Bonus - Staying Calm to Support Our Kids Roundtable

Welcome everyone, to this roundtable that's part of the Parenting the Intensity retreat, conflict edition. So, we will start by overview of the the the topic of today, but I'm guessing everyone will join as an idea of what the topic is. And then we'll go to we'll go around the virtual table to introduce everyone. And if you have any question, please feel free to put them in the chat. We'll start with, one or two question that we are that we came with, but then we will answer any question that come up, if there's any.

So the topic today is how to stay calm to support our kids. Staying calm is often one of the things that we struggle the most with as parents. Like I cannot say Albany, like, if you Google or go on Pinterest and check out the blogs about not yelling and and not losing control and, like, there's thousand and thousand thousand of them, and I'm sure many of you, like me, tried to, do that a lot. And I know it took me years before I understood really because most of those things around are not really helpful, and are just yeah. They are addressing the symptom more than the underlying reason why we are not able to stop healing and lose control.

So we will be talking about all that today as it's a big part of the solution, basically, when we're struggling with conflict and intense kids. And, we're, last year, I think every speaker of the retreat talked about self care as one of the key. So this is really part of of it, basically. So, we will go around. Everyone will we can introduce as someone wants to start, or do I pick someone to start the introduction?

Go on, Laura.

First. Yeah. I'll go down. Great. Hi, everyone.

So lovely to see everybody here. I'm Laurie Moser. I'm the founder of Staying Active Health and Wellness. I am a wellness coach for moms who have teens struggling with mental health challenges, and I help moms prioritize their own well-being. So they can show up with calm and confidence without out the burnout or guilt, and get that connection that they once had and want so desperately again with their teens.

Thank you. Which is, I think, most, helpful. And even if the target audience of the event is a little bit low, like, beginning maybe of teen years, they will be teens one day.

Yeah. It applies for all ages.

And I know lots of parents love to be prepared for that period. And it it's it's a valid, concern because it's easier to be prepared, honestly.

%.

Yeah. Who wants to go next?

I can go next. I was just about to chime in and say my kids are five and 10, but I already feel anxious about what's coming with the teenage years.

Especially age 10. You're almost there.

Right. We're on the cusp of that, like, preteen,

Yep.

Fierce independence and all of that. So, I'm Malia. I'm a homeschool mom and homeschool consultant and evaluator. I have a background in special education, and I'm a board certified behavior analyst. And so I strive to help all homeschool families who have high energy hands on learners, lean into their kids' unique learning style, their kids' unique needs, and, really play to strength in homeschooling so that they can have the most successful, homeschooling experience.

And part of that is connecting with our kids, and leaning into their interests. And so I think that's super aligned with the mission of this parenting retreat. So I'm really excited to be here.

Thank you. Jen? Yeah.

Thanks so much, Nick. It's really great to be here, with all of you. And so my name is Jen Lumanlan. I host the Your Parenting Mojo podcast, and it looks at academic research on parenting and child development. It's been downloaded almost 4,000,000 times, and I wrote the book Parenting Beyond Power, How to Use Connection and Collaboration to Transform Your Family and the World.

I also teach a workshop called taming your triggers, which helps parents to understand the real reasons why we feel triggered by our kids' behavior, which is so often linked to trauma that we have experienced in our childhoods that is recognized or has not been recognized and maybe even that we are still experiencing right now so that we can begin to heal those hearts and show up for our kids in a way that's actually aligned with our values.

Thank you. So I'll choose myself too because not maybe not everyone knows me. I'm the host of the event, but people are coming from all of your wonderful, world. So I'm Anouk. I'm a French Canadian and I, I have three what I call emotionally intense kids.

They are all neurodivergent. We're neurodivergent household. But emotionally intense apply to so many other kids, not just neurodivergent kids. I've worked with parents of all kind of kids with all kinds of special needs, including medical condition, and that can also can cause emotional intensity for different reasons, disabilities, any kind of like, there's many reason why kids can be emotionally intense, but all of that we're sharing applies. Well, no no matter reason.

Of course, there is some nuances, but there's always nuances because we're all human. Right? So yeah. So I've, I have a master in social work, and I've been working with parents of kids with all kind of different needs since seventeen years almost. Tomorrow, I will.

My son will be 17, and I basically started working with parents. He was a a baby. I stand in volunteering with other parents, and I never really stopped since. So it's been, yeah, a while already. I am definitely of teens too, so I know what that is.

And so, yeah, I'm hosting the Parenting to Intensity podcast that goes with the retreat. The name I'm I didn't look really far from the name. Right? So, so yeah. So I'm really glad to have you all here today.

So the first, first thing I think we need to address is our parents. The fact that parent can stay calm will impacts the kid's behavior or emotional reaction because I think that's why we often forget. We are trying to focus on the child, but often that's not the best answer. So, maybe we can go in the same order. Do you wanna start us, Laurie?

