057 - Overcoming Advocacy Fears - With Scotti Weintraub

Welcome to the podcast! Today we will be talking about why or what might be keeping you from advocating for your child, from asking for what you really think your child needs to be able to function well, mostly in school but it can apply to so many different settings. And to do that we will once again welcome Scottie over on the podcast. I will link to her other episodes in the show notes too. And yeah, let's welcome Scottie!

Welcome to Parenting the Intensity, where we'll talk all about how we can drop the general parenting advice that doesn't work with our emotionally intense kids anyway, and let go of the unrealistic expectations society puts on us as parents. Together, we'll find solutions and ideas that work for you and your kids. Chances are, deep down, you know what they need. But you need a little encouragement to keep going on harder days and permission to do things differently and help you fully trust that you already are a wonderful parent to your exceptional but challenging kids. Are you tired of feeling overwhelmed and uncertain when it comes to parenting your emotionally intense child? Do you often find yourself playing with guilt, fearing that you're not doing enough to help them navigate their intense emotions? You are not alone.

Many parents face these challenges and struggle to find the right path forward. But take a deep breath, there's hope. That's why I created the Parenting the Intensity community. Imagine having a clear roadmap tailored specifically to your child's unique needs and your family's reality. Picture feeling empowered and confident in your parenting, knowing that you are providing the support and understanding your child needs. It may seem like an unattainable dream right now, but I'm here to tell you that it is within reach. Come join us for our monthly group support to connect with other parents and get supported with your challenge right now. You also get one -on -one chat and audio office hours for the things that you're really not ready to share in the group, and workshop tools, courses to help you in the process of finding that balance of parenting in a way that works for you, your child, and your family. Welcome to the podcast. Welcome, Scotty. Again, this is the second time we are having you over on the podcast. For far, some of those who didn't listen to the first one, can you

introduce yourself and tell us a bit of why you're doing what you're doing?

It's nice to be back again. I'm Scottie Weintraub. I'm the founder of Reframe Parenting. And I started my business because I struggled when my own kids were newly in school to figure out how to support them when it became clear that they needed more of my attention and time. And I didn't know what to do. And after getting really frustrated, spending a lot of time going to meetings and trying to figure it out. I found some success, but I wished that I hadn't had to go through all of that. So I started helping other people kind of figure out what to do too, when their kids were having a hard time at school. And then that's how Reframe Parenting started. I started doing it casually and realized that there's just so much need for parents to be able to figure out how heck they can support their kids at school, because there is no roadmap. No, no one tells you how to navigate this. I there was a, you know, like we had the baby books.

Yeah, that was that that would be a great one. You should write that.

I'll add that to my to do list. But I have just talked to so many parents now who really are in need of support and they deserve it too, to help figure out how they can advocate for their kids at school and help them succeed.

Yeah. Yeah.

And I mean, I went through that with two kids, my second, like my third is not yet in school. The other ones are in high school, but it's so hard because I'm not a teacher. I have no clue how it works in the classroom. And what I can do at home for my kids is not necessarily something that is doable in the classroom. And when they're asking what to do to accommodate, I'm kind of blanking most of the time because I don't know.

That's true. And I think it puts us as parents at a real disadvantage because we're not there in the classroom. It's not a space that we, I mean, maybe when your kids are little, you might drop them off and pick them up

and you have those little interactions, but you don't know what's happening every day. You don't

know

the rhythm of the classroom. You don't know the expectations of the classroom. You don't know really how they manage situations that come up. And so it puts us as parents at a huge disadvantage. And it also creates a huge power imbalance because teachers are operating in these settings as professionals. So when something happens with your child and you end up, for instance, in a meeting with a teacher or an administrator or a team of people sometimes, you're there as a parent. So you're there in a very, very personal setting. You this is your baby. Time's very tall, as mine are now, but this is your, you know, you care deeply about them. You're invested in their success. And yet the other people across the table from you are not in that same kind of vulnerable space. No,

no, it's their job. It's not their, their life. Yeah,

this is, which is just, it just is right. It's not,

that's okay. It's just a reality,

but it creates this power imbalance where parents can feel very intimidated, can feel, you know, in over their heads, um, where they just don't have the information. They don't have the skillset. They don't have the

information that, you know, teachers have.

