030 - Improving the Relationship with our Significant Other with Michelle Purta

welcome to the podcast today on the podcast we're talking about our relationship with our significant other be it the other parent of our child children or a newer partner. Having emotionally intense kids can be extra intense on all the family including our relationship and so this is a topic that is very important because when we look at data, stats, parents of kids with special needs will have a harder time to make their couple work. So I really wanted to address that topic. And also, it's one that is especially dear to me because it was part of my master's degree. And so for discussing that topic, we are welcoming Michelle Purda, she's a marriage coach, wife and mom of three. She helps parents shift their marriage away from being co -parenting roommates to feeling like a couple again.

She believes that you don't have to choose between being a great parent and having a great marriage. Through her podcast, courses and coaching programs, she helps clients learn the essential skills to have a happy and healthy marriage that they can feel proud to model to their kids. So let's welcome Michelle to the podcast. Welcome to Parenting the Intensity, where we'll talk all about how we can drop the general parenting advice that doesn't work with our emotionally intense kids anyway, and let go of the unrealistic expectations society puts on us as parents. Together, we'll find solutions and ideas that work for you and your kids. Chances are, deep down, you know what they need. But you need a little encouragement to keep going on harder days and permission to do things differently and help you fully trust that you already are a wonderful parent to your exceptional but challenging kids. Do you read all the things, listen to all the things, take all the courses, and you know a lot of things about parenting, but you struggle to actually apply them in your real life? Then you're in luck. I just started the Parenting the Intensity community, which is a monthly group support for parents of emotionally intense kids. And the goal is exactly that, to take all the information you learn from the podcast and from all the other sources and adapt them so that it works for your child and your family, your reality. Because things can work, but not always the same way for everybody. So the same thing might need to be adapted to work for you. And sometimes it's hard to sort through everything to choose the right things so that you can really enjoy your life and your kids, not always being afraid of the next outburst. You can join by clicking on the link in the show notes or on the website. Hi Michelle, very glad to have you here today. So we'll talk about couples relationships. I'm really happy because I think with intense kids, it can be often tricky because we don't always agree. So I'm really glad to have you over.

Thank you so much for having me.

So can you start by telling us a little bit of why you do what you do?

Yeah, so I, like many, many people, did not grow up with healthy relationships to look up to. So my parents, they learned from their parents and their parents learned from their parents and they did not have healthy habits or the skills to have a thriving marriage.

And

so from an early age, I'd already learned how to be in a relationship. And I didn't realize until much, much later, many relationships later, that these habits that I learned, these beliefs that I held about relationships were actually not good. They were not conducive to relationships that helped me feel like I was really seeing her. No partnership. It was just not good. And so it really took several relationships that no matter who I was with, I was still encountering the same dynamic. And so who was the common denominator that would be me. And so I really took a deep dive into the world of personal development. I became more self -aware of what it is that I want, how I feel, how to manage my emotions, how to understand them, how to communicate in a way that doesn't turn people away, but rather has them wanting to engage in the conversation, wanting to listen, wanting to be there for me instead of me pushing them away, attacking them, being passive aggressive, blaming, all these like things that I thought were very normal, because that's what I witnessed growing up, only to come to learn that, hey, you're screwing up your relationships. It's not just them, right?

And so after becoming a mom, I entered into motherhood by being a stepmother first. So obviously not planned, but very much a decision that I made, but entering into motherhood like that really threw me in for a loop. I wasn't prepared for it, but I knew I wanted to be a good mom. And after that, I noticed the challenges that we experienced in our marriage as a result of becoming a mother figure. And then it was even more exacerbated once I actually had my own son. I had no idea the changes that would come about a marriage just from that transition of, Hey, we love each other. Let's expand our family. And then boom, no time, no energy, no patience, a lot more challenges, a lot more resentment and the problems that existed before. It's almost like you shine a million flashlights on them and it just comes up to the surface.