Yeah. Sure. I I love that way to start because I'll I thought I would use a note my own personal example of something that happened fairly recently because I I instead of telling you why it's important to remain calm, I always appreciate hearing someone's actual story of what they went through and how they used it. So a few probably

about

a month ago now, my 13 year old, who was bullied so badly last year in school, we had to switch schools. So, obviously, this has really affected her self esteem and self worth and how she sees herself. So as far as trying to parent her, she gets upset with us very, very easily, yells yells a lot, and shuts down. So about a month ago, we were having supper, and I don't even remember what the issue was about, so it seemed really minor to me. But for her, it was really upsetting.

Like, she, all of a sudden, was crying and almost doing that you know when they're so upset, they're hyperventilating sobbing, and they're not even getting any words out? So she was so upset. And this is when I learned the power of remaining calm because probably even six months ago, I would have said something like, I I would, first of all, had felt myself getting really upset because she was upset, and then I probably would have said something like, you're okay. This is okay. It's no big deal.

And all those statements are not validating and would have made her more upset. So this time, I just very calmly looked at her, and I looked at her with real empathy, which I think is really important to show our kids empathy. Like, she was so upset. So I just looked at her with real empathy, and all I said these are the only words I said. I said, I know you're really upset right now.

That was all I said. And she stopped the hyperventilating sobbing. She got up from the table and went into her room. And so she gave herself a time out, which I think is really important too. It's not me telling her she has to take a time out.

She obviously was old enough to realize that in that moment, that's what felt good for her. So she gave herself a time out, and she she was in there a couple hours, and I think that's another important thing. I know I think we all have to know our own kids, and I know with her when she's really upset. If I had gone into her room right away, that would have made her more upset. So I just let her decompress, and a few hours when she she came out, she was fine.

And I didn't bring it up. If she had brought it up again, we would have talked about it. But I never brought it up, and she she seemed fine. And I don't I still don't know exactly what made her so upset. I don't even know if she knows, but what I learned is that because I was I showed her empathy when she was really upset, and I remained calm.

So that's an example of no matter what kind of challenging no matter what age, what challenging parenting situation you're going through, how you show up really makes all the difference. Because if I had gotten upset or tried to or wasn't validating her emotions, she was up here. And if I had kept going up here, then we both would have been up here. So that was a huge reminder for me of, wow. This really does work when we remain calm.

It really helps to regulate our kids' nervous systems no matter how upset they are.

Thank you.

Laurie, that was really great. I really love how you use that strategy of of empathizing and naming that emotion, or that frustration for her and letting her take ownership of that without, taking away from it. Right? Trying to, deescalate it by Yeah. Saying it's not a big deal because it's it was clearly a big deal to her, which For sure.

Yeah. And all and all I

said was I know you're upset. Like, that was all I said too. So Yeah. Yeah.

So I'm trying to think of a good way to start for for me. And one thing that I think I've recognized as a homeschool mom is that I never recognized how many accommodations I was making for myself in the real world, before being home with my two kids who are both very high energy, neurodivergent. We have ADHD in our house, and we are always all everywhere. And I'll be honest, I never realized that it was something I personally struggled with until I was home with my kids all the time, and my systems were failing me. Right?

And so that was a really eye opening experience for me on on how just like the environment we're in is impacting our ability to stay calm. Right? Because it is super frustrating to have a plan and have systems in place, and then they all just kind of fizzle out because I think the words that I used to say was nobody is respecting my boundaries or, like, my rules. But, really, it was more of I had to do some self reflection and adjust my systems to meet everybody's needs. And I think as a as a behavior analyst, I come at staying calm and how that impacts my children's behavior in in a different kind of way and a a way to look at it.

Because as behavior analysts, we're trained to look at the behavior in three phases. So what's happening before the behavior, the antecedent, what the behavior actually is, like what the child is doing, and then what the consequence is. And a consequence isn't necessarily a bad thing. It could be a positive thing or a reinforcing thing. But I think that that's something that's always at the forefront of my mind when I'm looking at engaging with my kids or if I'm starting to feel frustrated.

I I have to take a look at, like, what what's happening before this that's escalating me, and how can we manipulate that before we reach that, emotional reaction. Right? So maybe it's taking a step back and and taking a breath, or maybe it's ensuring that if we have to get out the door at a certain time, I'm leaving enough time for myself to help my kids get through all the steps they need to get through to get out the door, putting on our shoes, getting our water bottles, doing all those things. But I've really had to take a step back and do more kind of self reflection as a parent of what I need to do for myself and for all of us to be successful so that we can remain calm. Because it can be really frustrating if you're, like, trying to get somewhere at a at a certain time point, and you don't leave yourself enough time, those executive functioning skills haven't been planned out well for you, that can really escalate things.

And then I noticed when I get escalated or anxious that we're not gonna get where we need to go, My kids also are getting escalated and ramped up, and it's it's just like this vicious cycle, right, of of our behavior bouncing off of each other rather than, taking time to do reflection and look at how we can change what's happening before we need to be somewhere or do something, so that we can make sure that we're kind of deescalating before it even even gets to that point.

Mhmm. Yeah. Definitely our part. Like, when we get deorganized, the kids get deorganized, really fast.