Yeah, and even, like, I would say I, I was, I worked as a social worker in a pediatric re -adaptation center. And I dealt with a lot of teachers and school for the patient there, like the families, and I was helping them find accommodation for their kids. So I knew how it worked. I knew the system, I knew what was possible for in some instance. But when you're the parent, it's still not the same. Even if professionally, I was, I knew some of it. As a parent, it was not helping me out that much, a little bit. But I had a bit of an advantage on

other parents, but not that much because it was still my kids, and I was still emotionally involved. And I was not believe the same way as when I was on my chair as a social worker, I was listened to as a professional. And then the same thing when I was asking the same things as a parent, I was not believed the same way. I think that's like, it's nobody's fault. It's just a fact that we believe parents less, in general, than professional. And

do think that there's plenty of work to be done on this issue. And there are some teachers who are amazing at this.

But there

are some who could, I think, be more open to parent feedback about, for instance, what works at home for their child, or ideas for what to try. In order for them to do that they have to be open about trying new things. And for some people, that's hard. And as we're saying, these are people in a professional setting, and they want to feel like a professional. And so part of feeling like a professional is often feeling like you know what you're doing. Really

true.

Right. And everybody wants to feel that. And so when you're encountering as a teacher, a situation where a child is and what you're doing isn't working, it isn't always a really comfortable place to be either.

And - No, for sure.

It's the same like doctors who don't really know what to answer, they're often trying. Like, I think it's just a natural thing to do and trying to mask it, like to not show that you don't know as a professional what's happening because you're expected to know. And it takes a lot of humility and self -reflection on their part to be able to say, you know what? I don't know. We'll need to work that together. And I don't think that's every human being is there. It doesn't matter what we do as a job or just not every human being is able to do that in every setting.

And I think no human beings are able to do that in every setting, but no,

no one is perfect by any stretch. But I agree with you that if we're opening ourselves up in that way, it just builds relationships. And I talk a lot about this with parents about teacher communication that we were building a relationship. And so that takes two people. And sometimes just acknowledging those power dynamics is enough to like, okay, okay. I see what's happening now. right? It gives us a little bit of perspective. Yeah. But sometimes it takes a little bit of work, right? And trying to maintain those relationships is just like maintaining any other kind of relationship.

Yeah. But as you were saying, there was some sort of imbalance in the power dynamic. So it's harder to maintain the relationship when there is. Yeah,

it is hard. But if we're going to talk about myths that hold us back. I one thing that really holds parents back is this fear that they're going to be that parent. Oh, yes. I felt it.

Yes, me too.

You're laughing. So I'm assuming you felt it.

Oh, yes.

It's so easy to not especially if you're a person who doesn't like conflict or is a, you know, I'm a recovering people pleaser myself.

Yes.

And it's really easy to just want to like go with what's happening and not rock the boat, not make too many waves.

Yeah.

And no one wants to be labeled as Oh, that parent. Yeah,

I would say I think it took me again. Yes, I think it took me 10 years to be comfortable with that. And then like, I know now that I'm that parent and I don't care. And know what? It's almost like, I'm almost proud of it, but it took me 10 years to be there.

And it took me, it took me a long time too. So I have a lot of empathy for parents who feel this because it took me a long time. But what I kept keeping in mind is like, what, what am I trying to get out of this? I'm trying to get my child the support that they need to be successful. And if I'm getting too tripped up in like my own stuff, I'm not getting to that goal.

Yeah. And I think that's like, I'm going to link to the other episode that you were in, because I think that links to many things that we talked about in that episode, too, about the fact that we are not the same as your child and that it's not a reflection of our parenting, what's happening. I think that's huge.

It's directly linked to those elements. so people that haven't listened to the first one will go back because he thinks it's all related and it's so hard. It is so hard but it's so true that keeping the goal in mind will help a lot to stop focusing on how we feel in the process.

Yeah, I'm not trying to say that anyone and shouldn't have feelings about the process it's parents, oh

my goodness. We will. So many

feelings. And those are all valid and you can feel them, but we have to find a way to move past that and to the action. And if that means trying to not think about being labeled as that parent or put that on the, you Yeah, bag

burner.

On the

back burner and say like, it's okay. if I have to do this, this is what I will do. And I'm also not suggesting that being that parent means that you should be rude or no aggressive or confrontational, but it just means continuing to show up for your child and do the things that you've got to do to get them what they need.

