CS01 - Focus on the relationship, not the behavior - Special Connection Series

Welcome! Before we start today, I wanted to share with you that this episode is a special episode part of a series about connection. It's five episodes that will be released every day this week. The focus is all about lowering conflict with our emotionally intense kids by connecting instead of correcting. The topic of those five episodes will be why the relationship is so important, why our emotionally intense kids feel disconnected and why we as parents feel disconnected, stopping conflict in its track, discipline and boundaries without power struggle, and how to make it realistic in our every day to connect more with our kids. So go listen to the previous episode, subscribe to get the next ones and for all the information and subscribe on the website to get the magazine this very special first edition first issue of the family moments magazine that complement the those five episodes with short takeaways version of the episode so that you can refer back to them more easily and insight from guests of the podcast and an opportunity to join the connected family experiment that is going on next week. If you're listening to that later on, don't worry you can still get that magazine and you'll have more information about the

experiment. So I hope you enjoy that special series! Welcome to the podcast. So today we'll be talking about the importance of our relationship. Why the relationship we have with our emotionally intense kids is so, so important and why it be the first thing to focus on way before any kind of quote -unquote undesirable behavior. Welcome to Parenting the Intensity, where we'll talk all about how we can drop the general parenting advice that doesn't work with our emotionally intense kids anyway, and let go of the unrealistic expectations society puts on us as parents. Together, we'll find solutions and ideas that work for you and your kids. Chances are, deep down, you know what they need. But you need a little encouragement to keep going on harder days and permission to do things differently and help you fully trust that you already are a wonderful parent to your exceptional but challenging kids. Are you tired of feeling overwhelmed and uncertain when it comes to parenting your emotionally intense child? Do you often find yourself playing with guilt, fearing that you're not doing enough to help them navigate their intense emotions? You are not alone. Many parents face these challenges and struggle to find the right path forward. But take a deep breath, there's hope. That's why I created the Parenting the Intensity community. Imagine having a clear roadmap tailored specifically to your child's unique needs and your family's reality. Picture feeling empowered and confident in your parenting, knowing that you are providing the support and understanding your child needs. It may seem like an unattainable dream right now, but I'm here to tell you that it is within reach. Come and join us for our monthly group support to connect with other parents and get supported with your challenge right now. You also get one -on -one chat and audio office hours for the things that you're really not ready to share in the group and workshop tools, courses to help you in the process of finding

that balance of parenting in a way that works for you, your child, and your family. So most parenting advice out there focus on controlling kids behaviors. Whatever approach of parenting you can see, most of the time it's related to controlling the kids behavior, timing the kids behavior, making kids behave correctly. And you can replace behave by anything else if you want, but basically it's changing their kid's reaction to something. Even when we look at most of the positive parenting advice, the goal is still to control the child's behavior in a more respectful way maybe, but the premise stays the same. Parents should be controlling their child's behavior and if they don't, they're bad parents. So that's basically the message that we get if the child is not able to control their behavior, then it's the parent's fault. And first, like this is going at it all wrong because first the goal should not be to control the child behavior. And you and I know that as much as we try, controlling a child behavior is far from that easy. And it's not even good for to control the behavior. So, when connect with a child, it should be to connect. Not to have them get dressed, brush their feet or get in a car. When we connect with a child, it should be to understand them for who they are, not only understand why they are not complying to the demands we put on them. And yes, I know, there's a lot of struggle and again, quote unquote, undesirable behavior going on right now in your house. So, it's very hard not to focus on the elephant in the room because that's, or it's not really the elephant in the room because, anyway, you get what I mean, it's the thing that we see the most. And it's probably getting talked about a lot, contrary to the scene, but anyway.

When we choose to truly connect, just to connect, things change. We cannot connect with a goal, with a purpose, with a specific purpose to change a specific behavior. Getting on the child's level and looking at them in the eyes, which is another kind of problem is for some kids but let's not get into that today. And naming their emotions. When we are suggested to do that in positive parenting it is not bad advice per se. It's just that it's generally suggested with the goal to get the child to act the way that the parents want them to act. Not just to connect. It's always to connect with a specific goal that is the parent goal for the child to do something. But when we choose to truly connect, to understand the child for who they are,

we get to change those behavior. It will take more time, for sure. And of course, if there's a safety issue, yes, of course, address it right away. But only if it's a real one, not a fear of maybe a safety issue. And juice on the floor is not a safety thing, no matter how annoying it can be. And I know we, like, I still react really intensely sometimes when things get spilled up for some reason, it triggers me.

But it's not a safety issue. Nobody is going to get hurt because of that as long as we clean it up. Once we truly connect with them, support their real needs and support our needs in the process, because to be able to do the rest, that's necessary, then the behavior will change. Like I know, as I've said, it will take more time, for sure. It's not going to change right away, but it will change. And I'm not going to say it's going to magically change like this and... But they are going to change. It will change and improve over time. And for a time, things might get worse for a little while. Because as they adjust to the new normal, things can be a bit more complicated. They like, they're not used to you acting that way. So they might react to the change. They might react because they have suddenly a lot of leeway that they didn't used to have before, for example, in some area. And so there might be a moment when things get a bit harder, but they will fast adapt and cut out on the fact that you're just connecting with nothing else in mind, that you are doing your best to understand them and make them feel seen and heard, and that will change a behavior. Behaviors, even more than one, it will change the general relationship. But it will change the behaviors in a much more effective and long -term way than any sticker charge will ever do.

Because it's not based on changing that specific behavior. It's based on changing the relationship, the dynamic that you have. And a lot of the conflict that we have and a lot of the behaviors that we get from the child are coming from the dynamic. And I'm not saying it's your fault at all. That's absolutely never what I'm saying. Just saying that there is a dynamic and in that dynamic, we can help to change the behavior by changing the dynamic. And it will allow you to still have a line of communication open when they get older and things get hard in a different way. Because if you are not in the teen years yet, it is definitely another beast. And if you're there yet, you know what I'm talking about. But when they feel seen and safe for anything when they're younger, it's way easier when they get older. They will be safe, they will feel safe to talk about you about like anything. They won't have any fear of judgment from you or fear of getting in a conflict with you. They will know that they can discuss things and they can tell you things that they are a bit ashamed of and that you won't judge and you won't lecture them. And it will allow you to go to sleep at night without that nagging feeling that you get even more disconnected from your child that day. Because that often happens when we are in the conflict stage of our relationship with our kids, the conflicting moments. At the end of the day, we often go to sleep with that feeling that we were not why we wanted to be as a parent that day and that we made our relationship worse. Instead, you will go to bed knowing that you deepen your relationship with your child while supporting their real needs and hopefully yours in the process. So this is what I want you to keep in mind. Relationship is key and that should be the first focus, not the behavior. And I know that this is extremely hard when the behaviors are interrupting our everyday, are making things hard. But I really want you to try and focus away from the behavior as much as possible. Again, as long as it's safe. And focus on the relationship, because that will have a much more positive and long -term impact on your relationship. And to the behavior, on the secondary impact basically. So let me know if you have any questions and I hope you get to connect a bit more today. I'm so glad you joined me today and took that time out of your intense life to focus on finding a new way to parent that works for you and your kids. To get the episodes as soon as they drop, make sure to subscribe to the podcast past, and please leave everything in review so other parents can find it too. Also check out all the free resources on my website at familymoments .ca so you can take action on what's the most important for you right now. And take a deep breath, keep going, we're all in this together.

You