Bonus - What if it Was Not Bad Behavior Roundtable

Good morning, everyone. So we are, starting this round table about, what if it's not bad behavior. I'm pretty sure most of us here know already that it's not bad behavior, but it still is complicated to deal with. So this is what we will be addressing today. So I will, start by letting our speaker, our roundtable speaker introduce themselves, to yeah.

So I don't know who wants to to start. Is someone volunteering to start or do I pick someone? I will. Go on, Allison. Thank you.

My my name is Allison Livingston. I'm a mom of two, daughters who had ADHD as one as also dyslexic and struggled in school. And so that was one contributing factor, but we just had power struggle after power struggle, especially with my older daughter. So now I'm a parent coach and conflict mediation specialist just out of survival because we were having such intense family dynamics. And so now I support parents who are in equally intense family dynamics, be able to find that it doesn't have to be so hard.

It's not their fault. It's not their child's fault. And there are skills you can learn that make it so much better to have connection. So five steps to connect. Glad to be here.

Thank you. You want to go next, Afsaneh?

Hi, everyone. My name is Afsane Mouradian. I am a children's author, curriculum writer, and founder of MLC homeschool coaching. And I work with parents who are struggling to homeschool their unique kids. And I'm very happy to get to be here with all of you.

Thank you. Shaquina.

Good morning. I'm Shaquina Murad. I'm a speech pathologist. I work with children that have challenges with communication. And here I'm here today just to see how I can help support those parents that are trying to figure out, what some of those contributed factors to, these challenging behaviors might be.

Thank you. So I I will introduce myself too because my maybe not everyone will look at this video. That was me. I'm organizing the parenting the intensity retreat, which this, roundtable is a part of. We are starting a bit ahead of the official retreat that starts on the twenty fifth.

And we will be talking mostly about everything that creates conflict in our family and the idea of moving to more connection and better family, dynamic. Because when we have intense kids and often intense parents, it can be very challenging and a lot of conflict. So that's why this is the main focus this year. And we are starting with basically the first step. I would say, I think it's, like, often it it's seen as bad behaviors what our kids are doing.

And shifting that focus is, is probably the first thing to do, but it's very hard. And we have a big message from society that it is bad behavior. So standing up and believing really that's not the case is hard. So, this is what we are starting with. And registration opens officially today for the retreat.

So we'll put the the link in, in the comments and, the chat, and I encourage to participant to, to ask question if you have some question. We will, take time at the end to answer question if there is any. So, we'll start by basically the question of the day. If it's not bad behavior, then what can it be? So, if someone wants to start, go on.

I'll just jump on in, and we'll just see if we can keep a flow going because it's such an important topic. It's the foundation. And, Anouk, when you titled your summit this way, I was just like, oh, this is perfect. Because it's what so many parents, come to me with is fix my child. They're hitting, they're lying, they're they're not listening, they're not cooperating, all those things.

We can go on and on. And so I'm a very visual learner. I have, dyslexia myself and so I have my brain. And so, I always start by when our child is dysregulated, the Dan Siegel, they flip their lid. They they have nothing up here.

They're just reacting And it's coming from their limbic system. They've got cortisol. They've got adrenaline. They're not rational. And here we are, parents, trying to keep everything under control and calm in our rational headspace.

And so we just miss. And so, the other one I want to say is that it is true that when your child goes, no, I won't leave the park, your brain receives it as I'm under threat. And so this is true. So it's not ignore my heart's going fast. I'm feeling tense.

I wanna smack them. All those things are both true. And what's underneath is they're a hurting puppy. And actually, I'm a hurting puppy. So when I can soothe and regulate my nervous system, that's the first step because otherwise, we're just gonna yell at each other, direct our emotion at each other.

And I think that's the real thing underlying what bad behavior is. It's us directing our stuff and personalizing and just going getting like this instead of I'm hurting, you're hurting. Let's work together. Let's come alongside each other.

Mhmm. Yeah. And I will just answer that your presentation goes really deep in this topic. So if parents want to learn more, this is one of the our team puppies, I think is a very telling image. That's funny.

Because otherwise, we just get angry and frustrated, and that doesn't help. And we get stuck there.