Yes. And I think, so often we think of it, like you were saying, as something that is child focused when really if we take a step back and and do some inner work for ourselves, then we might identify that what what's really setting us off is how we are engaging in the environment, not how our kids are.

Mhmm. Okay.

Yeah. I'd love to tie those ideas together. That's that was really cool to hear. And so I guess the way that I would think about this is through a story, because I agree. Stories are a really awful way of of learning new ideas.

It's a story I tell in my book, and, I started working with this parent, Maria. And every day, she's having a struggle with her. I think the kid was, like, five at the time. The kid was refusing to get dressed in the morning to get ready to go to school. And so every morning, they're in this get dressed.

No. Get dressed. No. With increasing increasing volume. And so, so Maria's telling me about this.

I said, well, did you ever ask her why she doesn't wanna get dressed? Dressed? Oh, no. I didn't. Okay.

So so let's ask her why she doesn't wanna get dressed. And so one day, Maria asks, and the kid says, because I like knowing that you were the last person to touch my clothes in the morning before I go to school. Right? And so the the framework that I use in my work is to understand what need is the child trying to meet by doing this thing that's driving us up the wall. Right?

So in this case, it's obviously a need for connection. Feel connected to you before we're separated for the day. And, of course, the parent is happy to meet that need. And then the parents get need needs get met as well. Right?

The ease, the peace, the harmony, the collaboration, the responsibility to coworkers, you're actually able to get out the door. And so so both people's needs get met in the relationship. And, you know, I when I heard Laurie talking, what I heard was in that moment, your kid needed to be heard. Right? That was all that was all they needed.

Didn't need you to fix the situation at all. Once their need to be heard was met, it felt better. And sometimes I experienced that too. Right? Like, I don't want my husband to fix the situation I'm having.

I just want him to hear. This was hard for me. So, and I think that that sort of also fits with what what Melia was saying around, you know, what's happening before? What's leading up to this situation? Is it that it's only happening on school days, and maybe there's something that about the school that's challenging for the child, and they're digging their heels in saying I'm not getting dressed because it postpones that moment when they go to school?

Or if it's happening on other days, maybe it's a sensory issue. And so looking at the school is not gonna help us understand, why the child is resisting. So when we start looking for these patterns, we start understanding what need is the child trying to meet, and also what need am I trying to meet by asking them to do this thing? Is there any way I can come towards them and make fewer demands requests of them so that then we can be in a relationship where everybody's needs are met more often?

Yeah. Definitely. I think that's like we all addressed basically the underlying, like, why is it so important because there is, like, it was the that feeling of we are participating in the dynamic. And I can say that for me, like, all that, this year especially about conflict connection. Like, it's coming from my own experience as having a lot of conflict with my older kids, especially the ones that are teens.

The older one is, like and with the ADHD, there is that, like, I'm bored. I will get in conflict with you just so I'm not bored anymore. So so so, like, it's not conscious. It's not the decision, but it's like, I need that dopamine hit. Can you just Yes.

Or I wanna connect with you.

Yeah.

And I don't know how else to engage you. And if I ask you

you to play, you're gonna say no. But if I hit

you, then you're gonna tense.

To engage. Exactly. And I can yeah. And, like, even just, like, when my youngest got in first grade, she was so upset at the end of the day because it was very intense for her. She was doing things that was clearly to make me upset just so that I would like, it would help her release that emotion just that I would be mad, for example.

Like, it was so obvious that I was like, I'm not it's just it's funny. It's not even not even mad because it's just it's so big, and it's so obvious that's what you're trying to do. Like, I won't get mad, but they need that sometimes. It's it's not a decision, but they still need that connection or that reaction in some way. And often, it's like they they're doing it on purpose, and they are, like, triggering me, and they are pushing my buttons.

And it's like, yes and no. Yes. Because they need something from us. But it's not really on purpose because it's not, I am going to make my mom mad. That way, I'm gonna get that connection.

No kids is really, like, thinking of it that way, but, yeah, it still is very interesting to see that reaction. Did you add something to add on that?

Well, that made me just think of in my house even just like a hyperfocus moment. So it's not necessarily that I'm doing these things to push your buttons, but I'm asking repetitively because my brain can't stop thinking about going outside to play football. Even though I know I have to do these other things first, it's just like my brain needs confirmation of when exactly that's gonna happen so that I can turn that off and move on and do what I need to do, if that makes sense.

Mhmm.

Thinking about my 10 year old in in in particular, when he gets an idea in his mind, he can't turn that idea off, and it's sometimes perceived as, pushing buttons or, you know, not listening or being rude. But, really, it's just that his brain needs confirmation of when he's gonna be able to do that so that he can turn it off and move on.

Mhmm. Yeah. And finding why why we are triggered makes also a big difference for sure, you are all saying. And sometimes, like, I know when I'm angry, I will get triggered very easily and lose patience. It doesn't have to be complicated.

But Yes. Definitely.

Is a big trigger for me too, and my whole family knows it now. So they are they're like, oh, mom's hungry. Don't talk to her.

And I think that's a good segue. Like, well, let's talk about how can we stay calm because that's the thing. Like, I I think the worst recommendation is, like, just stay calm. Yeah. Thank you very much, but that's not an answer to the problem.