And so we had communication problems, we had issues understanding each other, finding time to connect, and all of that ended up with me saying, no more. This is not the life that I want. I do not want my parents' marriage. I do not want to be the type of mom that I had growing up. Like she did her best, right? She did her best. I love her for it. And I wanted something different for myself as a mother and something different for my kids. And same for my marriage. I wanted our marriage to actually not only look good in pictures, but to feel good. Oh,

I love that. our kids,

yeah. I want our kids to grow up in a home where they're like goals. That's my goal for my future relationships. So I know how to handle conflict in a healthy way. I know how to be a partner in a way that serves the marriage, not, oh, well, this is just what I think marriage is and this is what I'm going to take into it, but rather knowing the why behind it all, knowing the amount of energy and effort and commitment and consistency that it takes to have the type of partnership that can thrive through all challenges, parenting, regular life things and beyond. And now I wanna help people who are in marriages, parenting, like going through that whole parenting journey, know that they can have a marriage that feels successful as they navigate parenthood, even though they didn't have something to look up to while they were growing up. It's all just a matter of acquiring skills and applying them and working together to make sure that you're on the same page and just watching how your partnership can deepen and build and this impacts your intimacy, your

physical

intimacy, your emotional intimacy and being able to feel that level of connection is just like what we've all been wanting, right?

To feel seen and to feel heard, to feel cherished, all of that.

So

I wanna help people feel

that. Yeah. And it's very often that when you become a parent, less of that just go out the window. Oh yeah. It's

like, it's like the first thing that goes, because you look at your spouse, you're like, well, you versus the baby who's helpless, doesn't know what they're doing. They are dependent on me. I'm going to pick the baby because it's not only is it like, okay, well, it's my responsibility. But also sometimes when we become parents, the issues that rise up in our marriage become really difficult. And if we don't have the tools to know how to navigate them, we're going to go to the path of least resistance, which is parenting. They gave us all the feel goods, the smiles, their milestones, whereas the marriage is like, I don't even know how to talk to you because you're not listening or you're not doing what

I need you to do. You're not being there for me. So

I'm going to

go where I can feel more successful, which makes it worse, right, that decision to neglect the marriage because it's hard

makes it worse. Yes, of course. And I think also, like, with lots of challenging kids, it also increased because you have more reason to for conflict, and you're more tired, you're more overwhelmed. Yes. And you don't feel that success in your parenting at all. So you feel like you're failing everywhere, basically. And it influences each other. If you feel like you're failing in your couple, then it will have an impact on your parenting. And if you feel you're failing in your parenting, it will have an impact on your partner also.

It's a vicious cycle for sure, because with parenting difficult children, or shouldn't say difficult, challenging children, it can really take a toll on you because motherhood feels almost like it should be something that's innate.

We're

supposed to know how to be good at it. We're supposed to know how to be the type of mom that's patient, loving, kind, fun, all fill in the blank. But it's not that way. It really is that journey of personal development that you didn't know you were signing up for. You signed up for it thinking, oh, this is going to be so great. But really it's a mirror

pointing back to you at all the things that you need to heal within yourself to

be

the type of pair that you want. And what's funny is that marriage is the same way. It's also a mirror. And so a lot of the work that I do, there's actually a lot of parallels when it comes to having the marriage that you want, as well as being the type of mom that you want and having connection with your kids. It all starts with you and how you're taking care of yourself, what you have the capacity for when it comes to your emotional regulation, your communication skills, you being able to collaborate with them, right? Like collaborating

with

your partner, collaborating with your kids. It all is so similar.

Mm -hmm. So, we wanted to focus on conflict, because lots of it can arise when you have, for example, differences in how to raise a child. And when you have an emotionally intense child, you often need to change the way you parent. So what you learn, when you see, and what people are telling you is not working, and you need to try something else. And often, it does, like, the two parents are not going at the same speeds on trying new things. So it often brings up some conflict. So how would you suggest that parents handle those conflicts?

Yeah, that's really challenging. I actually do have a child with sensory processing disorder. So he has very low frustration tolerance and it was very challenging to parent him when he was younger.

Thank goodness we've gotten the resources and also we have grown as parents to be able to navigate and help him thrive. So issues at home have actually decreased a whole lot, which I'm so grateful for. But if you're in that phase where it's like, well, I want to go about it this way. And your partner wants to go about it a different way. It can be easy to just fight over it and to criticize each other because you're watching them, you know, as from your perception, ruin your child or make things worse or take steps backwards from what you've been trying to accomplish. And that could feel really hard because you want to be a team, but it doesn't feel like you guys are operating as a team. And so a lot of arguments are going to come out of this, whether it's in front of the kids, in the moment, or away from the kids, and you're just trying to convince each other to take your side. And that is the number one that downfall, that is not the approach that works in this situation. Because both of you clearly think that your method is the best approach. But when we are confronting issues from a stance of this is what I believe, this is what works, yours doesn't, that doesn't leave room for a safe space

to actually work together as a team and solve the problem together. we actually end up viewing our partner as the problem rather than the problem being, okay, we're not on the same page with how we're going to raise this child, how

we're

going to handle these outbursts, how we're going to help our child thrive and develop appropriately so that they can then live a successful, fulfilling life and be able to have the type of relationships that you want for them, right? Obviously, as a parent, we want nothing but the best for our kids.