Wanted to add something.

Yeah. Now, Allison, thank you for kicking that off. I think that was such a great, intro to the whole thing. And I think bad behavior you know, all behaviors communication. Right?

I think probably all the speakers of the entire retreat are going to talk about that. But when it comes to specifically those moments of parenting or homeschooling, you know, I specialize in homeschooling, and those moments when the child resists and says no and refuses to do that assignment or that activity, I think it's important to remember what bad behavior isn't, and it isn't personal, and it isn't about you, and our kids aren't saying, no. I'm challenging your authority, or I don't wanna learn. I don't care. I refuse to do this.

What they're saying is they have these needs that aren't being met and that that assignment is not the right assignment for them. And then it's actually it's really it is difficult for us because we get to figure out what needs are aren't being met, why isn't it the right thing, or what do they need instead. So, basically, that resistance that comes out is oftentimes maybe it's subtle and quiet or maybe it's very loud and explosive, but it's our kids saying, I can't do what you're asking me to do in the way you're asking me to do it in the moment that you're asking me to do it, and I need your help to make it possible for me to do this if you really want me to do it. So oftentimes, when it comes to learning, it just means that that assignment doesn't fit their learning and developmental needs, and they need something different. So it we can make it sound very simple, and of course it isn't.

Of course, it's actually quite complicated, which is why we're all here to help you and support you in so many various ways.

Yeah. If it was that simple, we would not need to exist. I wish it was that simple, but it was not. I I worked on it for ten years before it got better in my house. So I know I know it's not.

So and of course, Asany is talking about those situation in, homeschooling, perspective in our presentation in the event. Jacqueline?

Yes. I think that there's so many important things that's been bought up, and just overall, my wheelhouse, you know, the connection to communication. And I love that Allison presented a visual, and I just wanted to, share something similar. So oops. I don't know if we can see it, but, here we can see

I'll move.

Perfect. So here's the escalation cycle, and, I just want you to take a look at it, and we can see it's kind of hard for me to point things out with this camera.

You can't move.

No. I'll just yes. It's kinda hard to not to do that, but, in the escalation cycle, what what a lot of the speakers have already pointed to is just that trigger piece. Right? So what is kind of causing the child to have this meltdown?

And it can be, maybe they're rejecting the the activity or whatever the demand is in the moment. But from my perspective, what I see also is that sometimes children don't have the words to even reject. They don't have the words to communicate those feelings or those, differences. So what we often see is that as soon as a demand is put or as soon as a request is made, it seems like these explosive behaviors just come out of nowhere. And I think it's really important for us to kinda, become detectives for our children.

You know? We have to kinda take a step back and think about what was the trigger. Is it that they don't like this one? Is it that they're not ready to transition to another activity? Or is it just that this whole thing is not working for them, this whole situation, maybe the environment, maybe there's, something else that's triggering them as well?

So when we kinda take on this job of being a detective for our child, it it gives us insight into, no. It's not just a bad behavior. It is communication, and we go from a place of trying to just manage the behavior to actually trying to figure out and and support whatever that need is. So if they don't wanna transition to a different activity, what other options can we offer them? How could we make this how can we meet them where they are?

And as a speech pathologist, I think that's one of the biggest things that I try to communicate with parents. You know? We we have to try to figure out how to meet them where they are to be able to get them where we think they should be.

Yeah. Yeah. Definitely. That this is a very good point. And in your presentation, you you're going deeper on that, of course, and I like that you also brought that communication when a child is in that state of, like, intense, reaction, their communication scales lower too.

And I think it makes it it links to what Allison was thinking. Like, they're not in a thinking brain. So I think that's also an important thing to remember that even if your child is perfectly verbal, they have, communication issues in

Yes.

Moments like

that. Yeah. During those intense moments. And, you know, I I always like to present it to parents, in this light because it's so easy for us to just think that it's only our kids, you know? But it's, it's also us.

So in those moments where maybe you're having, a challenging situation, let's just stay with your child. And now your boss is emailing you, telling you to get something done. It's like mentally, you, you can't, you know, now jump into that next place that you need to be. So I think just kind of taking a step back and just thinking about it, like, not as a challenge. This is just they're just they're all people.