Like, I've told myself that a million times. It didn't make any difference. Now how do we release the call? And I think that's one of the way. It's like, this is just a basic need.

Am I thirsty? Am I hungry? Like, this is easy to remedy. Like, if I'm tired, it might be harder to remedy on the moment because I cannot probably go take a nap just right now. But I can eat something and I can drink something ideally.

So that's one of the the thing that we we often forget to just drink and eat as parents. But do you have any and we don't need to go in the same order, but do you have any other ways to help parents stay calmer, in the moments, but also, I'm guessing, we will address more prevention also. Flushing. Go ahead.

I'll I'll I'll share one more

One.

Quick story just because it's what I'm going through right now, and I know a lot of parents mention it with kids having problems with like, you know, when they're younger kids, older, it's different reasons, but it's still an issue with getting them out the door in the morning. And my 13 year old now, I never had this issue with any of my other kids. So I think also, again, that work starts with us as parents recognizing that, okay, even though I never had this issue with any of my other three three kids, they're each unique human beings, so every kid has different issues. We're gonna have to parent them in different ways. So I think recognizing that for me, and then also in understanding, okay, probably one of the reasons it's really hard for her to get up for school.

Last year school was such a bad experience. I think that initially when she gets up, she doesn't wanna go to school. It's a lot nicer to stay in bed. So we we've tried lots of the things by, trying to get her an alarm, turn on the light, and all of that actually makes her more upset. So then it was not in that moment, but thinking, okay.

What can we do that's not making it worse? So what I've realized now that I have to go in about four or five times in order to wake her up. And then she does, and it works. So for me as a parent, and, again, it's in how I am responding. When I first started doing this, I was upset.

Right? By the fourth time of going in, I'm getting upset, and then she's upset. And then by the time we're both in the car leaving for school, we're both upset. Right? I'm tired and upset from having to go in four or five times.

She's not starting her day off grade, which I don't want. So now and, really, this is new. Just in about the last three weeks, I've accepted that this is the way it is right now. I'm sure it won't be this way forever. But for this for right now, this is how it is.

And when I've accepted that, I'm gonna have to go in four or five times. I'm calm about it. It's just the way it is. She's actually getting up. Even though it still takes up four or five times, when she wakes up, she's not cranky.

She's not in a bad mood. I'm calm because I've accepted that this is the way it is, and then she starts her day feeling much more calm because I'm not upset with her. So that's, again, how does how how we show up. So I think in doing that self awareness work of realizing, okay. Why why is this making me so upset as a parent, and what can I do to, make it better?

Right?

Yeah. And I think this is a very important point that we expect kids to get up when we ask. Yeah. This is kind of the social expectation. Yeah.

But it's just not possible for her right now. And when we let go of that expectation, it's so helpful for everyone to let go of what should be and just follow what is needed right now, like Jenna was saying, the need of everyone. Like, you need her to go to school and be on time, and she needs a bit more care right now to get up so that everyone needs is and assert in that in that way of doing things. And it's not the good way to do things with big, like, quotes or people who are listening and not looking. It's just we don't care.

It's the right way for for you right now. That's what's important. I think that's very, very good point. Yeah.

And and I really like what you said when I finally accepted that thinking that it should be this way. Right? Because my other three got up with their alarm that she should too.

That

that's what really changed everything.

Yeah. Yeah. Definitely.

Yeah. I think that's a really hard thing, Lori, what you just said with siblings in particular. What works for one is maybe not gonna work for the other and most certainly probably won't if we're being honest. Right? Everyone has their own unique needs, and the way that they work best.

And so that's something that I share with parents that I coach for homeschooling support. Right? It it aligns with our learning styles, and every learning style has its own unique needs. And it might not be that every kid in your family has the same learning style, and so you have to work around that in that space. But it's the same with with parenting and giving directions, and, it makes me think about how I can't give a direction maybe from the kitchen while my kids are engaging in something they love to do and expect them to hear me and follow through on the first time.

Because honest if we're being honest, they probably didn't even hear me. They probably heard, like, the Charlie Brown, oh, mom's talking again. But I I'm, like, so excited about what I'm doing. I'm not totally engaged. And I think as parents, that can be super frustrating when we're trying to you know, if we're thinking about, like, making dinner and trying to get the kids to clean up and get their hands washed and get to the dinner table, We might be multitasking where we're making dinner and we're trying to also have them do what they need to do to get ready.

But what can sometimes work better is to walk away from what we're doing, go go into our kids' space so they know that we're there, so that we're making that connection and then give that direction. And I think taking that five, ten seconds to walk away and and meet our kids and connect with them and give a direction can make a huge difference in a frustration level in in a transition like that. So things like that are things to think about. And then also when what you were saying about our our needs being fed, being, if we're thirsty, taking a drink, all of those things. I think there's an environmental component to that as well because I know that I am very triggered when our house is, like, overly messy or feels cluttered.

