own, you don't have to do it alone. So let's welcome Dr. Kira. Welcome to Parenting the Intensity, where we'll talk all about how we can drop the general parenting advice that doesn't work with our emotionally intense kids anyway, and let go of the unrealistic expectations society puts on us as parents. Together, we'll plan solutions and ideas that work for you and your kids. Chances are, deep down, you know what you need, but you need a little encouragement to keep going on harder days and permission to do things differently and help you fully trust that you already are a wonderful parent to your exceptional but challenging kids. Do you read all the things, listen to all the things, take all the courses and you know a lot of things about parenting but you struggle to actually apply them in your real life ? Then When you're in luck, I just started the Parenting the Intensity community, which is a monthly group support for parents of emotionally intense kids. And the goal is exactly that, to take all the information you learn from the podcast and from all the other sources and adapt them so that it works for your child and your family, your reality. Because things can work, but not always the same way for everybody. So the same thing might need to be adapted to work for you.

And sometimes it's hard to sort through everything to choose the right things so that you can really enjoy your life and your kids, not always being afraid of the next outburst. You can join by clicking on the link in the show notes or on the website. Hi, welcome to the podcast, Kiela. Very happy to have you on.

Thank you so much. I'm so excited to be here. Thank you.

So can you introduce yourself and explain why you do what you do? It's always great to know the background a little bit.

Sure, yeah. So first of all, I go by Dr. Gila, and it rhymes with tequila. That's a helpful way to remember it. I started out as a psychologist and a neuropsychologist, and I still am. I have a private practice in New York State. But even with all of that fancy training, I found it really challenging to handle some of the struggles that came up. I'm a single parent of a kid who you might call strong -willed or intense emotions or, you know, all these different terms. I don't love labels, but you get the gist.

And and he's also a kid that had some challenges thrown his way by life. And so, you know, we, I did a lot of work. I sort of dove in and did a lot of work to really figure out how to parent him the way that he needs. And I'm not saying my work is done. It is always a work in progress. But, you know, in that process, I really discovered a passion to support other parents through this process as well. I have a special interest in supporting single parents. I think that there's some particular unique challenges that can

come

up,

although I do support any kind of parent. And what I do is I try to help parents handle all the hard stuff because there's always hard stuff.

And

I also help them build strong relationships, not only with their kids, but also with themselves. And I think that that piece is often overlooked and

it is

so important, right? I mean, in some ways, that's the first piece. That's

the

core. When we can ground into our own strengths and understand our own challenges and triggers, that's when we can really show up for our kids in a way that is meaningful and healthy and productive. So

what I do.

Great. So the goal of like the main subject today was to address the fact that it's different to deal with intense kids when you're alone with them. And so single parents have a lot more experience than those who are not single parents, but it happens to all of us to be alone with our kids sometimes for a few hours, few days, few weeks, months, even depending on the family situation. So that's what we want to address today, because there's some things we can deal with when we're two adults that are not the same when we're only one adult.

It's so true. And you know, this really is one of the biggest challenges, I think, of single parenting, or parenting on your own, whether that's because you're a single parent or

otherwise. Right, when you don't have someone to tag in, it's really hard. And it's hard, first of all, in terms of like, what do you do? How do you handle it? And it's also internally hard, it can

be

really, it can feel lonely, and it can feel some of that self pity might come up and fears can come up and all these things that can snowball easily. And it's a challenge. It's a challenge. And so my first message is that that is understandable, right? It makes sense. This is hard, and it's understandably hard. And it's not because you're not a good parent. It's not because you're not enough, right? It's not because you're not good enough. It's because this is challenging. This is hard. And and that's understandable. And that's okay. And the other piece, another sort of like big picture theme here, is that you do not have to be perfect, right? Whether you're a single parent or not, one of my main messages is perfection is never the goal. And I like to remind parents that it's for two reasons. So one, it's not realistic. No one is perfect. We are humans. We are parents. We are parenting in a broken system, I mean,

parenting

wasn't meant to be done with one adult in the house. It's just not, you know, it's, again, understandably challenging.

