Bonus - How the Nervous System Impacts our Everyday

Hi. I'm never exactly sure when those live are starting. It says live on my screen. Okay. Now I'm supposed to be live.

There's always, like, a delay when I'm never really sure if we are really live, but I do think we are. I will, I will go check if I'm live for real in the group before I start chatting with you. So, hopefully, it works. Yes. I'm live.

Okay. Good. And I will be able to see your comments if you, do. So, I have notes. So if I don't look at the at the camera directly, sorry about that, I won't be able to remember everything otherwise.

So first, welcome. I'm very glad that we are starting that up. Stress too, honestly. But yeah. And, of course, I'm I woke up with a sore throat.

My, youngest is sick. We've almost not been sick this winter. That never happened. Like, I've been a mom for seventeen years, and I think it's the winter we've been the last sick. But, of course, I'll be sick this week.

You know? So I'm sorry if ever I need to drink water or something. That's why. So if you are listening to the replay, please comment two, to let let us know you're here. Please say hi in the comments to let us know that you're listening live or on the replay, and, let us know where you're listening from.

Couch is a totally valid answer. But, if you can share where you are in the world, that would be fun to know where you are. I will it's it is not a it's not very a formal event in the sense of we all are dealing with different life situation, intense life situation. I will most likely have kids pop up, during those live calls. I'm homeschooling, that moment.

And, yeah, I often don't have anybody to take, especially the youngest. But sometimes the older one pop up for no reason at random times too even if they're teens. So don't worry if there's anything you feel, and, like, you'll probably see mess behind me during those like, that's real life. Okay? So, yeah, we we're just all in it together right now.

We we know what it is. Right? So, what what to expect from the call today first? We'll go over how the week will go on, what how it works. It might feel a bit overwhelming.

There's a lot of things going on. I especially don't want you to feel more overwhelmed that you likely already are, so I'll try to lower that as much as possible. I'll explain a little bit how the prize works, the goal of the event. I'll give you pointers on how to choose what to listen to because other unless you are already have the deep connection pass, and, again, keep the presentation. I don't want you to feel like you have to listen to all the presentation.

This is just not realistic. That's not the goal. The goal is not for you to listen to everything. I'll go into that a little bit more later. I'll talk a bit about what the deep connection path is if you, don't have it yet or if you have it so that you know what you got in it.

And we will go a bit in the what is the nervous system and how it impacts, your daily life because many of the presentation are referring to that, and I wanna make sure that we are all on the same page. So, first, if you don't know me yet, I pick it. I will start with that. I'm Anouk Briard Godbeau. If you wonder how to pronounce, it's French.

From Quebec, not from France. So I'm French Canadian. I'm myself a mom of three emotionally intense kids, which basically is where all of this started. I'm what I decided to call myself a parent advocate because I work with parents, and I do everything to support parents in any settings. I have a master in social work.

I worked with parents of kids with all kind of special needs, medically complex, developmental delays, name it. A lot of thing mental health issues, substance use, any kind of special needs. My definition of special needs is very large. So I work with parents for their basically, the last seventeen years of my life, which is as long as I've been a mom. I'm also a consultant for nonprofits.

And in my business, I support parents of emotionally attached kids, because I don't want you to be as lost as I was for way too many years. Why I created this retreat? I wanted to bring together some wonderful speakers, that will help you see parenting in a different way and find different ways to deal with your kids and with your daily reality. Because if there's one thing I think we all agree on is that what I call general parenting advice, big quote if you're listening on the podcast, they don't work, okay, for our kids. And we've been told to do things that don't work and that likely put oil on the fire, again and again and again, and that's what we wanna break this week.

And I also want you to have different perspective, different ideas. And if you resonate with someone this week and wanna work and get more support from them, then that's the perfect opportunity to get to know them this week. So, yeah, so, again, if you're just joining us on, the Facebook live, you can, comment and tell us that you're here and where you're listening from. So this week, the presentation will be available at 9AM Eastern American Eastern Time, each morning starting tomorrow morning for twenty four hours. And because I know how crazy your life is, starting on Friday when all the presentation will be released once.