You know? We're we're all just trying to figure it out. And we all kind of go through similar emotions, but as we get older, we're able to, we're able to kind of soothe ourselves. Right? So we're able to kind of support ourselves and we know, okay, I need to take a break before I get into this next activity.

But But how do we teach that to our children as well? How do we teach them how to ask for breaks, in between transitions if that's what they need or to just say no? I think those are important things to consider.

Yeah. Yeah. And I think, like, yeah, it makes the go on, Allison. Oh, I was

just gonna say, I just love what you said because the the part of we know all these great strategies to do to stay calm, to take a break, to be a detective. I love what you brought in and Afsaneh as well about unmet needs. Because when we don't meet ourselves first, if we're dysregulated because we have unmet needs, because we're tired, we're trying to do too many things. We have all these expectations on ourselves. We have all these shoulds on ourselves.

And those so often go unaddressed. And and so that's a big, huge piece that I find working with parents is they just try to muscle through because they have this agenda and they wanna keep everything on schedule. And that's both valid that needs to happen. And we miss the emotion piece of taking that that time out, that break to do the emotional processing work of, I'm angry. I'm frustrated.

I don't feel seen. I don't feel I'm being seen as a human instead of just a widget in your master plan of our home. And so too often, kids just feel like they're being moved and shoulded instead of really seen, heard, and accepted, which are some of their core needs. So I love that you brought that up about unmet needs and meeting yourself and the child where they are instead of where they should be because that high expectations is what I work with really high achieving parents. And that's one of the main barriers because those high expectations and those shoulds create boundaries and armor as Brene Brown says.

And then we're not heart to heart, whole person to whole person where you're not meeting my expectations. And then they don't feel like they're being, recognized and seen. And so that's where the miss is often. So you brought up beautiful points.

The parents are not meeting their own expectation either most of the time, which makes it hard.

Yeah. So if we take that time outbreak to do the feeling yeah.

Go ahead.

I I'd like to add to the bit about detective work because I think I think that was a really, really, really important point that came up. And I think that we all like, we've been doing it since we had a baby because why are they crying? But what happens that's so interesting is as they get older, we we become wrong more often than not. And I I noticed it for myself as a parent because my kid would fall and I run to get the ice pack, and I would put it on their leg, and they'd say, but I bumped my head. But I but I saw you fall.

It was your leg. No. It was my head. Are you telling me where my pain is? And I think that that just keeps going because we are filling in the reason for the behavior, and I think sometimes we forget that we don't know because our kids, even though they're right there in front of us, they're having a completely different experience, totally different.

And especially if your child is neurodivergent, they're experiencing the world and processing information in their own unique way. So there's just no way that you know. So sometimes that fight over getting shoes on could be because the child didn't get to finish putting their crayons in order. And if they could just finish putting their crayons in order, then they wouldn't happily put their shoes on, and there doesn't have to be a whole thing. But we don't we don't know.

So you actually have to take the time to ask the questions, and then it does become very challenging. With with homeschooling, if it's learning, your our kids are not able to say, mom, I'm not able to do this assignment because I don't know how to put sentences together to form a paragraph, and this is asking me to write a three paragraph essay. So could you plea they don't know that. They don't know all the skills involved to be able to do the assignment. They look at it, and their anxiety starts and they just know they can't do it.

So there's a whole thing involved in asking those questions, staying calm, right, not having the emotional reaction to the resistance so that you can then start to ask the questions before it's always negotiating, right? Oh, endless negotiating, like was already said, that's the best advice, but we had to ask those questions to find out what are we negotiating about. And I feel like when we just fill in the blank, we decide what the problem is. Our kids react so badly because they don't feel seen and they don't feel heard. And we are deciding what they need and it's not what they need.

And then there's no space for them to say. So they just get really upset because they're they can't do it and then they're just not gonna do it and that's it. So there's all kinds of ways that I'm gonna start. I know all the other speakers have things to add. I just wanna say that what everyone here is laying out in the whole retreat is that you can actually parent and homeschool without power struggles.

