CS03 - Stop conflict in it's track - Special Connection Series

Parenting the Intensity · Sep 25, 2024

Transcript

Welcome. Before we start today, I wanted to share with you that this episode is a special episode part of a series about connection. It's five episodes that will be released every day this week. The focus is all about lowering conflict with our emotionally intense kid by connecting instead of correcting. The topic of those five episodes will be why the relationship is so important, why our emotionally intense kids feel disconnected and why we as parents feel disconnected, stopping conflict in its track, discipline and boundaries without power struggle and how to make it realistic in our everyday to connect more with our kids. So go listen to the previous episode, subscribe to get the next ones and for all the information and subscribe on the website to get the magazine this very special first edition first issue of the family moments magazine that complement the those five episodes with short takeaways version of the episode so that you can refer back to them more easily and insight from guests of the podcast and an opportunity to join the connected family experiment that is going on next week if you're listening to that later on don't worry, you can still get that magazine and you'll have more information about the experiment.

So I hope you enjoy that special series. Welcome to the podcast. Today we will talk about stopping conflict in its track. Making sure like what is our power as parents to make sure that when conflict starts with our emotionally intense kids, it stops as soon as possible. We'll address why that is the very great thing to do and how we can do it. So let's get started! Welcome to Parenting the Intensity, where we'll talk all about how we can drop the general parenting advice that doesn't work with our emotionally intense kids anyway and let go of the unrealistic expectations society puts on us as parents. Together we'll find solutions and ideas that work for you and your kids. Chances are deep down you know what they need but you need a little encouragement to keep going on harder days and permission to do things differently and help you fully trust that you already are a wonderful parent to your exceptional but challenging kids. Are you tired of feeling overwhelmed and uncertain when it comes to parenting your emotionally intense child? Do you often find yourself playing with guilt, fearing that you're not doing enough to help them navigate their intense emotion, you are not alone. Many parents face these challenges and struggle to find the right path forward. But take a deep breath, there's hope. That's why I created the Parenting the Intensity community. Imagine having a clear roadmap tailored specifically to your child's unique needs and your family's reality. Picture feeling empowered and confident in your parenting, knowing that you are providing the support and understanding your child needs. It may seem like an unattainable dream right now, but I'm here to tell you that it is within reach. Come join us for our monthly group support to connect with other parents and get supported with your challenge right now. You also get one -on -one chat and audio office hours for the things that you're really not ready to share in the group, and workshop tools, courses to help you in the process of finding that balance of parenting in a way that works for you, your child, and your family. You have more power than you might think to stop the conflict when it starts. In fact, I would say you basically have all the power. Which is kind of hard to hear. Would that mean it's our fault if there's conflict then? Well, no. I will never say that. Because nothing is our fault. We are all doing our best with the knowledge and resources we have on hand at any given time. And those resources include our energy that's fluctuating, and that knowledge

includes contradicting advice that we receive all the time, just to name a few key ones here. But we have the power to stop the conflict by staying calm ourselves and not engaging, which is much, much, much, much, much, much, much easier said than done, let's be honest. It literally took me years to get to the point where I almost never lose control when I'm faced with an uncooperative, uncooperative, that's a hard word, child, or a child that yells at me for some reason. Basically a child that doesn't cooperate, or a child that yells, or a child reacts very intensely. But it was not always the case, far from it. For years I was willing way too much, many times a day, and I did even say that one of my child was not listening unless I was yelling. I said that more than once. With what I know now, I feel that's terrible, but I didn't No, I need any other way to have any kind of cooperation at that point. I was not able to do anything differently back then.

So if it's you right now, and you're losing control way more than you wish you did, know that I've been there and I absolutely don't judge you. I know how hard it can be to not do it. And I still sometimes catch myself rising my voice more than I wish or about to lose patience. I'm human and my own resource fluctuates too. Sometimes I'm more tired or angry or anxious and I will have less patience. The difference is that when it happens once it's a few times a week maybe instead of a

few times a day and I caught myself doing it and I can bring myself back way faster, I will not escalate like I used to. I was really escalating a lot, but I don't do that anymore. I might snap once and then I get myself back. I apologize and I move on. I was not able to do that before. Because that's the thing, we escalate a lot. And when we escalate, we make the conflict worse. And that's where we have all the power to not escalate. No, it won't make your child's reaction, frustration, sadness, or anger go away. Although sometimes it can help. But it will stop the conflict part of it. That will go away and you'll be able to act as a team instead of fighting one with each other. Now, how do we actually do that? Because it's very hard and I'm sure you've been trying for a long time. So first know that it's completely normal and know that there's something you can do about it. Knowledge is power and now you have more knowledge if you didn't. Next, focus on regulating your own emotion. Fulfill your own needs. I'm not only giving you permission to do what you want and need, I'm telling you that you have to do it in order to take care of your child. That it's the first step and that as long as you're not doing it you won't stop yelling or losing patience or anything. It won't work. Like it's mandatory and there's not much things I will prescribe you to do. But this is one. Like you need to fulfill your own needs. And I know that from experience. I put myself last for so many years and I was totally exhausted. I was snapping at my kids and often for things that they were really not that bad. Like those things were not that bad it was just I was focusing on them on finding ways for like the problem was them from my point of view but I made the switch slowly I