Of course.

We don't

ever want to be the parent that's like, oh, you have a hard time making friends or keeping friends, or you're never going to be in a romantic relationship because you can't compromise or you can't empathize with other people. Of course, that's not the goal, right? And so that's why being able to have the approach of getting on the same page be the goal is the solution. And so with my 4R communication method, we're able to approach communication, approach conflict with a more methodical approach rather than just being emotional, being reactive, trying to convince the person to come over to our side because nobody likes to be told, you're wrong, your way sucks, you're a horrible parent. If you were on the receiving end of that, you'd be like, screw you,

how dare you talk me like that. We necessarily say things that way, but that's the message that we send often.

Absolutely. Absolutely. And what messages that put across, I don't trust you. You're not meant to do this. I'm not your teammate anymore. And that's not going to help your marriage at all. And it's only going to create an environment of hostility and tension and anything, but unity, which is what our kids need most at

home

is for us to be on the same page.

And can you explain a little bit of your method, how it works?

Yeah, absolutely. So I call it the four R's because there are four R's, right? So the first step is to actually reflect. A lot of times, if you're like me in the past, the way I approached conflict was, oh, you me off, I'm gonna bring it to you right away because I was fine before this and after you, whatever happened, I became mad. So you are at fault. So now you have to fix it.

Yeah.

But really the first step to effective communication, effective conflict resolution is to reflect, what is it that I feel? What is it that I want? Why do I feel this way? Why is this bothering me so much, right? Getting all of that, processing your experience so that you're not processing it when you're communicating with them is what's going to help the conversation move forward. It's when we approach the conversation without processing at first, without reflecting that we're talking while we're processing. And then meanwhile, when they have something to say, we're not really listening because we are still stuck in how we feel. We are not available to actually consider, huh, I wonder what it's like for them.

I wonder what their intentions are. I why they said that because they must have a good reason. If you're approaching conflict without reflecting, you are not ready because you are going to be speaking out of heightened emotions, looking for fault, looking to point out stuff and looking to just convince them to agree with you. That is not partnership in communication. Okay.

So basically the same as with the kids. It's like picking a pause before we act.

Absolutely. Right. Like with kids, we have to like have that poker face. And if you're not able to do that, your child will not want to open up to you. They're going to just say, or do whatever I need to feel safe in this moment, which is lie, act up to get attention, go somewhere else and shut down, whatever I need to say for you to stop talking to me. Right. And in your marriage is the same way. So you've got to spend that time reflecting so that you have the clarity before you go into the conversation, which then leads into the second R which is reveal, revealing the information that you have discovered in your process of reflecting. What did you learn about yourself in that time? What did you learn that you needed? What is it reminding you of?

Why are you triggered? How do you feel? All without blame or judgment or criticism, right? This is fully taking personal responsibility of your experience and just revealing it to them. This is my experience. And leaving an open space for them to share what their experience was. So it's more of a open conversation, not yet solving the problem, but rather this is where I'm coming from. This is where you're coming from. Okay, now how do we view the problem together and tackle it together, right? So the third R is repair. Where did things go wrong? Where can we come back together as a team?

Um, noticing, okay, I did this, that probably didn't go over well with you. I take full responsibility. I apologize. Taking ownership of even things from raising your voice or not communicating enough, right? Not being clear about your intentions or what you wanted, and then maybe you turned around and got mad at them for not knowing something that you wanted for, for assuming that they're supposed to be a mind reader, right? Things like that. this, this is a big

one.

Totally.

So often.

And, and even being aware of that, sometimes I do it and then I'm like, oh crap, I totally did it again. So

I got

to take ownership of that. Right.