That's I think that's really the the thing. And that and the goal, and it's possible for every single family no matter what the diagnosis is, no matter how bad it is. And that's the that's the goal to keep in mind.

Yeah. Totally agree. And what you're talking about on homeschooling applies to basically every skills and everything a child is we're asking them to do. So, Jacqueline, did you wanted to add something?

Yeah. I was gonna say, I think, you, you brought up such a great point about the negotiation piece. You know, I think sometimes in our head, we're just like, this is what needs to be done. And granted sometimes it is that way, you know, but in those moments where we can negotiate and it might not always be, from my perspective with a lot of children that I've worked with, I find that giving them options. So maybe two options is a big help because in that moment, again, their emotions are so high.

They might not be able to communicate and say, exactly what it is that they need. But if you can say, Hey, do you want to take a walk? Or do you want to, take a drink of water? Or even presenting visuals for those. All of those can be, helpful to kinda reduce the intensity in that moment and kinda, like, move through that, emotion.

Mhmm. Yeah. And I think you brought the second point that we want to address is, like, what what are your best suggestion to move away? So that was a great, one. Like, helping kids express what they're actually feeling, like, as Sunny was saying.

Like and and I've like, we hear a lot in positive parenting that we should name our kids feeling, but we might get it wrong. So then we are, like, negating their real experience. So giving them the option to express, is that it? And having that openness to say, it's an option. Is that?

Or it might be neither. It might be something else. Like, having that openness, I think, as as Sunny was saying, is really important. So other than that, do we do you have other any of you other suggestion to help reduce, the conflict? One, Allison.

The the part that I got so trapped in as a parent and trying to do it right and trying to have the best outcome because I was so outcome focused of having our life be managed well. We have to get to school. I mean, everybody has to do certain things. And I would just miss my own emotional part. And so even when I was trying to negotiate, I was up here in my head and I wasn't in my own emotional awareness.

And I certainly wasn't I was trying to talk them out of their feelings because they were slowing us down. And I felt like we didn't have time for it. And so that was one of the key things once I got past. And, and I love what you said. I've I've seen it.

Oh, I never got your name right. I'm sorry. That you said that there are, these places where we get stuck and and we just need to do the feeling aspect of it. And and that underneath a hard feeling is an unmet need. And that goes out the window when I'm late and I'm trying to and they're resisting.

Right? Those two pieces just send me into my, you know, I'm I'm not a good mom because I can't get them to do this. And then I'm down in my shame spiral. And and it's just an explosion of things happening quick, quick, quick. And so I love that piece of just if I'm upset, there's something that's been triggered in me.

If they're upset, there's something that's triggered in them. And otherwise, when I focus on their emotion without focusing on my own, and then we get all meshed and I take it personally, that's where I had the most trouble. And so even just being able to go, oh, and then the somatic awareness. Oh, my shoulders are tight. Oh, my jaw is tight.

Oh, I'm clenching my fists again. I can't breathe. Oh, I'm reacting. Okay. I need to do Mona Della hooks soothing of my vagal nerve because I can't get to that problem solving stage that, you know, that prefrontal cortex up here if I'm still back here having this flooded system of cortisol.

Oh, okay. I'm having a feeling. I'm feeling frustrated. I'm feeling tightness in my chest. Oh, I'm not seeing a child at all.

I'm not seeing myself as human. I'm just trying to get to the next step. And so it's validating where I am, meeting myself, as Shekinah said, so I can meet my child, who's also probably dysregulated and, like we said, becoming a detective. And I can't do that until I meet myself first and meet them in their completely bad behavior state. Oh, they're struggling.

Oh, they're a hurt puppy. Okay. Let's just take that time out. Can I have a hug? Can can we go jump up and down together?

Because I think there's a lot of frustration here. I know I'm feeling it. You know, like you said, what what are you feeling? And when we can take that moment, then the rest of the logical problem solving can happen. But I kept missing that step.

So that's the the big takeaway I got. You're mute.

Yeah. My daughter got it. I was like, might get loudy. Yeah. Focusing.

And that's why we have a day an entire day on helping parents stay calm because it's so key. Yeah.