Yeah. And that it's okay to say no sometimes and to put your foot down when it's needed. Yes,

that one's hard too. That one's really hard. Yeah. Another one I would say is a lot of people get held back by this idea that they have to know what to do in order to actually make a difference for their kid at school. That if I don't know what the action is, why even get started?

Yeah, so I cannot ask for accommodation if I don't know what accommodation to ask for, basically. Yes.

And this is a huge bind for people because often schools will say to parents, well, what exactly do you want me to do? And that's where the support piece comes from, right? That's where I think that we need more information for parents. we need to arm them with all the resources and seek out the supports, talk to people who are in similar situations, which I think just helps all of us in general to find people who know, you know, have been there and know how

to understand.

Yeah, yeah, just that that empathy piece again about knowing like, Oh, she gets it. I can, I can talk to enough because she understands what it's like for me. Like, so that community piece I think is important, but a, the myth being that you don't have to know all of it in order to just get started.

Yeah, definitely. You can

find it out. We can seek out resources. We can figure things out, but you

don't

need to be stopped from doing anything by this idea that you need to know all of it up front.

Yes, yes. Because you're never gonna get there if you don't start.

No, no.

Another myth I think that can be really difficult is that parents will sometimes say, well, I think they're just gonna grow out of it.

Yes, yes. And I don't want to be defeating, but most of the time it's not the case, unless we're talking about maybe a preschooler, but even then.

Right. By the time you get to be school age, if they're having particular challenges, sometimes, I won't say all the time, because sometimes they do just sort of, you know, challenges get smaller as they age sometimes. But if it's a brain -based difference, like a child with a learning disability or ADHD or those things don't change.

No, no, it will stay there and it will most likely get worse as they grow because expectation will get higher. And I would say the probably the only way something would get better is if it's just situational, like for example, parents are getting a divorce and the time that the kids is adapting might struggle in school because it's harder at home temporarily, but then when things settle down at home, the kids will go back to working fine in school. So in those situations, I think that's possible. But if it's related to the child itself, it might not be.

Right. It might not be. And I think sometimes parents use it's a very I don't don't blame anybody.

It's a protection mechanism to say,

like, I'm

just going to know. Yeah. I'm going to pretend this isn't happening. Yeah. Because it's a. It's hard. It's work. Yeah. It is hard. Yes. It's not. There's no cheat sheet that will launch you into, you know, a perfect situation.

Yeah. And it takes so much energy that we don't have, especially if we're struggling at home too. We will deal with what we have in front of us, which is what's happening at home. And then we know that part of that might be coming from school, but it's another. right? It's a

chicken or egg situation sometimes about where where to spend your energy and time. And well, because we're not insiders, at school, it can feel like an easy place to just let go, right? We're not living there. We're not seeing even if you're hearing all those reports, like, they did this, or this happened, or they're behind on this, like, you're still we

still have some physical distance. Yeah. So it can be easy to just brush that aside because it's not the more immediate, like you're not in it in the same

way every day. Yeah. At the same time, I would say because I experienced it, I think that call or like email from school every single day takes a lot of mental energy and emotional energy. Oh

Oh, I'm so glad you brought this up because this is, It's still, to this day, and I've been doing this for a long time, it still makes my heart skip a beat when I get one of those emails, or I see the school phone number flash across

the screen. And son, there was an app at some point, when I was in school, it before, each time I had a pop of that app, like a notification, I was, it's almost a trauma response.

Right? No, I absolutely can be a trauma response. There is no doubt in my mind that that that is the case. And I actually put

together recently a whole workshop on calm communication with teachers. And part of it is about like, taking a deep breath when you get those emails or phone calls and being like, okay, this can sit for a little bit while I get myself together. don't have to be.

Yes, yes, yes. And sometimes, like, I know, I think some teachers just don't realize how intense it can be. I sometimes got a, like, phone in the middle of the day for things that were really not urgent. I was like, could you please just email for us, do you have that? I definitely wait. Like, I'm also working and I'm not off at 3 .15. I'm at work right now and I took the call out of something important because it was cool, you know? And when school calls, you answer. Yes,

it's that parent, you know, mama bear thing that you're like, oh, what

is this?