For me, it's harder to remain calm when when everything around me feels chaotic versus when the house is clean and I'm just, you know, having a conversation with a child who's upset. Like, it's easier for me to maintain my calm there, than when I'm feeling like, oh my gosh. We're dealing with this tantrum over math, but I can't even think about that because I'm so overwhelmed by what's happening around me. And so I think doing some reflection on that and creating systems in our lives that can kind of help us to move past that or not have those situations arise where we get so overwhelmed by our environmental stimuli, that we can't remain calm for our kids. I think so often that when when I'm having emotional reactions, it's it's it has nothing to do with my kids and the reaction they're having, and it has everything to do with internal things.

How like you were saying, those, like, personal needs, but also the space around us. And it makes me think of, for two years, we had a dog in our house, very high energy, extra crazy, bouncing off the wall, always barking dog. And we no longer have that dog in our house. And I never realized how much of a trigger he was for not only me and my husband, but for my kids. Just the whole dynamic of having that dog who we loved in our home was so different from when he was not in our home.

And so it's really interesting to think about how one one thing that's seemingly small and and, quote, unquote, normal, right, for for a family to have can be such a trigger and totally disrupt your lives.

Yeah. Definitely. The environment has a big impact. We experienced that dog thing too. I always said our dog had ADHD.

Yes. She's she's not living with my parents in a place where she can run around as much as she can hours and hours on end. And it's a much better and calmer dog because her ADHD needs our meds.

It's really it's really, interesting to I had not noticed or had I hadn't thought or attributed it as much to the dog until he was no longer in our home. And then I was like, oh my goodness. He brought a lot of conflict, whether he intended to or not. And in just and breaking up our routine and rhythm too. It would be like we would sit down and then someone would walk by the house and we would all get distracted because the dog was losing his mind, you know?

So

And you get triggered by the noise then.

Yes. Everybody gets triggered by the noise and there's yelling because of the dog and, you know, it's just a mess. So I think that there's that piece too that we often forget about because they're, again, normal parts of our life to have a pet is totally normal. But you don't think about the impact of of the environment Mhmm. In that way.

I can highly recommend Goldfish.

No trigger at all.

Yes. Yeah. So I think the the piece that I'll kind of layer over the sort of what's happening in this moment is where is this stuff coming from? Right? In that moment when I'm triggered by my kid's behavior, why is that such a big deal for me?

And going back to the story that I told the first time around, with the parent who is struggling every day to get their kid dressed. Right? Why is this such a big deal that a kid not getting dressed is causing this parent to show up in a taming your triggers workshop to find out why this is so triggering. Right? And so where it ended up coming from for that parent in particular, right, she's the oldest of five siblings, parents emotionally very disengaged, navigating all of their own stuff.

Right? Very difficult relationship. And, and and it's it's this parent's responsibility, right, when she was the oldest of five to get all the other kids out the door in the morning, to get five kids breakfasted and teeth brushed and everything they need for school. And so when her one child is refusing to get dressed, there's this intense, like, you know, this this war going on in her head of, I want you to have your needs met and to be able to express how you're feeling and to be raised differently than the way I was was raised, but I could never have done that. I wanted that support too.

Right? I wanted someone to come and help me get dressed and to nurture me and cherish me and care for me, and nobody ever did that for me. And so in those moments when we want something for our kids that we didn't get ourselves, identifying those are the moments when when that that war happens inside our heads, and it's too much for us to cope with when we haven't eaten in too long and when we need to pee, when we haven't taken care of ourselves, And we get pushed outside our window of tolerance, and we explode. And so I think we have to work on the the ways of making today easier for us to cope with, and we also have to understand where where, you know, where did this come from? Why is this a big deal for me?

Make sense of that. And then we go through what I call a noncognitive shift where it's not just right. Anuki said, you know, I know what to do. I I've read it 3,000,000 times. I've seen all the memes.

I know up here what I'm supposed to do. I'm supposed to stay calm. And to it it's it a noncognitive shift is where you're not thinking about it anymore. You're not having to remind yourself. Yes.

I have to stay calm. Stay calm. Stay calm. It's just that you are calm. There because there's something that's happened in your body, not just in your brain, that your body is now able to stay calm.

Yeah.

And then the next thing parents always wanna know is, well, how do I make that happen? And I have yet to find a recipe, but I will say the most successful people I see doing this are the people who who learn where their triggers come from and who process that knowledge in community with others. And then somebody else will say, oh, yeah. This is true for me as well. And then the first person will be like, oh, I had never thought about it in that way.

And yes. And then you start to understand yourself in ways that you hadn't understood yourself before, and then you don't feel triggered as often.

Yeah. I that this is a very quite, like, good point that often we can pinpoint. Like, the we we will be triggered by things that are seemingly not the most important things our kids are doing, which makes sense.

And then we're like, why am I even triggered by this?

Exactly. Why is that anything for me?

Spiraling. Why can't I fix this? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. But I would say, like, exactly what you were saying, at some point, it gets to, staying calm even when we're not trying. And I like, this is the point where we wanna reach, and it's not always possible, but I would like, it took me years. But I'm at this point where now most of the time when I'm not angry, I'm able to stay calm and I don't have to think about it.