did for me it was yoga and photography and I allowed myself to create things just because I loved doing it and to take the time to drink my tea warm even if it was their re -eaten for the third time tea. I even force now my youngest to play in their bedroom alone in the morning before breakfast while I do my yoga. Forcing is a big word, but you know what I mean. We're not going down before I've done my yoga because I need that. Can you imagine? I put my knees before hers. I would have never even thought of doing that 10 years ago. But I at the same time, I'm not really putting my needs above hers. Because as I tell her, and I do, when I feel good, I'm a better mom. Because slowly it happened, I realized I was focusing on my kids more, yelling less, I was more patient, more present, and all without really trying actively. It was like magic, except it was not. It was me being more regulated. That's it. It's not about controlling your child or even controlling yourself. It's all about indulging and what makes you feel good and practicing regulation -based self -care. Like, I'm telling you to indulge here right now. Is that so bad?

I know it's hard, but it is not so bad. And any kind of mindfulness approach work will work here to help you regularly, plus answering your own sensory needs and recognizing all of what you're doing through going through emotionally and dealing with it. And this is a beast. Let's be honest, you can start small. I have a ton of resources free and paid to help you do that. I will link a few of them, or of the ones I can think of that can help, and other podcast episodes that can help you, like, yes, do some regulation practices, and work on your sensory needs and also work on everything that is taking a toll on your emotion and your anxiety in that situation. And of course there's things that are outside of the relationship you have with your child, like you can have problems at work and you can have family members that are like hard to deal with or that have sickness for you and your family or extended family members, like there is lots of things that can pull on you emotionally. But know that when those things are pulling on you, you will need more regulation practices. You will need to take care of yourself more in order to be able to deal with all of that. Because you will lose patience, you will snap more easily. Then once you're regulated, well nope, that's not true. Regulating yourself is going to be an ongoing process, I'm sorry. It never really stops, especially when you're dealing daily with intense emotion. It's a little like you're filling a sieve with sand. It passes through, especially at the beginning. And you need to keep filling it. But little by little, the sand gets stuck in the little holes. And it passes less and less. So you need to put less for it to fill up. Then at some point, it might even get full. But then you spill some or bump it and it spill entirely and you need to start again. Your emotional energy is the same. At the start, the self -care and regulation practices will feel like it's not working, like you're doing a lot and you don't feel better. Then one day you'll realize that you didn't even try and you didn't yell and something that used to make you yell normally didn't. Then, yes, an event will shook you and make you fall back, but you'll be able to feel it more easily because you know it works, you'll experience that it works. And it's really different than me telling you something when you experience it by yourself. It's much more powerful, let's be honest, like when we know that something's like I know now that doing yoga makes me feel better, not just physically, but also emotionally. But it took me a while before I was able to say, like, when I don't feel like doing yoga in the morning, I can lock myself into doing it because I'm like, I know how much better I will feel all day. So, and when I'm taking my camera, for me, that's another thing. When I take my camera with to an outing. Sometimes I'm like, I don't really want to. It's big. It's heavy. But I know that I will be different. I will act differently. I know it works for me. So it's much more easy for me to do it, to do that self -care and to give myself the permission to do it because I know the impact it has. So I encourage you to experience it because it's the best way for you to know how much it works is to experience it for yourself. But once you start to be more regulated, because you won't get there completely, but you can start to feel that Steve is filling up, you can start to recognize much more easily when you get disregulated. And you can stop yourself and get back

to a calmer and more positive way to communicate. And the communication is a beast in and of itself. I won't address that in detail today, but the way we communicate is essential. And when we accuse and expect bad behavior, we get bad behaviors. And if you want more of that topic of communication, I will link an episode on that topic in the show notes too. But once you start to get more regulated,

you can be truly present with your child and really listen and understand their point of view and their needs in the situation. And when we start from there, it's much easier to not escalate to conflict, to stop the conflict. There will be no conflict. There will still be reaction. There will still be intense emotion, frustration, tears, kicks even, but there won't be conflict anymore. I want you to just... I will repeat that. There will be reaction, there will be behaviors, but there won't be conflict. And that's what I really want you to remember and to laugh. That's the big difference. Your child might still react exactly the same, but when you don't give in, when you don't escalate, when you don't participate, there's no conflict anymore. There's just a reaction, a child reacting, there

is no conflict. Okay, I'll stop saying that. I hope it's sanctum. Check the resource there. I linked, I talked about many things that could help. So check the resource and the show notes of this episode. It's generally on the website for this episode. So let me know if you have any questions and if that made sense to you. Have a nice day. I'm so glad you joined me today and took that time out of your intense life to focus on finding a new way to parent that works for you and your kids. To get the episodes as soon as they drop, make to subscribe to the podcast and please leave everything in review so other parents can find it too. Also check out all the free resources on my website at familymoments .ca so you can take action on what's the most important for you right now and take a deep breath keep going we're all in this together