050 - Self-Care and Regulation Practices for Parents - With Michele Riechman

Welcome to the podcast. Today we are delving very deep into self -care and self -regulation with Michel Raichman. So let's start that.

Welcome to Parenting the Intensity where we'll talk all about how we can drop the general parenting advice that doesn't work with our emotionally intense kids anyway and let go of the unrealistic expectations society puts on us as

parents. Together we'll find solutions and ideas that work for you and your kids. Chances are deep down you know what they need but you need a little encouragement to keep going on harder days and permission to do things differently and help you fully trust that you already are a wonderful parent to your exceptional but challenging kids. Are you tired of feeling overwhelmed and uncertain when it comes to parenting your emotionally intense child?

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Hi

Michelle, welcome to the podcast.

Thank you so much for having me.

So I will start to have you introduce yourself and letting us know why you do what you do.

Yeah, so I am a mom of four, and I'm also a military wife, and really my journey with health began after my third kid, and I was going up a flight of stairs, and I was out of breath, but was so overwhelmed, like, how do I even have time to take care of myself? And it really went back to the idea of going up a flight of stairs doesn't take long. Like, I don't have to exercise or do anything super long, so I started with quick workouts, back to the basics and really back to the idea of how can I start finding little pockets of time to take care of myself. So I also have my doctorate in physical therapy, but I now have my own business doing personal training and health coaching and really helping women find a way to simplify things and go back to the basics and being able to take care of themselves so that they can be the best mom, best spouse that they can be in their life.

Yeah. And this is a topic that I think in maybe not all, but almost all the episodes, we talked about the importance of self -care as a way to self -regulate and it's important for everybody, for parents even more, and parents of emotionally intense kids. It's another layer of it because we can very easily get triggered and dysregulated with emotionally intense kids. So I'm really happy that we can talk about that. So I just touched on it, but self -care helps in general to regulate our nervous system. Can you give us a definition, like your definition of regulation, as I love to give people different ones, because we can understand some better than others.

Yeah. So self -regulation, meaning just being able to regulate your emotions, but also like those body sensations typically pop up first.

Our heart rate might increase or something like that. And I like to think of the window of tolerance. So in the middle, we have that zone where we're sort of more in choice with what we want. We have the top where we're overactive and the bottom is low arousal. So really being able to regulate ourselves so we can stay in our window of tolerance where we can tolerate that kid having a meltdown. But we have to know what we need ourself. And that's different for everybody, because we all have different personalities. Some of us need more time in self care, self regulation activities like deep breathing, yoga, walking, some can have less of that and still do better. And some are going to tend towards different tendencies. So it's really finding that place where you feel regulated, you feel in choice with how you're reacting to things and that you can be able to calm yourself easier and stay in that tolerance.

Yeah, yeah, that's very interesting too. Like I often talk about what is helping us but I've never really thought about the level.

Like some of us need more of it than others. And I think that can definitely, like parents are experiencing so much guilt And I think that might be one of them, like, if you need more self care to be regulated, it can bring some guilt.

Absolutely. And I feel like that sort of have been me. So I'm the one who probably tends towards that hyper arousal, like, I can get worried, I can get anxious more. So I need things that bring me down back into my window of tolerance more. And I used to think like, okay, I got this little like half an hour, you know, a couple times a week, that should be enough, right? Like, not at all, not at all. And it's like, being okay with that. Because just like you said, we feel like we shouldn't need that much time to regulate or take care of ourselves.

And think when you combine that with emotionally intense kids, there's that part of us that needs more or less, but also, the more demanding your family situation or a life situation is, the more you need to do it. So it can be pretty high, the need for self -care and self -regulation.

Yeah, absolutely. And also having things that refuel you or getting help when you need help, because when there is that intensity from kids or from outside or stress from work or whatever, it is going to take you more and more to be able to stay within that window of tolerance and to really drain your energy.

Yeah, yeah.

And how would you say like when you're not in the window of tolerance? How can we know that we're there? Because I think sometimes we get disconnected a bit from our own reaction.

It can look different for different people. So it could be that more low arousal where you are withdrawn, where you're just scrolling your phone to try to numb out. Or it could be where you're amped up and you're stuck in worry or spiraling thoughts. So it's really when you notice that you feel so you're going to see what tendency you go towards to or different situations might bring different states of arousal. But noticing when you're sort of not in choice when you're reacting very quickly to things when you're feeling agitated, when you're feeling more frustrated than what you want, those are signs and really, obviously, prevention helps best. So sure you have things set up so it's not as frustrating or annoying to you. But also in the moment catching things as quick as you can, because we can spiral and not realize it. And then it is harder to bring ourselves out of it, just like we see that with our kids. When our kids are spiraled down the tube, it is harder to bring them back to a regulated state.

Yeah, it's easier when we see them starting to be dysregulated, or we can see that the earlier sign of whoops, they will get dysregulated soon is definitely easier to catch and to go back. And of course, it's the same for us.