Because when we think about it, it's not working. Because when we're thinking about it, it's already too late. We're not calm anymore. But for me, it was a lot of mindfulness exercise that I'm doing, like, throughout the day, throughout, and some days I'm not doing it because life is life. But, like, I'm doing yoga.

I tried to do yoga daily even if it's just two minutes. And I use photography as a mindfulness tool, and, like, breathing. And just yoga helped me learn to breathe because just meditation as a spinning mind was not cutting it for me. But in yoga, I learned to breathe, and now I'm able to realize that I'm not breathing when I'm not breathing because we stop breathing sometimes. So there's those things that are like it it it's doing that, and it's taking those small moments of, like, I'm gonna drink my tea warm at least for three sips, and then probably end up in the microwave three times.

But at least those three ones, I'm enjoying right now. And all those those and Laurie's presentation goes in many suggestion on on those, ideas of how to take care of ourself. And, like, this is the the foundation I found to staying calm. It's like if we don't do those things on the daily or almost daily basis, it won't work. Like, we won't be able to stay calm when we need to stay calm.

And it needs like, it it it's building all those things together, like, the trigger finding the trigger and building the foundation of that. Like, I used to I love to use, like, a glass of water when we we our glass of water is full. Every little trigger will spill the water. But if we can get it down a little by taking care of ourself in some ways, then it's easier. And it's hard to take care of ourself when we have intense kids, when we're homeschooling, and we're almost all the time with our kids, when we are of a lot of demands, when we're working, when we're.

It's hard. And often, I think the message is way too difficult for those, like, about self care. It's like all of those hours of spa and going to our for jogging every day for forty five minutes. I'm like, I don't have the time to do that. Never doing that.

It's not happening. But there are small things that we can do. And for me, it was the answer, honestly, to being able to just take on without thinking about it, like you're saying. Is there anything else any other suggestion that you have about, like, how to and it it can be also, like, in the moment when things are triggering. Do you have any ways to, like, stop yourself being triggered when you are?

Go on, Jen.

Yeah. I I work with parents who come up with and suggest to each other a whole variety of ways. One of the ways that folks have found really helpful is keeping a hair tie on one wrist to remind you of your intention and how you want to show up in a difficult moment with your kids. And then when you notice, right, not not, just in your brain, but when when you notice in your body, right, your shoulders are getting tight, your chest is getting tight, your throat is getting tight, your head, whatever your physical thing is for you, when you start to notice that sign, transfer the hair tie off one hand and onto the other hand. And what that does is it it's gonna take you a couple seconds.

Right? And in those couple of seconds, you can pause. You can breathe. You can set the intention for how you want to show up in this particular interaction with your kids. So anything that you can do to create that pause between your kid doing this thing and you reacting to the thing is going to help you to, to to show up in a way that you can hear them, Right?

In a way that you can validate them, that you can acknowledge they are struggling too. And, and also acknowledge that you are struggling, and you have needs that you want to get met, and come at it from that place, which is a very different place from you need to change your behavior. You need to stop doing this thing so that we can get out the door on time. You are the one who's responsible for making all the change. Because when we come at it collaboratively, then our child is much more likely to be willing to come along with us than they are if we are forcing them to do something differently.

I much prefer that version. I saw that elastic version, but it was, like, if you're me getting mad, you'd, like, you urge yourself basically with the elastic. It was like, what in the world? What's the idea with that? Like, it's a behavioral, negative thing.

Like, why in the world

would be terrible.

I've seen that one. I was like, I hope that's not where she going. No. Much prefer for your version. Terrified.

I would have been surprised coming from you. But Yes. This is like, I love the idea that is a physical it's it's a physical way to take that pause, which is often hard to just take the pause in a moment. I think that, like, just the movement of to make us take that pause is very Yeah. Interesting.

And it, of course, can be anything, but Yeah. This is the

That's just one example of that. Yeah. Just standing up can be helpful. Right? If your your kid is hitting you and your your body's low down and you know that they're gonna explode if you leave the room, just stand up.

Look around. Look for all the purple things in the room. Look and count a certain, you know, certain type of things in the room. Anything you can do to get yourself out of, this is really hard. I can't cope.

I'm a terrible parent. To I'm here in this moment, and I can cope in this moment is gonna help you to show up with your kids the way you want. Yeah.

Yeah. This is the go on.

I love those suggestions. I think for me, I'm I'm in line with the the deep breathing. Right? Or it visualizing a shape while I'm breathing to kind of refocus myself. But I'm also a a a yoga lover.

So it's all in line, right, and intertwined in that practice as well. And for me, that's that's been one that I can model for my kids that they can utilize on their own as well, which has been really cool to see happen, where my kids will pause when they get frustrated. And instead of exploding, they're starting to do those things that I'm modeling for them. So that's another really, rewarding piece of of putting these things into practice because then they start to transfer, to our kids.

This is a very, good point that making like, what it's not just that when we're staying calm, we're helping them stay calm. We are also, showing them how, teaching them how in the most helpful way because telling people how to stay calm is useless. But showing them how we can stay calm is, like and and I agree. Like, when you see your child taking deep breath in front of you instead of losing it, it's like, yeah. It's working.