Yeah. And I think like, I want to, because there's a fine line between, and that's, we were told as a couple at some point that I was always telling my husband what to do. And it's partly because he has ADHD. So if I don't ask, it's never gonna get done. Yeah, he kind of needs that. So it's our dynamic and it works for us. But also I think it's often because people just don't do it enough. So the person reflecting that was probably partly doing like that mind reading thing. Like how can he know what I want if I'm not asking? And then I'm gonna get mad because he didn't, don't know, clean the dishes, but if I didn't ask, yeah, he could have seen and did it because he saw the dishes, but because he has ADHD, it doesn't work like that way. He won't necessarily do stuff because it's in front of him. He needs to be told, which I don't mind doing. But like, I think also that the nuance, like we as a society in general, I think, expect others to understand without asking. I think it's very ingrained in the couple's relationship that we don't want to ask for stuff. So we expect the other person to do it without us asking. And I think that's a problem often too, that we don't ask for what we need. And often we don't really know what we need also, but that's another problem.

Well, that's why we need to reflect, right? When we realize that, Oh, we are irritated. We are frustrated. We are feeling resentful. Why? And not just stopping at the first, why, but drilling down even more, like, why does that matter? Right? A lot of people are like, oh, well, I'm upset because they're not putting their clothes in the hamper. Okay. Why does that upset

you? Right. Exactly.

Like finding, truly finding the root of the issue. And most times, it does relate back to something way before maybe in a past relationship, maybe in your childhood. And when you can discover what that is, then you're actually having a conversation worth having, not just, you know, picking on little things that in the grand scheme of things don't actually matter. Yeah. And so the fourth R is to actually reconnect. So after you've done the repair work, you've heard each other, you've both taken personal responsibility over how you played a role in this, you've got to reconnect, right?

So what does that look like? And this is especially relevant about what we're talking about. When you are approaching parenting in different ways, it can really create some distance within you because you're like, well, I don't like your method. And so you can kind of choose sides on, well, I'm going to be more of a gentle parent. I'm going to more authoritative, whatever. Whatever the differences are, you've got to find a way to reconnect. And that way, it's all about collaboration, figuring out, OK, well, we have this issue. How can we figure out a way to come up with a creative solution that we're both on board with? What

is

our vision?

right? And establishing that is not easy, but it's definitely a conversation that you must have. Because if you're going to approach parenting from two vastly different ways, that is going to continue to create friction in the marriage. And

I'm

not saying every single thing you do has to be identical.

What I'm

saying is the intention, the type of childhood that you want for your kids and your general approach. It is better if it's more so along the same lines, because then you can trust each other to be the parent that you want to be for your kids, even if you're not home and

you're

not left in the corner listening, overhearing what's going on, and just rolling your eyes, scoffing at them, or even worse, coming in, interrupting, trying to, you know, quote unquote, fix the problem. Meanwhile, you're putting your partner down and showing your kids that there is a hierarchy or this is how you handle things when you don't agree. You just intercept and basically disrespect people. And like I said, this conversation is something that you do not want to just sweep under the rug. I know when you have a hard time with conflict, it's easy to be like, you know what? We have things to do. We have people

to take care

of. Let's just put this to the side, and then it never gets brought up again.

This

the one type of conversation that you should not do that for. If you do have to take a break, definitely schedule a time to finish it because this is a type of conversation that if you see it through and you guys can get on board with it, right, you're both contributing, you're both collaborating into it and you both own it and actually act on it, this is what's going to prevent so many arguments in the future.

So even though

it's hard, even though it's going take time and effort and energy, it is so worth your while.

Yeah. It's because it's going to pay dividend down the road. Totally. A And it's easy to say like, we don't have time for that now because we need to focus on the child, which is the same excuse we give us for self -care. But in fact, it's things that drain our energy so much that if we can get rid of that, we will have much more energy to focus on the children and what's going on. And we will be a team working with, like to help that child and make things better. So it's gonna be much easier to work together than once against each other

or just side by side, basically. Absolutely.

And you know, there's definitely a room for you to have your own like little differences, right? But the core is what matters,

right? And

when you can have an agreement with that,

the

issues that you're seeing with your kids are probably going to decrease, right? A lot.

And then that's going to leave space. Yeah, there's a consistency. Yeah, exactly. The parents, the kids know what to expect when with both parents. It's not different. They're not going to turn around and go. parent. Yeah. Yeah. Go ask the other

one. Right. Oh my gosh.