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah. And I will say like, I know that for me now, now I don't do it as much. but when I was, when my older ones were little, I was yelling very easily when I was dysregulated, like getting in that state of like automatically reacting to the kids and not being able to support them or myself in this situation. I think that's the reality for many parents that we basically escalate with our kids when we are dysregulated.

Yeah. And then if we're escalating and yelling, our kids are just going to get more amped up. Yeah, so there's mirror neurons in our brains. So that's why if we can be calmer, our kids are more likely to respond to that versus if we're getting amped up, they're going to get amped up.

So that's the co regulation piece, when

we

are calm, we can help them be calm, just by being calm, basically, and not doing anything else.

Absolutely.

And also keep in mind, like, it's not like, I'm calm, it's 100 % my kid is going to be calm. It doesn't quite work like that. So we also need to do that and have patience with it too, because I know I am not prone to be patient. But thinking like, okay, I want to be calm, like I can do this, I can start to regulate myself, calm myself. And just really knowing that it's also a process. And it's a process for your child to then learn how to regulate and calm too.

And like you you talk about prevention basically so prepping things in advance and like what would be ways to regulate ahead of the moment where everything is hard?

Yeah so there's everyone's gonna find something different so try some different things out and really see what works for you. So some people actually need to sort of calm and so coming into more calm state. So like meditation, yoga, walking, deep breathing, things like that you might need doses of that throughout the day. Some people need a little bit more pick me up. So they might need some more

energizing things. It depends sort of how your brain is wired. So making sure that you have time to do that, making sure that you have time to process your thoughts. So this would probably be a really huge prevention. So if you keep reacting to your kid about a certain situation, really being able to break down like what's happening there. Like what are your thoughts? Because sometimes we catastrophize. So if we're worried that our child's gonna end up to be like some bad person because they're having meltdowns. And we have to catch those thoughts and catch what's going on and tell ourselves the truth. So especially when there's a situation that repeats itself, maybe it doesn't look exactly the same, but it's that same pattern.

Really being able to take some time to journal, to work with a coach, talk with a spouse, talk with a friend and really being able to think it through and see what's happening and notice what your thoughts are, what your feelings are, and also notice sensations you feel in your body. So a lot of times there's a sensation in our body that we feel first before that emotion and thoughts start to inspire.

Yeah, yeah, like you were saying, our tracing or heat or things like that.

Yeah. Or, you know, for nervous, we might feel it in our stomach or sometimes we feel things in our throat, I tend to feel it in my jaw, if I'm like scared to speak up, I'm more of a quieter person. So starting to notice those body sensations, because those are going to give you a little bit earlier cues. And it really allows you to tune in with yourself and your body as you're going forward. So I think those are some great ways to start prevention wise. And then in the moment, you got to have some tools to so deep breathing is like always my favorite because you can do it anywhere because we're breathing, but it's really becoming intentional and slowing that breath down. So if we think of our breath as we're breathing fast, that's gonna be a more anxious type breath. So when we start to slow it down and really slow our exhale, we're able to come back to our body better. And I don't know if you guys have seen

the hand model for the brain. So you put your thumb in the palm of your hand and that's like our feeling brain. And if you fold your fingers over your thumb, that is our higher functioning brain. And so when we are dysregulated, we say we flip the lid, this is for our kids, adults. So I have my thumb in my hand, my four fingers are up, and I can't think well. So you can't think well, your kids can't think well when we're dysregulated. So deep breathing does is it brings that thinking brain back online and allows us to make better choices. And there's different ways to do deep breathing. My favorite one to really slow my breath down is to purse my lips and exhale through my lips. But there's lots of different breaths. you can Google it and find some different ones and see what really sits with you so that you have

that in that moment, really quick way to calm yourself. And it's also a great thing for kids to start to pick up on too.

Yes, yes, definitely. And doing it in front of them can help them pick on like they do everything we do, especially the younger ones. So it's a great example to show how to calm before we react in a situation for sure.

Yeah, absolutely.

And you said, and I think I just wanna emphasize that, like it's the exhale is longer, which is, I think sometimes we, when we think about deep breath, we will take longer inhales, which is not as helpful, right?

Right, there is some breathing where the inhale and the exhale are the same. And then there are some different ones

where that exhale is longer. Okay. But you definitely don't want that inhale longer. Okay,

that won't do the trick that will help calm the nervous system.

Yeah. And really, when you get that deep belly breath, so when you inhale, you want your belly to expand, the last movement should be in your chest and shoulders, we really don't want if we're breathing a lot through our chest, we're not using our diaphragm, which is lower in our stomach. And what happens when we do that deep belly breathing, and we're expanding in our stomach, and then it sinks in on the exhale, is there's a nerve that goes behind the diaphragm, and that helps to calm us. So that is why we want to do that deep belly breathing. And that is why it helps to calm us too.

Okay, so that's also an important that breathing not because we tend to breathe, like really at the top of our lung, I would say, it and just feel the top. And and I can just like just saying it, I feel more stressed.