And it's not necessarily going to be, like, that first time that you do it, they will do it. It takes a lot of repetition. But, yeah, it is

really cool. That and also that ability to start naming how they're feeling, I think the more frequently we're modeling that for them, the more they're able to kind of understand, oh, when this happens in my body, this is how I'm feeling. And now I can explain that to someone else who might not understand why I'm getting upset. But, like, I know frustration is a big one in our house, and and that's often when we hit that higher side and that highly emotional reaction, whether it's with, you know, trying to do something for fun and and it's not working out or a school problem, through our homeschooling frustration is the one that comes up the most in our house, and that really sets sets us off. So being able to identify that now and say I'm frustrated, and and then we can have a a more calm conversation about when we feel frustrated, we can do this or we can choose this, and they're both positive things.

Right? Like, we can step away from what we're working on and take a five minute break, or we can sit here and do some deep breathing and try again. Which one feels right in this moment for you? I think that's been a really helpful thing for our our family to to be able to kind of work through that together. And I think that might be, you know, a a pro to that homeschooling piece where we're we're present all day together working through these things, where if our kids are leaving the house, they're maybe not getting the same consistent thing over and over again because they're with other, other adults and other people modeling different things.

But, I think the more we can be consistent in what we're sharing with our kids and how we're showing up and modeling these things, the the easier it is for them to start to do that as well.

Mhmm. But they also like, my my youngest started doing that because they were doing it at daycare. So, like, I think she picked she she picked it up younger than I would have thought of really showing. She was not two yet, and she started doing it. And I was like, I would not have thought that a two year old could do that by herself.

So I started to do it more. But, yeah, I think it's very, interesting way to, to look at it. And then there was in the chat because people in the replay won't be able to see the chat that it's an interesting, the the snapping. The elastic on the wristband might be coming from, method using for people to reduce self harm or addiction also. And it's it's different, definitely.

A different use because you're trying to do something to and in some way, yeah. Like, it's is it worse to do that than yelling at your kids? But also doing something like that can deregulate your nervous system because you're earthing yourself. So it's not necessarily the best idea because it can make you more disregulated and so not helpful in the moment. Is it helpful in those other situation?

Might because it's another purpose? But I

was gonna say that as a behavior analyst, that's coming in as a replacement behavior. Right? Like, a more socially appropriate behavior from that behavior that you were, Yeah. Engaging in before. And so I could see that pairing together, but then I think you would also wanna start working on how you can fade that out into something that's even more you know, continue to fade that out and down into that piece where you're switching from one hand to the other.

But I can see how that would meet a need from for someone who is engaging in in more of a a self harm type of behavior, and become a replacement. Yeah.

Yeah. Like, eating candy instead of smoking could also be not the best for your health, but not as bad. So it's a but, eventually, you wanna Right.

Right. Yeah. In some way. You wanna fade that out.

Yeah. Yeah. But yeah. Yeah. That is the the suggestion to tap the a point, of EFT tapping or, acupuncture point in your wrist instead of strapping and elastic is also a good idea.

This is another great example that I commented the chat. So, yeah, there is definitely other option. It's not because it's on Pinterest that it's gone. We need to use our critical mind here, critical thinking for sure. Was there anything else you wanted to, add, or is there any question?

I don't think I didn't saw really question but was there anything you wanted to add before we close and do a little round of before we close, we will all share a little bit, of where we can you can find every of the participant or the panelist. But, before we wrap up, is there anything you wanted to share that we didn't?

I'll I'll just add one more thing really, quick but because my whole part of working with moms, the three tools that I teach them for prioritizing their own care, breathing exercises, journaling, and movement. But what I have found that even though I know all these coping tools, I know how good they are, I know how beneficial they are, if I am exhausted so meaning if I'm not meeting my basic needs, I'm not getting enough sleep. I and this is constant. Like, we all have nights where we're not sleeping well. But if this is a constant thing where I'm not meeting my basic sleep needs, sleep especially, I think that's the key pillar for health is sleep.

So if I'm not getting enough sleep, I'm not eating well, I'm not getting five, ten minutes of sunshine in every day. Even the best coping tools, and I use them all every day, even though I my brain knows how well these all work. If I'm not eating my basic needs, those don't really make that much of a difference. So I would say to really start with asking if you're constantly feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, triggered, upset with your kids, ask yourself, are you meeting are you meeting your most basic needs? Like, what is your eating like?

Are you getting enough sleep? Because if you're not meeting those, breathing, exercise like, all those things are great. That's what I teach, but that won't really help if you're not meeting your basic needs. So it's kinda like a Band Aid solution if those basic needs aren't being met.

That's for sure.

Start start there.

The same for our kids. Right?

A %. Yeah.

Yeah. Did you add anything else to share before we wrap things up?

It's reminding me of a couple of metaphors. The window of tolerance is one, right, where we're we're trying to operate within our window of tolerance, and sometimes we get pushed outside of it. Other people call it a body budget, and how is my body budget today? Is it is it high? Is is it more, constricted, restrained?