So Friday morning at 9AM. All of the presentation will be available again for forty eight hours. So until Sunday morning, 9AM, again, American Eastern Time. The roundtable all the live calls, roundtable, the interviews, this call will all be available until the end of it all, so Sunday morning at 9AM. So you can catch up on those at many times.

And they are also everything will also be on the podcast feed. So this is my favorite way to learn. I will go into that a little bit later. In each day, you'll get an email with all the links for where to listen. Basically, it will be the what I call Retweet Central, aka schedule page.

There's also a printable version of the schedule if you're a paper person that was asked for us by one of our participants, so I created that. It's findable on the Retreat central page. You can download it, print it, do whatever you want with it. If you are you printed it earlier, make sure to go check it again or just add, because the live from this afternoon was added late, like, just recently on that schedule because it was a, add on, basically. So yeah.

The live, of course, the live will all be recorded, and you'll have access to the replays. But if you wanna ask a question to the speakers that are on the lives, I encourage you to be there live. But I know it's not possible for everyone, time zones, life. Right? So that's why the recording will all be available.

If they are on Facebook, even they will stay in the group. Otherwise, they will be under Retreat Central and on podcast. So, blah blah blah. Where where was I? I'm lost in my own nose.

Yeah. There's links on the retreat central based on each day. They won't be working normally before the data released. The goal to releasing things day by day is both to lower overwhelm and also that it's funnier if we all go on the same topic all the same like, together at the same time so that we can chat a bit more about those during that day. So, yeah, the the goal is really not to overwhelm you, though.

Check on their both the Retreat Central and on the pinned post on the Facebook group. And, again, on the podcast, there is three overview videos. So I did a overview of each day, with a, like, a short description of each of the presentation and my own takeaways so that can help you, decide what to listen to. I try to, like, pinpoint who it would be helpful for, basically. Some are more advanced presentation, I would say.

If you're just new, just discovering this all concept, I don't suggest those, for example. But, of course, you do what you want. At the end of the day, you're the one who knows what you know you need best. Prizes. There is seven prize in total, one deep connection past that will be, given tomorrow morning.

But based on interaction you do today, both on this presentation and the other live presentation of the day, I'll get into more detail a bit later. I will also give away my navigating judgment workshop because that's a big thing for parents of emotion intense kids. We're judged a lot. My easier outing audio stories, with a workbook if you're a paper or just reading person. This is, yes, the title kinda say it.

I'm not good with original title. Like, if you're having trouble going out of the house with your child, this is for you. And my confident parent journal, because I think it's it's key. It's basically my my master's degree topic. So yeah.

And, also, there is an opportunity to get a six month access to the community membership. There's three person who will win that. At the end of the event, you need to fill the application form on the retreat central. I'm guessing you're kind of starting to get the idea that everything is there. If you don't know where something is, go to the retreat central link.

So, yeah, you need to fill out that form because I wanna make sure that the peep person who wins will actually use the the membership. So how to win? Get the bingo card. It's, again, pinned post in the Facebook group or retreat central. You guessed it.

So just to make it fun, I mean, we need to to play a little bit more. I think as parents, we often are too serious when we are having struggles. So let's make things fun a little bit, into, Cara's presentation on collaborative game to connect, which is a very great way to have fun with your child. And so, yeah, the just filling out the the bingo card, and and then you come share in the bingo thread post that is pinned at the top where you can download the card. It's altogether.

Make let's make it simple. Right? So when you have a bingo, you take a screenshot or whatever you want, and you, share it there. The deep connection pass will be given away, to people who are commenting on this call or the one this afternoon, my time, with Danica Medox or, a gold sponsor, that will we will go over I'm blanking right now. I'm I'm gonna check and come back to do with you validation for power struggle.

Yeah. Reducing power struggle through validation. Okay. I have notes, but clearly, they're not complete. So, yeah, so anybody who comments on one of those will be entered to win a deep connection pass, and I will announce that tomorrow morning.