Yeah. So yeah, you can even watch yourself in the mirror,

like if there's a lot of up and down shoulder movement, that you're more chest breathing. But if you really start to focus on it, and it takes practice, I remember like the first yoga class I went to, I was like, I felt out of breath after three deep breaths, like, Oh my goodness, like, what's going on? But it really just takes practice to be able to do the deep belly breathing. But it's such a good tool. So being able to watch that belly rise, you might get a little expansion in the chest at the very end, and then letting it really sink in blowing out all that air.

Yeah, and it's so it's worth practicing not in the heat of the moment too. Because if you start when things are really hard it's gonna be difficult.

Yes and that's why deep breathing is a good prevention strategy and also in the moment but as with anything you you have to practice outside the moment.

Mm -hmm and is there other things that you could suggest for in the moment or is deep breathing the really most?

Yeah breathing is great the other ones are to think about we talked a little bit about four

but just really notice those thoughts that are popping up in the moment because our subconscious links to just sort of spin out of control and we're not even aware. So really becoming aware of those thoughts and telling yourself the truth because our brain has lots of thoughts and ideas and a lot of them aren't even true, but we keep living and thinking as if they are true. So really paying attention to those thoughts. I also sometimes in the moment, if you could like pretend like you're looking at yourself in this situation and just being able to step back from it and give yourself a little more perspective can also help. And sometimes is this idea of energy needs to move. So especially when we're in a situation where we feel stuck, we feel like we can't change something is literally getting up like going for a power walk. You could do like a couple jumps in your house, you can shake your hands and your arms and your legs is literally releasing some of that built up energy from your body can be really helpful too. And you can model that to your kids, because this happens with our kids too, they need to release their energy. And it's easier for us to see it in them. But just like we said, with the breathing, we can start to model this, okay, I'm feeling And this is where if you tune into your body, you can start to feel that excess energy build up. And it's like, I need to release this. And we're in such a sedentary society that we're just not doing that as much. So I think that can help. Another thing, yeah, is thinking about what you actually need in this situation. We sort of stay in our worries or whatever thoughts, but like, what do I actually need to help me feel better right now? And asking ourself that question, and then we'll be able to start to really tune in and do what we need to more,

if we're just asking ourself, like, what do I really need right now?

Yeah, yeah, and I would say like that, so mine is often like, when I get hungry, I lose patience and I get dysregulated very easily, and just realizing that it's because I'm hungry, even if I cannot eat right now, because I'm not home or anything, just knowing that's why I'm getting cranky. It's it's helpful.

Yeah, absolutely. hangry is a real thing for us or our kids. And that yes, it goes back to the idea of blood sugar balance, which I like to talk about, too. But yeah, when our blood sugar drops, same thing for our kids, is we can't be in that regulated state either. Because our body is like, I need something quick, I need something quick. So we're not going to be able to manage frustration or anything in the moment.

Yeah, yeah. And I have that tendency of leaving and going to get my daughter from preschool. And once I'm in the car, I'm like, shh, I should have eaten something before I go because getting out of that preschool is always hard. Yeah. And I always get there hungry. It's a little bit pattern. So yeah, those things that repeat themselves is something that we can act on in prevention. Like I should have something in my bag that I could eat. You know, I don't do it. It's just, I should. Yeah, but yeah, it's

definitely helpful. That was a lot of different ideas. I really love it. Thank you very much for sharing all of that. Is there any specific resource that you love as a parent or as a coach that you would like to share with the listeners?

Yeah, one thing I like to use myself is the insight timer app. So I actually, I will teach yoga classes sometimes on there. But so you can go to any like live classes for free. They also have lots of recorded tracks of meditation. So and you can put it by minute. So sometimes I might look up like a two minute meditation on this or five minute because I want those quick ones.

So there's like a huge library of stuff on there. The app is free. You can give donations to people. But that's a really great resource. You could put in like deep breathing and you're going to find different tracks and different teachers that you can do different deep breathing styles with. So it really has a huge free library of stuff.

That's great. Thank you. I love I love that question because I always learn new things.

Yeah,

I've never heard of that one.

So really love that one. Thank you. Great. And if people want more from you, the support, how can they find you?

Yeah, so I have a podcast called healthy beyond 40. So that's a great resource and focusing more on the self care of you, your health, we got blood sugar balance on their exercise, and really ways to keep it simple. So that is a great free resource to if you're looking into your health. And you can also find me on my website, just through my name. And I offer personal training and health coaching.

Great. We'll put all those links in the show notes so people can find it easily. Thank you very much, Michelle, for being here today. Really appreciate

it. Thank you.

I'm so glad you joined me today and took that time out of your intense life to focus on finding a new way to parents that works for you and your kids. To get the episodes as soon as they drop make sure to subscribe to the podcast and please leave everything in review so other parents can find it too. Also check out all the free resources on my website at familymoments .ca so you can take action on what's the most important for you right now. And take a deep breath, keep going, we're all in this together.