But

the other piece is that I think it's actually not desirable to be perfect. And the reason I say that is because our kids are also not perfect. They're

going

to struggle. And so if you, quote unquote, make a mistake, if you do something that you regret, if you handle something in a way that you wish you hadn't, that is an opportunity and it's a beautiful opportunity to model and really show your kids that first of all,

it's normal to have a hard time sometimes. It's not just them,

right? It's

not, they're not having a hard time because there's something wrong with them. It's because this is what happens, we're human. And it's a chance to model how to recover from that. So one piece of it is not just how do you handle it in the moment, but how do you handle it afterwards if in the moment you didn't handle it as well as you would have liked. So that's just like a little teaser. We don't have to go too much into that, but just

to

have it in your mind that if you don't handle it exactly quote unquote right, whatever that means, But that's okay, right? That's okay. So in terms of when you don't have someone to tag in, I think there are two pieces to talk about. One is the prevention piece, and one is what do you do when you haven't been able to do some of

that

prevention. And by prevention, I mean a couple of things. So one, I have this analogy that I like that we all have this sort of metaphorical sink inside of us.

And when the sink is really full, a few more drops of water are gonna make it overflow.

And

that overflow is dysregulation. So that's when we have a really hard time controlling our behavior and our response, the way that we're showing our emotions. When your sink is more empty, you can handle the same drops of water and even more drops of water,

right? A gush of water, you

might be able to handle it. And so one of the things that can fill your sink super quickly is someone else's sink overflowing into it. And that's often what happens when our kids are having a really hard time. Their sink is overflowing. And

so

that's why, and we're nearby, right? and it's our kid and we love them and care about them and it triggers us in lots of ways and you know it becomes even more important for us to do that preventative proactive work on our own sinks to make sure that we have space to take on some of that water when it

overflows

from their sink.

Yeah love that image. Yeah so that we have like space to take the water that flows off of the sink that our kids are in when they're overflowing. I love that. It really is a great image to see that, like the receiving effect. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, and so it really highlights how important it is to, first of all, to learn to recognize when our sink is getting full so that we can start to intervene before the sink is all the way at the top. Cause let me tell you, I don't know.

I don't care how amazing you are at meditation or deep breathing or whatever. It is so much harder to keep a full sink from overflowing with a few more drops

than

it is to keep a half full sink from getting all the way to full, right?

So it's much

easier to intervene earlier on. Yeah.

Yeah, and that applies to our children also, for sure. But to us, too.

100%.

Yeah,

right. And so all of this that I'm talking about is things that we do for ourself and that we model for our kids, right? And

that's

a huge part of how we teach them these really important skills, which really, this

is self -regulation, right? You've

heard this term

before. And really what it's about. It's keeping our sinks nice and healthy and empty so that water can flow. Because water's going to come in,

right?

It's unrealistic to say, well, I'm just going to keep water from coming into my sink. Well, good

luck with that. I'm not going to live. Basically, I'm going to stay home, do nothing. And even then, you're going to get some. Let

me

know

when you patent that, right? Let me know when you patent that bubble technology, and we'll all sign up, but until then we need to assume that there's always going to be water coming in. And excuse me, so learning to recognize when your sink is starting to get full, learning strategies of what helps you to empty it more or to keep it empty. And then in the moment when you notice your sink is really full, what can you do? So that's the second piece, right?

I do wanna say for the prevention piece, so it's partly about keeping our own sinks nice and healthy and full. I think it's also about really prioritizing in ways that are aligned with our values and what our child and our family needs, right?

And

so

there's

all these messages from society, you should do this, you need to do this, right? like soccer and baseball and karate and art class and if your kid isn't doing this that you know all these different things and if it's not working for your family if it's contributing to everyone's sinks being full then really prioritizing right making decisions with your sink and your child sink in mind? What is going to help us keep our sinks nice and healthy and flowing and empty?

And that's about learning who your child is. That's about learning who your child is, what your child's unique needs are, what your needs are,

and

how do you meet those? Yeah, so really learning and understanding and giving yourself permission to make those decisions that meet the needs of your family, which is easier said than done. Yeah, for

sure. There's

of societal pressures,

yeah,

easier said than done.

And I would say also, there's the kids need, but when you're alone with them, like, you cannot divide, for example, if you have two kids, and you need to be like you have two activities, maybe two activities, one for each child is too much, because you're alone, and you have to do them all. When you have two parents, and you can divide that job, it will fill your sink less fast, I would say, because you can do half of them, you don't have to be at all of them. If it's just one child, it might be easier. But then again, some activity like you have other stuff to do than the kids stuff. So you need to divide yourself in different things and you can, and correct me if I'm wrong, but I would say a lot of single parents will try to overcompensate sometimes and do more so that they don't, the kids is not impacted.

Yes, yeah, yes. I'm using quotes because I don't think that's really necessary, but I think that's a tendency that we see often.