Yeah. Stay calm and and and figure out when you can fit in your day the emotional processing. Because if you just keep jumping from one crisis blow up to another and don't slow down and go, oh, what was triggered in me? What do I need to soothe and heal? And just literally release the emotion that has been stuck in my body.

When I don't make space and and and build those skills, then I I can't. If I if I'm trying to be calm, I'm fake calm. And and that serves a purpose, but that's not the long term result we want.

Yeah. Did you wanted to add something else, Sunny?

Yeah. I think, in this is the shortcut. This is the you know, everyone's talking about all the work and the strategies and the big picture, and it's so valuable. But in the moment of just utter intensity, which, by the way, it just gets worse as they get older. It doesn't get bad because they get older and then they become quite obnoxious at the same time as they're resisting and they're just bigger humans.

And you can't pick them up and move them anymore. And I I wish I could, and I missed that. In those moments, just taking, you know, just taking a a a breath I'm not really, like, a breathing person. If you actually take a deep breath and you just say, I love you so much. Do you need a hug?

I love you so much. How can I help you? And just saying those words actually just helps you not react, not do the knee jerk. I can't take this, which is why we all feel on those moments. And for the child, it's this recognition that they are going through something.

Right? The the hurt puppy that Allison keeps talking about. And then as they get older, they're they wanna feel safe. They're testing, am I really safe in this relationship? So then responding with the yell, the threat, the whatever doesn't actually help them feel safe.

So going back to what what do we have? We have this love. This is the person I love the most in the world, my child. Just say, I love you. Are you okay?

Do you need a hug? Can I how can I help you? And that kind of changes the dynamic because they may be ready for a fight and then there's no fight. You're just there to help. So that's my that is the shortest cut.

That is, like, skipping over everything that everyone is gonna teach you and help you with, but, like, it help it really helps in the moment to just change your focus to what's going on.

Even if it's just to con remind yourself.

I I think, Upsana made a very, very, great point. And my takeaway was it from it was how we can model for our children. Right? So they're in this intense moment, but so are we. Or or we might be getting to that intense moment as well.

But sometimes just taking a step back and modeling, working through that difficulty. So, you know, taking that audible deep breath and, you know, the child may turn around like, like, what are you, what are you doing? You know? And now they might also feel this sense of, okay, things are different. Something has changed.

And when you start to lower your voice a little bit, talk a little bit in a slower pace, all of those things start to change the dynamic of the entire situation. And, again, you're modeling for your child as well when they are in this intense situation, things that they can do. So later on, you might hear them, you know, taking a deep breath or just verbalizing, like, I'm having a hard time or, you know, just things that they've heard you say in those moments. So, I think what as Afsaneh shared was very important, and I think it's something that we can use across the board, you know, just modeling what we would like our children to do.

Mhmm.

I love that. And one of the things that is my go to phrase, which also I love you, Asana. I'm so glad you brought that up. But it's not sticking with the problem solving. It's going and go and and admitting I'm I'm struggling too.

And something matters. Something matters to you. Being able to validate, they're not saying it in the most skillful way. They're not it's maybe not convenient. But something matters.

And so I have part of this summit retreat is the free giveaways. And it's a stop to connect. And and in the crisis moment, as Afsina said, is the most difficult time to remember to stop, to connect, to to do that I love you, to do that something matters. And it's the the critical shifting, as Anouk said, that we're trying to get to is instead of blaming and taking it personally and just sticking with we have to problem solve right now, it's shifting to, oh, let me get underneath to the feelings and needs layer. Let me become a detective.

Let me let me humanize. Let me yes. I'm frustrated, and I love you. It's two things are true at once. Yes.

Something matters, and we're late. Can we talk about this in the car? Yes. I'm upset. And can I just give myself a hug?

Like like Shaquina said, model. Model what we want them to do. And we need to do it for ourselves first. We matter. And our parents weren't able to do this for us.

So it's so challenging. We've got to fix the plane while we're flying the plane. Because so many parents didn't get the emotional regulation, didn't get validated. Oh, you're struggling. Oh, you're hurting.

That's okay. No. It was don't feel that way. And then I started doing that to my kids until I learned better. And so so much of it is is don't try to get out of the emotion.