Normally, all the prize will be announced the next day on 9AM, around 9AM because life. If you already purchased the Deep Connection Pass, don't worry. You can have a choice. Your pick, either I reimburse you or you get credit for the same amount that you paid. And, yeah, to enter, you just need to comment on one of those two lives, today.

And I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm and if ever you're not on Facebook, because I know some people are, you can also send me an email with some anything, something about it. I've just that we know you don't listen to it, basically. I try to put the recording as early as possible, just a time to, like, process them. The other prizes so most of the prizes, they will, I will just go each date on the thread for the bingo and pick. So, like, randomly pick someone who shared the bingo.

If you your bingo was all had already a prize, it won't count. But if you have more than one bingo, of course, you can share more than once. And the prize only announced the next day. And as I said, there are three, three times three chances to win a six months in the calming the intensity community memberships. Ship.

There's no s. So you need to fill out the form in the retreat central. And, I've shared a bingo in the thread, over the week. And the winners will be announced at the end of the live conference on Friday, my time again, on the twenty eighth at is it one? I think it's 1PM.

But check the retreat control. And you also can add if you have Google Calendar, you can add the calendar to your Google Calendar with all the links. It's very easy to access. So the goal of the event maybe I should have started with that. But, anyway, the the goal, I'm pretty sure you know because you're here, it was to learn how to navigate conflict with your emotionally intense child or kids without losing control.

Because I know that so often we try to stay calm, but it's so hard not to yell, not to shout, not to escalate, because we're triggered. We'll talk about that later today, like, in a few minutes. And this is also that you can connect with your child and foster a more peaceful family dynamic. So yeah. And I know that might sound very far away for for some of you because it might be a total shouting match in your house.

It was the same in my house. Okay? I promise you it's possible. Is it easy? No.

But it's possible. Is it going to happen in, like, the week? No. I I won't, but it will be possible. And so for some reason, I just realized I don't see the comments where I I record, but there is some comments.

So. So Monica, Jenny, and Sarah will come. So glad that you're here. So, yes, I'm glad that the schedule was, useful for you to plan. Okay.

So, that's a good segue to my next topic, how to not be overwhelmed by this, event because there is a lot going on. I'm aware. It can be very overwhelming. There is, like, if you went to the thirty presentation and, like, seven live call, I think, we have, you would probably feel, like, dizzy by the end of the week. Okay?

I did that once the first time that I attended years ago. That's not a good idea. Okay? So don't do that. You will just be overflowing with stuff and information and probably just stuck and not able to take any kind of action.

And information is good, but if we don't do anything with information, it's moot. So, go only to the presentation related to things that you are that are really in need right now, that are a struggle right now, and that you'd say, like, I I need a solution for that, and I'm ready to put that solution into action. And, of course, you can also go to presentation you're just curious about because sometimes we're like, follow your gut. Follow your if if some presentation you're like, I'm curious what she or she or he is talking about, what they're talking about, go. Because sometimes just that little hint of that piques my curiosity might be an answer.

So you might find an answer in one of those presentations. So I know that's not helping with the no overwhelmed part. But the other thing I really want you to go away with is that you know best. Okay? You are the one who knows best what you need, what your child need, what your family needs.

So follow your gut as much as you can. And I know it's hard. I know it's bad and simple because we've been told so many times that we don't know, that others know best. I'm sorry if you're hearing my daughter is playing that she's a dog most likely. So, she's barking right now.

So yeah. So follow your gut and go to what you think is very necessary for you right now or what you're like, Curious. That that could relate, because and sometimes, like, those presentation will just bring you mindset shift, and that's great too because it's a big thing. We really want to switch the thinking on some topics, and the two first round tables are kind of giving you the hint of what's the goal of this week. Like, we want to to go away with things that I will go back this today, but, basically, kids do well when they can.

They are not doing anything on purpose, and you are key in making things possible. You have more power than you think, but nothing's your fault. The nuance is important. We'll go back to that. So, yeah, I'm going on on a tangent, and, of course, I lost my train of stuff and where I was in my notes.

Like, I already did that. So, of course, if you're looking for something, go with the reach reach central. And if you wanna keep things for longer, if you wanna go deeper, if you wanna dive on another topic later on, the deep connection path is always available. If you want to, like, take action, do something with the information that you have. Don't go to too many.