Yeah, yeah. And I was just gonna say that also, I was speaking to a mom who very much what you were just talking about, she was feeling guilty, that she wasn't doing enough. And meanwhile, she was, you know,

doing more than enough,

it's cool, and going to all the games. And she was doing all the things. But there was there's this guilt that comes up this rateless compensation that you need to sort of be and do all the things to compensate for this missing piece, this something missing. And I think that, you know, one really important thing to keep in mind is that one of the best things that you can do for your kids is to take care of yourself, right? If your sink is nice and taken care of, then you can show up for them in the way that they need. And

so

I think we parents often struggle with that guilt anytime we're doing something that's taking care of ourselves, but taking care of ourselves is taking care of them.

Yeah, yeah, definitely. And I think like we said in the beginning

that there's some things that are useful for all parents, but there's also some things that are very specific for single parents, because for example, example, the mental, like just the decision making. If you're alone in taking all the decision and you cannot talk them through, even if the other parent is not helping that much on the everyday basis because they're working and you're more at home, for example. I'm guessing that might be different too, because you don't have some necessarily the other parent to bounce the ideas with. Sometimes you can if you're separated and the relationship is still good, which is not always the case, but sometimes there's just no other parent to bounce things off. Do you have any suggestion for parents that are in this situation?

Yeah, yeah, that can be really hard. I'm gonna say that can be both a plus and a minus.

Yes.

So the silver lining of it is that, you know, as a parent coach, one of the hardest things is the whole, how do I get my partner on board?

Yes.

It's like when you have two parents in the same home and they have very different philosophies and perspectives and approaches

that

can be really challenging for the parents and also confusing and challenging for the kids. And so one of the beauties of single parenting is that you are in the driver's seat and you get to decide what is the relationship model in this house, how are we doing things, what am I going to model

and what are the expectations in this house? And you don't have to battle with someone else who might have a different opinion. Now, they might

be

in the picture in another house having different opinions, but they're still in your house, you can decide what that relationship model is going to be. So that's the positive of it, but you're absolutely right. the emotional and executive function burden, right?

So having

to make all the decisions, having to think it all through, it's hard, it is, and it can be really lonely.

And

so I think a few things, one, certainly you don't need a spouse to have somebody to talk it through. So you can enlist other people who are not a romantic partner to

be

someone to talk it through, So whether it's a paid support professional, like a coach or a psychologist or something like that, or a family member or a friend. I also want to say, so one thing that I have used and that I think can be really helpful for anyone who doesn't have easy access to someone to process things with, which again isn't just single parents. It certainly is something a lot of single parents struggle with.

So I have actually found it very powerful to do audio journaling, actually any kind of journaling is very powerful, really being able to think through, to process through thoughts about something. So either writing it by hand, I personally prefer an electronic journal, so I like typing. It helps me process and it also syncs across all my devices which means I can access it wherever I am and I can like do a quick journal entry wherever I am. But audio journaling is something that I think a lot of people haven't thought about and what I mean by that is you record yourself talking something through. So be your own partner.

right? Your own listener basically.

Yeah. Yeah. And that might sound lonely and sad. I think it can be really empowering and, um, and helpful. Uh, I don't think anyone should do this in complete isolation. I think that's really hard. And I think it's important to have ways of knowing that you can count on yourself to show up for yourself,

right? So it's both. Yeah, it's both. It's yourself, but it's also needing like having other people to support you. But both are necessary. Yeah.

And, and also, I just want to say there, there is often I think this shame piece about reaching out for help about asking for someone to listen and process it through. That is also not unique to single parents. I think this is universal. But maybe it's even more prominent sometimes with single parents, right? There's again, that compensation, well, I have to show the world that, you know, that I can do this on my own, that I don't need anyone, I don't need a partner, you know, I'm okay on my own.

And I

get that I have that voice in my head, too, I assure you. And asking for support and receiving support when it's offered, again, is one of those things that is helping yourself and helping your kids by helping yourself.

And

it's kind of cool that as a single parent, you know, you can get input and help processing from other people. But ultimately, it's your call, right? Like you get to make that decision,

which

again, can be scary, and it can be or it can be reassuring and empowering.

Yeah, definitely. Definitely. And do you have like to circle

back to what we were talking about a bit earlier? Like, do you have some tips for like the tricky moments when your child is melting down on the floor, your sink is full, and you have nobody to pass it through. What do you do in that moment?

Yeah, yeah. So a couple of things. First of all, addressing a slightly different situation, which is when your sink is super full and your kid is really needy, and

you

know that if you're not meeting their needs, things might escalate, right? So this is earlier in the process. I actually just had a client who had a situation like this. She hadn't gotten a lot of sleep for really a couple of nights, but the night before just very little sleep. Her seven -year -old had not gotten very much sleep either, and he was super needy and kept badgering her and really

annoying her, to

be honest. And she, you know, things sort of escalated and it ended up being really one of their worst days. I mean, she snapped and just was really yelled and snapped and said things that she regretted. And then she shut down and withdrew and just sort of couldn't handle it. And then of course the shame and guilt. And I think all of this is relatable, right? We've

all been all been there.