It's validate, say the emotion, give the soothing, be in the body. And then, again, it is all hard to do in the moment. So, I say it's never too late to make a repair because this is really challenging to learn in the crisis moment. And we can always go back and own, hey, I was more frustrated and and less patient than I wish I had been. And that was my stuff.

I was activated. You were fine. You were being so normal. And and I'm sorry. I took my stuff out on you.

And that that vulnerability gets them the chance to be able to be real and vulnerable too.

Definitely. Yeah. And and having and, like, you having older kids, like, you you know like, they are able to see that too. Like, often, we we're scared that they will resent us, but as long as we're able to say I'm sorry, there is no reason for resentment. Like, my oldest just is going to turn 17, and it's this is, the, like, discussion we can have now.

And he's the one that I've learned to be a mother with a dense child with. So is it why I've been the worst parent with, basically? I lost my patient the more, and and he's able to say that it's okay. Like, you did your best, and, like, you're you're you're still doing it now. And, like, even if I didn't made any mistakes.

So it's not too late as you were saying. And even years later, if there's something like, I did this and I regret it, it's never too late to say I'm sorry about x, y, and z. It that's where resentment doesn't have space where we say I'm sorry, basically. And it's okay if it takes time to people to for like, forgive us, but it's it's when we cannot say I'm sorry and show it and truly believe it that things get more difficult for

sure. Yeah. Bernie Brown says that when we do that piece of acknowledging and and being less than perfect, which is, you know, a euphemism in parenting. There is no perfection. It's just human to human.

But so often, I was trying to pull myself up on this expectation level of doing it all right, whatever right is. And instead of being, hey, I'm learning this too. And as well as I'm sorry, it's owning my own emotions and owning my own unmet needs. Because when I can be raw and real and not this level of should, I should be a certain way, then that's a credible modeling and permission for them to be infallible humans that are doing their best. And we're all making this up as we go.

And and too often, we don't have the growth mindset. We expect ourselves to be, you know, good and excellent and right. And and that's not a great modeling for our kids. I have so much challenge making mistakes and especially in front of others because I learned, no, you need to have the right answer. You need to be getting an A and you need to be, you know, doing all this right.

And all that is I'm trying to unlearn now. Because that's that blocks the human connection I want with my kids. And letting them be that way too.

I listen honestly, thank you for your transparency, with with just sharing your own personal experience and how it transcends into parenting. Honestly, I feel like so many of us are kinda starting from that same starting point, me, myself included. I'm always, like, trying to figure out how to do it right, and I had to unlearn that. You know? I had to think about it's not about getting it right.

It's about how do we move through this in a productive way, you know, because it's so much more than that. It's about the experience. And I think the more we start to value experiences over, I would say, perfectionism, then we can have more of those connected moments, you know, because that's where that connection come is. You know, the ex the experiences that we share with each other. So, yeah, thank you so much for sharing that, Allison.

Asani, you wanted to add something?

Yeah. I was just gonna say that, the apology piece is such an important piece, but it's it's rooted in us seeing our children as people who deserve an apology. Right. And I think that's a major shift from it's very different than how I grew up and, you know, how my parents grew up. And so I think there's there needs and I I think it's happening more often than not, especially with unique kids.

There's, like, radical acceptance. Who is this child? Mhmm. This child is not going to conform to how you want it to be just because that's what you want. It's just never gonna happen.

So you either have to accept this kid for who they are, or there's gonna be a lot of pain and suffering in the process for both of you because the kid is gonna consistently say, this is who I am. These are my needs. This is what I need. And I think where it gets extra intense, I'd say, is with homeschooling. When we when parents bring into homeschooling their experience with schooling.

So when, for example, a math assignment, there's a lot of resistance. So many parents are like, yeah, nobody likes math. You just do it anyway. Right? That's the school experience.

Suck it up and get it done. Nobody cares how you feel. Nobody cares how you feel about taking the garbage out or washing dishes. You just gotta do it. Go do it.

That's what it means to be a lot. Right? Like, We're supposed to teach our kids how to function as adults. It's a totally different approach of, first of all, if you're homeschooling, why can't your child love everything that they're learning? And the added thing to it is they don't have a choice.