You can go two, three a day unless you have a lot of time. The podcast can be very great for that, especially for those who are just mindset shifts or just you're curious about. The podcast is a great one. Like, you can listen while you drive, you walk, you play a boring game. Kara would not like me doing something like that.

You are, I don't know, doing dishes or laundry or name it. Right? That's why I love podcast. But, the ones that you wanna implement, if you can be active, take notes if you're a note taker, record things, like, find what you'll do. Take time to decide what you'll do with the information.

Because otherwise, it's just overwhelm of information, and it's not going to help, basically. Okay? We tend to get a lot of information when we are struggling because we are waiting for that one thing that will solve everything. Sorry to break it to you. There's none.

Some things might be helpful and change mindset in an important way and the way you were looking at things, which is wonderful, but it won't solve everything in one twenty minute presentation. If that's why you're here, you can leave. I'm sorry. It won't happen. But I really hope that we will bring you as much value and help you find solution for smaller things in your everyday because that's how things change, small small change, basically.

So, yeah, I think that's the best way to, go about it and not feel overwhelmed. And, of course, you can always get the deep connection pass if you want. So what's the deep connection pass? If you got it because you were like, oh, that's great. And did it really look into it?

Or if you didn't and you're curious, the basic of it, of course, is that you get ongoing access to the presentation replays. Every replay of the week, like, the kickoff call will be in and the interviews and everything, roundtables. You can take your time. You can come back. You can listen to that song later, whatever fit your needs.

You have ongoing access for the foreseeable future to those. The podcast and transcript will be accessible for a year. There was nobody listening to it after six months last time, so I decided that a year was more than enough. So, yeah, it's it's it's worth to but the video, I have subtitles or captions. Sorry.

Learned the difference recently. And so you can, of course, listen to those. There's also bonuses in the the deep connection pass. So there's more than 20. I lost count, honestly, but I lost count at 20.

So more than 20 program course, membership, like, resources from our speaker that are normally paid for. They are it's over a thousand dollars worth. Again, I stopped counting at a thousand dollars, but it's more than that. And some are the price of some are more than what you'll pay for the Deep Connection Pass. So it's very worth it.

It's more than 90% off the total price that you'll pay. You also get a live support session on March 24, with me. So there's two times in the day to fit all around the world for, time zone and your reality. That call will be a group call so that we will go back, and the idea is to and then there's also a week of support with me, chat, like, like text. The goal is to help you implement.

Again, like, I want you to do something with all the information that you will get this week. So, yeah, that's what in the past plus a month in the coming Dense and Sleep community membership. If you win the sixth month and you have the pass, it adds up. Yeah. There's a few hours left, almost twenty four is it two?

True? Am I no. No. More than that. Two days.

Sorry. Until February 26 at 9AM, we are at, $67, early bird. So, yeah, I'm gonna put the link somewhere in the comments if you wanna get the deep connection passed. If anybody has question, I don't see anything in the chat. Sometimes there's a slight delay.

I'm gonna reload just in case. I don't see any question. So I hope that was all clear. I will now dive into the, the the dive dive into the nervous system. So, the way I decided to add, that was my plan on the kickoff call, quite frankly.

But I went through all the presentation, of course, ahead of time, and I realized that many of them were hinting into regulation and coregulation and dysregulation. And I wanted to make it clear for everyone that was not necessarily familiar with those concepts. So, what are regulation, dysregulation, and coregulation? That's what basically we will be diving into now. It's all related to the nervous system.

So, yeah, I there's also some podcast episode I can point you to if you wanted more on those topics, but we will make sure that we all have a basic understanding on how the nervous system works and how it impacts, our interaction with our kids, basically. So it's especially it's important for everyone. Okay? Basically, everyone has a nervous system. Right?

But when we are parenting emotionally intense kids, it's especially important because the nervous system of everyone in the house will be triggered more often, and that will be the source basically of all the reaction. No matter the reason behind your child might have a diagnosis and might not have a diagnosis, I don't that, like, that's doesn't that's we don't care. Okay? Whatever. Everyone will have a nervous system that will react.