Yes, we've all been there. I know, and I asked her, I said, when you were trying to nap in the morning and he was needy and pestering you, if you had let him watch a movie, would he have done that? Would that have helped? And she said, yeah, I think so. And so we talked about what kept you from doing that. and she gave lots of reasons that we would all have come up with, right? And they're valid reasons, right? I don't want to reward

the behavior.

I want him

watching too much video. I don't want him getting in the habit,

you know, all of this stuff. And what ended up happening was it escalated

and

then she shut down and then she ultimately let him watch video for like three hours because she reached her limit, right? Her sink overflowed so much that she reached her limit. So one of my messages is give yourself permission to use the nuclear option when you need it, right? So in this case, the nuclear option is let them watch video. Your sink needs tending, right? She needed sleep.

So

in my sink analogy, I would think of that as like her tiredness was like a clump of hair clogging up the sink, right? If you don't clear that clump of hair,

no matter how hard you work on deep breathing and pausing and working and all of that stuff, your sink is still gonna get full, right? Yes,

yes, because you're tired.

So do what you need to do, whether that's putting the kids on a device, even if that's not, you know, ultimately long -term, the strategy that you want to use in the moment, give yourself that permission to clear that air out of that train. Yeah. So that's one of the things. And then when your child is having a hard time, I think one of the most important things that we can do, whether you're a single parent, whether you're on your own or not, is to ground yourself and to remind yourself that this is not an emergency.

So

one of the things that I like is, and this is easier said than done again,

is to pause and put your hand on your chest, on your heart, which really sort of physically connects you and grounds you. And to say something to yourself to calm the part of your brain that is very understandably in panic mode, right? Your brain thinks that it is an emergency. Your brain is acting like it is an emergency. And so whatever you need to do to reground yourself into the knowledge that this is not an emergency, I am safe. So placing a hand on your heart, taking a nice slow breath. And some of the things that I like as a little mantra in that moment. One is you can say, this is not an emergency. I am safe. Right? The other that I like is they are having a hard time. Or I am having a hard time.

If

you like the sink analogy, you can also say,

my sink is really

full. Right? Or Or, my child sink is really full. And the reason I like these is that it reminds, it's so easy for our brains to go to these places of, you know, judgment and criticism and fear, oh my god, he can't handle anything, how is he ever going to function in society,

like, or, he's hitting me,

he's a sociopath, He's never going to have healthy relationships.

I am a horrible parent. How have I let this get out of control?

So

we spiral, we spiral. And so reminding ourselves that this is us or them or both of us having a hard time.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, love that. And keeping in mind that it's not an emergency, I think that's the key because we feel like it is and we need to fix it right now. It needs fixing. But it mostly needs writhing at that point. You just need to go through it and wait for it to calm. There's not much we can do. Right.

And so that's the next question, right? So once you've sort of calmed your nervous system, a little bit at least, asking yourself, what is really important in this moment? Right? So often this is going to happen when, you know, I know time pressure is a big trigger for us, right? Like when I'm feeling like we need to get out the door,

and your

kid feels that time pressure, and things start to escalate, and the more stressed you are about the time, the more or they push back about it,

and

things sort of - And the slowest thing goes.

Uh -huh, uh -huh. And so, right, taking that moment and reflecting, okay, this is not an emergency. What's really important right now in this moment? Right, in the big picture, what's really important in this moment, if that makes sense?

So, is it really important for you to get out the door? Is it more important for you to get out the door this moment, or is it more important for you to be present with your child and make sure that they get the help that they need? And let me tell you, even if it's more important to get out the door this moment, you might not be able to, right? So, there are times, I will say, there are sort of more urgent times where you might need to, but

often - If a fire in your house, you're allowed to just pick your child and go. Yes. Exactly. I'm that feeling at all.

Yes. Right. And then

you clean up the mess later. Yes.

Right. Right. But often, if you take a moment to slow things down and breathe and wait, in the long run, it will actually take less time.

Yeah. And I can give you a perfect example that I live at almost every day is just buckling my youngest car seat.

I can fight all I want for me to buckle it, but fighting with her to buckle it will just take longer than waiting the few minutes that it takes more for her to do it. Because at the end of the day, yeah, it takes more time, but fighting with her will take much more time and energy and everybody's going to end up mad. So, in all aspects, I need to take the breath to stay calm and wait, because sometimes it takes her a lot of time. She's four and has still trouble doing it, but she really wants to do it herself. And she's a strong little child. And so this is like something I know I struggle on the daily and is exactly the kind of example that I think I should time it. I'm sure it takes more time when we fight.