That's such a pet peeve of mine. We have this hand saying where when we know that that's what's happening, we're like, what did the other person say? I'm going to have the same answer. Or if it's in front of both of us, they just repeat. The other parent just repeats what the other one said, like, you can't. No, that's not

how

this works. We are a team. We're going to have the same answer. And even when we disagree, we will never show that in front of the kids. Whichever one ends up changing their mind, whichever parent ends up changing their mind, they then get to go develop a plan on how to communicate that to the child so that it doesn't look like one parent is overriding the other. Because that's never our intent is to show our kids like, oh, the real decision maker is this one.

So let's just, we don't have to listen to this other parent. No, that's not what's happening here.

It's more of a team effort. and I would say also that that like balance thing is will be easy for kids to see if it's always the same parents who got the higher end and gets to make the decision basically then they might undermine the other parent because yeah we'll see that very easily they're good at

that oh yeah they're very good at that they're very opportunistic yes very

and they're observant most of the time, they will see things so well. Absolutely.

Yeah, and they really can show you where your partnership can be strengthened. So it might sting a little, but it's an opportunity to grow in that sense.

Yeah, they are, like you said, little mirrors and they point you where you need to grow, be it in your personal, like in your relationship with your partner or just with yourself.

Yeah, whether you like

it or not. And oftentimes it's what triggers us when the kids react in some way, it triggers us because we need to, not all the time, but sometimes that's the reason. Is there anything that you wanted to add before we finish that we didn't touch on?

No, I don't believe so.

I think just making sure that you are able to have those conversations to get on the same page is so, so important. And I actually have a free training. If you want to share that with your listeners on what I call the number one conversation married couples need to have but aren't. Great. It's kind of like, yeah, it's playing off of what I was saying earlier about getting on the same page with parenting. This goes beyond that. So in addition to, so this is definitely the number one conversation that couples need to have because this is what's going to set the tone for being able to navigate conflict better, being able to even avoid having to have unnecessary conflict with each other because you know you're on the same page, because you're operating as partners, as a team and

you

know what you're working towards and you're both making your way towards that. So it makes decision -making easier because you can just point back to the conversation you had. It's

almost

like a mission statement.

Yeah, a family mission statement, basically. Yes, exactly. Love that, great.

Is there any resource that was helpful for you or is helpful for you in your parenting that you would like to share?

Yeah, I think I would say that understanding my experience with emotions and really sitting in my emotions, learning how to do that, learning how to regulate my nervous system. Whenever I have heightened emotions has been a game changer for both my marriage and in motherhood, because when we're feeling emotional, that's when things get really messy when we're acting from our emotions and being able to sit and process it and know that this is actually the better way to take time and not jump into it, not address it right away, which was my natural inclination, because that's what I thought showed that I cared, that I'm dealing with it right away and I'm not letting it sit.

I think learning that has been the most profound, impactful thing I've done for myself and that I share with my clients to do is to really just, hey, get comfortable with the uncomfortableness of your emotions because it

has

so much wisdom to share with you about yourself so that you can be that present, connected partner and parent.

Yeah, true. It makes total sense. It's something that we don't necessarily... We were not taught that. No. It's not something we were taught. Not And emotions are often swiped under the rug and we don't want to talk, especially like Joy is okay, but not sadness. Anything

comfortable is okay.

Anything societally accepted is okay. But anger, frustration, annoyance, no, that's not okay.

Yeah, exactly. If parents want support, how can they with you and where can they find you?

Yeah, so I offer coaching on a one -on -one basis as well as couples coaching. Uh, if you want to connect with me and you want to listen to my podcast, you can hop on over there. It's called the marriage and motherhood podcast. Um, you can also connect with me on Instagram and I also have a free Facebook community for moms. It's called the marriage and motherhood. So I would love to get to know you and connect with you and support you in any of those spaces. So feel free to reach out and send me a hello.

Great. We'll put all the link in the show notes. Well, thank you so much for being here with us today, Michelle, it was a pleasure talking with you.

Thanks for having me.

I'm so glad you joined me today and took that time out of your intense life to focus on finding a new way to parent that works for you and your kids. To get the episodes as soon as they drop, make sure to subscribe to the podcast and please leave everything in review so other parents can find it too. Also, check out all the free resources on my website at familymoments .ca so you can take action on what's the most important for you right now. And take a deep breath, keep going, we're all in this together. you