And I guess that, you know, what I would link it back to is the idea that, this is this is not about our kids' behavior. Right? It seems like it's about our kids' behavior. And if we could just get our kid to stop doing this thing that's driving us up the wall, then things will be better. And, actually, so much of it is about us and how we're showing up.

And that doesn't mean it's our fault in some way, but it is our responsibility. We are the ones who are better placed to be able to address that. And so working to understand where it came from and to widen our window of tolerance by taking care of ourselves, by meeting our basic needs on a more regular basis in a culture that says we should take care of everybody else first and not have any basic needs ourselves, is is really important, I think, to, to to heal, to be able to show up as whole people.

Yes. Definitely. And I love that you nuance the fact that it's not parents' fault, but we have some power, more power than we think. And the power is not to change the child because we've tried that and it's not working. But we have the power to change ourself.

It's much more easy in fact to work on ourselves than to work on our kids, but that's not to say As hard

as it seems, it's easier. It's easier.

It's hard. It's still very hard, but it is easier because we have more control on ourselves than we have on our kids. So, yeah. But it's, it's still is not anybody's fault though. So I think like that's important nuance.

Yeah. I love what Lori said about basic needs and what Jen just said about that body budget. And I've also think I've heard it, like, how many spoons do you have? Like, I only have so many spoons for the day. And I think one practice that I also put in into play for myself that has been really helpful is identifying what the priorities are that that must be met and then just letting myself push the the rest to to tomorrow or the next day.

Yeah. And and I've had to even so that I can see it all. I put it all in my Google Calendar as a full day activity, and then I just move it. If it doesn't get done, it doesn't get done. It doesn't stress me out, but I know that that the priorities I have on Mondays are to do certain tasks, like one specific tour every Monday.

And then even if I don't get beyond that, I know that that one thing has been taken care of. And, you know, for homeschooling, it's, you know, one or two subjects that are everyday subjects. And if the rest, it's just sprinkles. It's just extra fluff, and it it can move on. But if we get those other two things done, then we're building that foundation in our homeschooling, and it's okay.

We're not we're not behind. Right? We're still progressing. And so changing the mind that, of how we're looking at things and rather than trying to keep up with, you know, especially with social media. I feel like it there's so many, so many people putting things on social media, making us feel like we're we're never doing enough.

And I think that that we just have to decide what's enough for us personally and and come to terms with that and be good with that and feel confident about it. And and that's not an easy task in in this modern life where everything is so fast paced and everything is visible and out there for us. But I think that practice has helped me and my emotions tremendously, just deciding what what the priorities are and and leaning into those, and letting everything else just be extra.

Yeah. And having a realistic list of priority. Not everything can be a priority. Right. That's that's very important.

Thank you very much. So, be glad to have you, that you've been here today. Can you just let people know where they can find you, if they wanna know more? Jen and Laurie, both presentation and the retreat. Malia will be in another roundtable about burnout.

And so, yeah, if you wanna let us know where people can find you. Laurie, do you wanna start? We'll

Sure. I have a website, stayingactive.ca, at Instagram, stayingactive. Laurie, and I have my private Facebook group, called moms supporting teen mental health together. So that's those are three places you can find me.

Great. The link for your website will be, with the the presentation. K. And you can find everything else next to your like, it will be with the the replay today. We'll put one link, but with the presentation, there's Okay.

Every other information. Yeah.

I can go next. You can find me at my website, maliafelpswaller.com. And then I'm on Facebook and Instagram at malia phhelpswaller homeschool. And I also have a, Facebook group called Make Learning More Fun, the Play to Learn Way, where we dive into to learning styles and talk about all things homeschooling and playing to our children's strengths.

I'll put a link for a free resource, I think, of Malia in the the replay of today because she doesn't have her space as a speaker for a free resource. So if you're interested, you can look up the link that we'll put we put in the the replay everywhere. This where is the replay? Jen.

Yeah. You can find all of my work at yourparentingmojo.com, the podcast, the book, everything is there. And if you have been hearing us talk about needs today and thinking, I've I see that my child is trying to communicate something through their behavior, and I have absolutely no idea what it is. There's a quiz at your parenting mojo Com forward slash quiz that will help you to understand in 10 super easy questions what is likely to be your child's most important need. When you meet that more often, they push, they resist less often, and then you feel triggered less often.

So that's at your parentingmojo.com forward slash quiz.

Thank you. And so if you wanna join us for, the retreat, if you're not already registered, the the there there will be other round table that will be only accessible this time for people that are registered for the next one plus all the presentations. There's three presentation. So there's a lot of content. Of course, we don't recommend to do at all.

You choose what works and what you need right now, in the moment. And if you wanna keep them, there's also an option to, buy the deep connection pass that allows for ongoing access to the presentation plus some bonuses from most of our speakers. So the all the link to register and to reach, our panelists today will be, anywhere. The this is going to be, shared. So on YouTube, Facebook, the podcast, and, schedule page or retreat central of if you're registered.

So thank you very much for being here today. It was a pleasure.

Thank you so much for having us.

Thank you.

Thank you.