And yes, I've popped out of meetings. I've done all of those things. When just because you worry that the next thing is going to be like a big thing that you have to attend to right this

moment. Yes, yes. And I always say like, most

the time, they're not always that

urgent. No, it happened like I answered to so many calls from school and the one time it was a real urgency we were not able to answer neither me or my husband. My mom ended up to go to school and it was the only time it was like my son got really hurt And finally, she got there and my older one is very managing physical hurt really, really, really, really well.

So he basically had a hole in his leg, but he stayed in school anyway. But it was bleeding hard and I think he still has a mark on his leg from that one time. And it was kind of a little hole for a really long time. So it was a big one, not the end of the world. I his life was not in danger at all. But still, it was the only time that we really had to go.

Of course, because that that that would be when it happened, of course.

But yeah, it still is that thing. And I I know like it's the thing that people understand during the meeting, but you're going to get a phone call. It's the school calling or the daycare calling. Like everybody gets that. So it's hard. It's a big one for sure. That communication. Yeah. So you were like we jumped to something else, but it's OK.

And now I lost my train of thought, too, so let's just move on.

That's okay. Yeah, you were saying, what were you saying before, I diverged that clearly it takes a lot of space in my life. It took a lot of space in my life. It's not anymore because I'm homeschooling.

Oh, well, that's got its own challenges.

Yeah. And it's because we were not able to get the accommodation we needed. Honestly, that was one of the reasons that we are homeschooling right now. So it's a big, like we didn't choose to homeschool because of values or anything. We and it's the reality for a lot of homeschoolers that they took their kids out of school because they were not able to get the accommodation they needed for their kids at school. It's like, I have no numbers officially, but almost everyone I know that homeschool do it for that reason.

But I think it can hold parents back in addressing situations if they assume that their only option is to homeschool, you know, that there aren't, that there's no gray area in the middle. And I appreciate so much that, that you found what works for your family. But I think sometimes people get nervous, like, oh, my kid's having trouble at school. I guess I'm going to have to homeschool. And it's like, okay, let's take a step back. Let's try some things, right? Because maybe there are things that will help. Maybe, you know, it's not true in every situation,

of course, but I think that can hold people back too. That sort of fear that like we're going to have to upend our lives and homeschool and maybe that's not like, let's try some things.

Yes, yes, yes. I think that's also different from country to country because I know in the US homeschooling is pretty mainstream, which is not the case over here. Like I honestly, like it's the first time that we're homeschooling. I also homeschooled like 10 years ago and I even use it as a threat sometimes. I can say to a teacher like, it's okay if that doesn't work, I'm going to homeschool and teachers are kind of working harder. It's kind of something that we can use here because it's really not mainstream and most people don't want us to do it, it's not seen as something that is as valuable as school, basically. So I think it's a different thing depending on where we are. In some countries, it's just illegal to homeschool anyway. So it's really different from one place to then in that case,

you're just really having to work within the system.

Yes.

I it varies a lot. Where I live, there are lots of people who homeschool, but in some communities, that's not the case. I think, you know, it just varies a lot. But I just don't want parents to assume that their only options are the current situation and homeschooling because

they're really, you know, there's a, yeah. And I think that's a big

range in between.

Yeah. And it's huge because as I said, it's not a choice necessarily that we made, like lots of parents are cornered into homeschooling. And I think it's important to know that there is alternatives, if it's not something you want to do.

Absolutely.

Yeah. So was there any other myth that we didn't touch on?

Oh, I mean, I'm sure many that we did not touch on. But I guess my sort of overall point is just like, I encourage parents not to let these things hold you back in getting involved in what's happening in school, because you as a parent are the best advocate for your child.

Yes, yes, yes.

Which goes back to our comment about it being very personal. You know them best. You know that they are smart and funny and inquisitive and all of the wonderful things about them that maybe those teachers aren't seeing because they're having a hard time in their classroom and so you can bring a lot to a conversation and you're really the best person to do it. And if we're going to be really honest, there aren't, it's very rare for someone else to take on that role as the advocate for their, you know, for your child, if it's not you, there aren't a lot of other options. So I just want to encourage parents that if you're feeling held back, like, oh, I don't know, maybe it'll go away. Maybe if I avoid it, it'll just pass. Maybe they'll grow out of it. I just want to say that getting involved in what's happening with your kids when they're struggling in school is the right thing to do. Now. You know, don't wait. If you can, if you can avoid it, don't wait because there's always a possibility that things are

going to get better. And that's why you know, that's speaking of whatever our goals, that's a goal, right? Like, we just want it to be better for our kids. We want them to be successful. We want them to learn and want to be happy in their school environment. So if we as parents can get involved and make a difference, that's what we want. Yeah,

we want to get in

there and do what we got to do. If you need more encouragement, you know, it's and you need somebody to help you on that's, that's what I do. Yes, yes. And I help parents, you know, sort of identify what's happening doing that detective work. And then,

you know, what's the first step? What's the second step? What are we going to try? Do we need to readjust and try something different? So there

are

people like me, but there's also, you know, turn to people who have kids that also struggle. They're, you know, they're also there as a source of support for you. So So let these things hold you back.