Yeah, absolutely. And I want to say also, this might be slightly controversial, but especially with kids with intense emotions or strong -willed kids, you know, I think parents, we have this narrative and I'm saying we because I'm guilty of it too, or I don't want to say guilty, I also have it sometimes. This narrative that we can't compromise or change our position in any way because that will be showing weakness and we're losing control over the situation. And one thing that I believe, especially with these kids with intense emotions is when they're having a really hard time, when they're showing us these intense emotions, this is a message, right? This is communication.

This is

their way of communicating something to us. And so if we hear and respond to what's underneath the behavior, rather than the behavior, if you think of it that way, then what I like to say sometimes is, wow, I didn't realize that this was so important to you. This is new information, right?

When

he's having a really hard time in response to something, this is new information. I didn't know that you felt this strongly about this. Thank you

for letting me know, right?

We can work on how to let me know, but thank you for letting me know.

Let's talk

about this, right? What can we do to make this easier? What can we do to set us up for success? And I'm not saying in the moment when they're having a huge tantrum or something like that, but when their sink is not quite totally overflowing and things have calmed a little bit saying, wow, wow, I really had no idea that this was so hard for you. What can we do? Like, here's where I'm coming from, right? I really, you know, need to do X, or I really value X, but I see that this piece of it is really hard for you. How

can

we make that easier?

And that's very like validating for the child. And we addressed that more in depth in episode 14, if I'm right.

And I think that really ties in back, like all that, recognizing the child needs and validating their emotion and things like that. So really ties in well, definitely, and is very important. So yeah, thank you for, for adding that. So is there anything you wanted to add before we end?

I'll just say as a related to that is that, you know, I think, I think respect is really at the core of everything we do mutual respect. So my business is called connection based parenting. And so of course, I think connection is what I say is, if your relationship with your child were a house, connection would be the raw materials, the bricks and the lumber that you use to build the house.

But

the foundation that you put those bricks and lumber on, that solid concrete foundation, is mutual respect. Mutual respect, and that's what allows you to have and build that connection with your kids. And so that's what we were just talking about in that moment, to recognize they're having a very valid feeling. Now,

how

they're expressing it might not be how we want them to express it, but their experience and their feeling is very valid.

And

when we recognize that, and when we treat it as such, I think it goes a really long way.

Yeah, definitely. Thank you. That's very important. And I think we forget, and our society is not built for that either. Like have a society that doesn't encourage that respect, especially toward kids, I would say.

Right. Right,

and we often hear

respect in parenting used to mean obedience and defiance, or obedience and compliance rather than defiance.

And I'm gonna bring it back to where we started. Yeah, it's very important.

And to bring it back to where we started about single parents is that I would say all of that also applies to ourselves. So treating yourself with self -compassion

and

with self -respect and recognizing that maybe your sink overflowed and you did things that you, or said things that you wish that you hadn't, but the feeling that was going on, what was going on for you, your experience that led to that was valid and worthy and deserves attention and compassion.

Yeah, the same as your child. Yeah, thank you for reeling us in here. So if parents want to know more about you, learn more where they can find you.

Sure, yeah. So my website is connectionbasedparenting .com and I will send you a link. Also, I have a super short video. I know parents don't have a lot of time, so it's a five -minute video and it's three mindsets, three powerful truths as I call it. These

are

the three mindsets that I like to remind myself and my clients find helpful when I'm having a hard time or the

child is

having a hard time. And it also has a short grounding exercise at the end. So plays really well with what we've been talking about today.

Yeah, we'll put those in the notes so that people can find them easily.

Perfect. And then on Instagram and Facebook, I'm Dr. Gila Parenting. So it's D -R -G -I -L -A

We'll

put those two, yeah, yeah, sure. It's easier that way.

Yeah. Yeah.

Right. Perfect. Then thank you very much for being here today. It was nice chatting with you. And sure it was. It

chatting. Thank you for having me.

Yeah. I'm sure it's going to be helpful for many parents. I really love that sync analogy. Thank you. I'm so glad you joined me today and took that time out of your intense life to focus on finding a new way to parent that works for you and your kids. To get the episodes as soon as they drop, make sure to subscribe to the podcast and please leave everything in review so other parents can find it too. Also check out all the free resources on my website at familymoments .ca so you can take action on what's the most important for you right now. And take a deep breath, keep going. We're all in this together.