They aren't actually able to just get it done anyway. And so it requires the adult who's actually the one it feels like so like, I have no control. I can't get my child to do anything. They're the one in control. I have no control.

And it's the opposite. It's the adult creating this the context, creating the situation, setting the child up for success, or putting them in a very frustrating situation where all they can do is break down, meltdown, explode, whatever. So it's, it's just, it's all the backend stuff that we do to create the conditions for our kids to thrive or to resist. And I think, I know that's not what we're talking about today, but I would say equally with the apologizing piece goes the the validating and prevention piece. And I know that's a different topic and that's a different thing, but it is possible to prevent things getting to the heightened trigger spot too.

And

there's just it's just requires totally different approaches to thinking about this stuff, which I think I'm so I'm so glad to be here with the other speakers. I think everyone's laying that out so well.

Yeah. Definitely. And and this applies, I think, also like, in homeschooling, there is, of course, more control for parents of the school experience. But even if our kids are going to school, sometimes we can We don't have to take the pressure of the school into the house. Like, it's okay if they don't do any every assignment perfectly.

And even if that means lower grades, it's okay too. I mean, it's not and I I was lucky to have been raised in a family that was not focusing on those things at all. But even if, like, society is so much built that way that even if my in my house, it was not built, I still got that pressure. But it's like getting out of that and letting this pressure of school at school that there's enough there and not bringing it and not making it our own and putting that pressure on kids is also, like, a freedom we can have as parents. So even if we're not homeschooling.

And I've been doing I've done both in my kids' journey. Now we're just homeschooling, but there is, like, there's more freedom than we think and that we should take from school, I think, when we have kids that are not, functioning well with schoolwork. I think what you're saying applies even if kids are going to school too.

I I love that you brought that up because I live right outside Silicon Valley and it's one of the higher pressure cooker environments, I bet, everywhere, but especially in this area because the drive to succeed is so high. And so I'm constantly working with these high achieving parents or just normal parents. I mean, we're all whatever normal is. But it's, it's even if it it's name it because we can't get rid of it because that is just true. We are such a results focused world, and no one knows, you know, second place, whatever.

You gotta be first, you know, I'm like, this is a horrible pressure cooker environment. And so if we can when we can name it, as you said, in our homes and say, yes, that is true. That that is out there. There is a part of our brain that wants to compare ourselves to them the other people. And we can when we're aware of it, then it doesn't have our grip.

And, absolutely, I laughed so hard when you said no one cares how you feel when you're taking out the garbage because that is the environment we all I grew up in. And and I think that's still a big part of culture. And so when we can name it and be aware of it and put it on the table, then it loses its power. Because you're right. So many of us parents and also the kids feel powerless.

And that's when we feel scarcity, and that's when we get in that reactive state. And so when I can name, oh, I'm my scarcity powerless place. Man, that doesn't feel good, does it? It just shifts the whole tension in the room. And so anyway, I love that you said that.

Just I don't have any question in the chat, so we'll continue for a few minutes if you have anything else to add. But if there's question, just put them in the chat and we'll address them. So, was there anything yeah. Wanted to add something, Shaquena?

Yeah. Just something that came to my mind of from both Allison and Afsna when they were just explaining, about how from my perspective, I take it as we can make any environment or any situation a learning situation or a learning environment. And what I mean by that is in my head, let's say, as a speech pathologist, I might be working on the p sound with this child. Right? So I might come with my picture cards with all different words that start with a lot of p.

And I might get there and this child doesn't like to do cards. You know? They wanna play with their toys. So a lot of the time, some parents, they might say, oh, no. We have to put all of those things away.

Like, you need to sit down and do what your therapist is here to do. And they're often surprised when I'm like, oh, no. Let's let's do what they wanna do. You know? When I'm able to take up the child's lead.

And it doesn't mean that now we're not working on keys. It's just that now that we're as we're playing with what they wanna play for, I'm looking for all those toys that might start or end with p or might have our target sound in it. So I'm still working on what it is that I wanna work at work on. I still have my main goal in mind. Example, if we're working on following directions, I might throw that in there while they're playing.