Yes, yes, definitely. And I think that what you're saying of addressing it as early as possible is big because it's easier when they're younger also, you have more contact with the teachers, the more they grow older, the harder it is. And when they start to have accommodation young, they will that will most likely follow them when they grow older. so it won't be like, it will build on itself as they grow. You won't have to go and defend Dove's accommodation, you might a bit, sometimes it's a recommencement each year, but if you have

like the story of the previous years, it's in general, it's easier. So I think that's also very Yeah, and one

other point I'll just make on that too, is that our

runway,

if we think of our parenting journey as a runway, it's, you know, you're always getting closer to the end. And not to say that our job as parents ever ends, because no, but

I

hear from people with adult children that it really doesn't end your, your ability to influence your ability to, to get involved to take action, to make a difference in their school setting or at home, you know, that's getting smaller. Yes. And as your kid gets older into secondary school, and they have more teachers, and then the teachers start expecting them to take on more work and really don't want to talk that much to parents. Nope. So it's just, it starts to change so that earlier you can do that while you still have more communication with teachers more, the better.

Yeah, for sure. For sure. Because once they're in college, they won't expect the parents to go with them for that. Yeah.

And then it gets, it gets tricky. Yeah. So we want to give them the tools they need to succeed and build those strong, you know, that strong foundation so that they can then, you know, succeed through upper their upper grades and beyond.

Yes, for sure. So thank you very much for that. I hope it's, it's giving some parents the courage to take it on. And I think - so. Yeah, I think it's also an action that we can take. Like it's easier to go and ask than to live through the fear and pain of getting an email or a phone call every day from school. It will feel less like powerless. You'll feel more empowered to go ask for accommodation

than to just like receive those things as something negative all the time.

Yeah, and when they start spacing out, there's just a little more relief, right? That it's like the best. Oh, so much. Oh, I haven't gotten that call in quite a while.

Yes, and this year it was November. Until November, I didn't get anything from school

and I was like, wow. When I got the first call, I was like, I'm almost happy I'm getting that call. It's it's it's been a month and a half. So, yeah, that's that's huge for sure. It feels so spacious in it's it's big like it's a win. Yeah, it definitely is. Yeah. So thank you very much. Where can parents find you if they want more support?

They can find me on my website, which is reframe parenting dot com. And on Instagram, I'm just at reframe parenting. And if you want to drop me an email, I promise I'll answer it. I'm at scotty at reframedparenting .com.

Great. And last time you shared a very great book by Ross Green, Lost at School, which I think is very relevant for today too. Is there any other resource that you would like to share with parents, or is that the one?

Yes. Okay. Well, I want to recommend the website understood .org. Okay. And you look like you don't know this one, so I'm going to bring it to your attention. Understood .org is a nonprofit organization that's doing amazing, amazing work getting information out about learning differences and neurodiversity. And it is a treasure trove of information, resources, articles. So, and you can search by topic like ADHD or executive functioning, or just Calcula, or whatever it is. They've got really tremendous resources,

so I highly recommend them.

Great, love that. That's why I asked that question to Lguess. So many great resources. I got so many things that I used myself. Nobody knows all of them, so I love to get those new resources. So thank you very much for being over again, and I will of course link in the show notes and on the website all the way to reach you and the other episode you were on so that people can contact you if they want some help. So thank you for being over. It

was a pleasure. Thanks so much for having me.

I'm so glad you joined me today and took that time out of your intense life to focus on finding a new way to parent that works for you and your kids. To get the episodes as soon as they drop, make sure to subscribe to the podcast and please leave everything in review so other parents can find it too. Also, check out all the free resources on my website at familymoments .ca so you can take action on what's the most important for you right now. And take a deep breath, keep going, we're all in this together.