Like, oh, let's see if you can put the yellow one in first and then put in the blue one. You know? But we're not sitting here with the worksheet working on, like, first this, then that. You know? So I just think it's very important sometimes for everyone to just take a step back and think, I I can do this.

You know? You can still reach the goal that you want by following the child's lead. And, honestly, you'll get way further because they're actually engaged. They actually are interested and want to be a part of what you're doing. So that's a piece of advice that I would love to give to parents.

Even in those intense moments, it doesn't have to only be what what you think the main goal is. How can you still accomplish your goal in the context of what the child is enjoying?

Yeah. That Definitely. Is there anything you wanted to add before we wrap up? Go ahead.

I would just say that that is exactly the approach to homeschooling. Exactly. So it's never, oh, my child's just not gonna learn math or it's it's never that they can't or that they're not. It's finding the way to make it work for them, and then you get the high level learning and the serious engagement. So I thank you so so much for laying that out because that it's just a different way of seeing things and not, I guess I guess that's just not gonna happen for my child.

Like, it's the opposite.

Mhmm. Yeah. Yeah. I love that bringing like, sometimes when we think about accommodating kids' needs, it's easy to to think. And I think parents often do that, like, future plan and think, my kids cannot talk right now.

They will never be able to. It's like, they're five. Let's take a breath. Things can change. And that's and and we all do that.

Like, kids do something and we think it's it's the end of the world and they will never be functioning like adults, whatever that means. But seeing that as, like, we can answer the needs while helping the child develop in their own way and their own speed, and they will get there at some point. And whatever, like, space of life it is, it applies as, like, homeschooling school and language and emotional learning and everything else. It it still applies that we can support them, and it's not accommodating doesn't mean they will never do something. And and sometimes, yes, sometimes that means they will not be able to do that specific thing, but we'll find another way to reach the main same goal, and we'll find ways to support that need.

But forget like, get letting go just because today is not working is not not the answer either. Yeah. Very true. Glad that you brought that.

I love that Marshall Rosenberg of nonviolent communication says you hold lightly to the need or to the strategies because those are the things that we'll conflict about. And those are the things that we that those expectations and hold tightly to the needs because we will never conflict as a family over needs. And that's such a beautiful reframe of that attachment. And I loved what you said, Shekinah. And also, just a big warm validation to the parents.

This is hard. So make sure to add that part into your whole, you know, modeling because it's not easy to have to accommodate, to have to negotiate, to have to figure all this out. And so just Yeah. It looks to parents too.

Okay to accommodate ourselves too. Yeah. Thank you. So where can parents find you if they wanna learn more? Wanna go we'll start with Allison, like the same order we did at the beginning.

Sure. So I have a website five, the number five, steps to connect Com because we wanna connect to these moments of conflict and power struggle, and it doesn't have to be so hard, and there is lots of hope.

Thank you. That's

for me. MLCcoaching.com is my website. And if you search MLC, coaching, you find me on Instagram and Facebook, or it's meridian.absence. My names are a little complicated, but my last name dot my first name on Instagram. But you can send me a a message, and I'll read it and respond or Yeah.

Check out the website, mlccoaching.com.

We'll make sure to put links in the everywhere this video will be posted so that people can reach you.

Hello. You can find me at immersetherapies.com or, a lot more active online. Try to post a lot of things on Instagram, immersed in speech, I m m e r s d d, in speech. And I like to post a lot of just helpful tips and strategies for parents to support, communication.

Great. Thank you very much. So if you wanna learn more from, everyone here and so many more speakers, you can register for the parenting the intensity retreat. So it's ParentingDientensity.ca/retreat. Also put the link.

I learned so much today. This was a wonderful conversation. Thank you all.

That's what I love with those events is, I get to listen to all the presentation, and I still learn so much each time. It's so great. Thank you very much for being here, and thank you for everyone who was here live. But, of course, the recording will be posted. So feel free to come, ask question, and you can, join the Facebook group also if you have questions for our speakers.

I think you're audio already there, but normally, everyone will evo eventually soon before the event starts. So thank you very much.

Thank you.

Bye bye.