And what is the common thread basically of every kid who is emotionally intense and every parent who is emotionally intense is that the nervous system is more reactive. Okay? And what we want is to not go like, work against our nervous system. We wanna support our nervous system. K?

So understanding how it works help us support that nervous system, and many of the presentation this week will address that, how to support the nervous system in different ways, basically. So what is the nervous system? It's basically the body's control center, and it helps to react to everything that's happening around us and inside of us. There's two key part, the central nervous system, the brain and spinal cord, which we won't talk today, but basically helps you move, Partially. Not not just that.

A lot of the other things, but let's keep it simple. And the autonomic nervous system, that's what we are talking about today. So the the autonomic nervous system has two part again, the sympathetic and the parasympathetic. So the sympathetic nervous system is the stress reaction one, the one that puts us in, like, fight or flight. Okay?

The parasympathetic is the rest and digest. It helps us relax and recover from the stress reaction with a caveat later on. And rest and digest is important because it plays with the digestive tract. So when we are in sympathetic, our digestive tract doesn't work really well. So if you or anybody in your house has digestive issues, this is a telling that they might be it's, of course, not necessarily told me reason, but it might be a sign that they are in a stress response a lot of the time.

Different state of the, sympathetic nervous system are fight or flight. I think we know them pretty well. The fight will often be, like, when you or your child snaps and that conflict, but, you know, you're on open open conflict. The fight is when you wanna just leave. Basically, you are your child.

Freeze is like this stuck feeling that will often come with. We we kind of don't know what to do. Fawn, which is less known, is a people pleasing state to avoid conflict. The example would be like to toeing around to your child to avoid a meltdown, for example. And while this parasympathetic nervous system is we are in rest mode, so calm, basically, we can also go, it can also go on overdrive, if you will, and go in vagal shutdown or collapse.

And that's when you can't do anything anymore. You can't fight or run or like, your nervous system just shuts down. And you might feel numb and dissociated or that's where you're in burnout, basically. So that's, like, the and when when when your sympathetic or your stress response is too intense all the time, sometimes you will go on the other side completely and go in fatal shutdown because your, like, rest system is trying to help, but it it's not working. It's too much.

So you'll find you'll fall on the other side. Sometimes we experience mixed state. So we could be, for example, in, I don't know, fight and freeze at the same times, which, like, you wanna take action. You are not unable to take action. You wanna move.

You wanna do something. You wanna but you're froze. So it it's very frustrating. And it's normal to go into the stress response. Okay?

Like, life is stressful for whatever reason. The problem is when like, we need to bounce back. And when we don't bounce back, that's where there is a problem, basically. And being in the stress response all the time can lead us to shut down or can just leave us in stress response all the time. And that's where there is a problem because it interacts with all of the body and all of the other organs, and then it brings some ill tissues, anxiety, of course, depression, name it.

So that's where there's a problem. But being in stress response and back, that's normal. It's when we don't bounce back that's there's a problem. And with intense families, we are more often in stress response because of everyone's nervous system being more sensitive. I'll go back to that in a minute.

So, I hope that was clear. I thought I didn't lost everybody with that. I know it's a bit technical of a concept. If ever you have some question, feel free to put them in the chat. If I don't see them live, I will come back to those later.

I promise. And, of course, other speakers can chime in because I'm sure others are already know, that and they can also chime in and share their insight on all of those information. So what's the impact that all of it has on our kids and why our kids have a more easily aroused nervous system, I'll say. And I will first refer you to the first roundtable that we add on defense that is what if it's not bad behavior. Just that to make it clear that kids I also already said that today.

Kids do well when they can. What we really wanna dial down this week is that our kids, no matter what they are doing, they are not doing it to annoy us. They are doing it because they are in their stress response. Hopefully, not in vagal shutdown, but it's also possible. They are in stress response.

So no matter what they are doing, how they are reacting or behaving, it's because they are in their stress response for a ton of reasons. They will all have their own reasons to be in in their stress response, but it's all a stress response. And because it's stress triggered, it's not a voluntary. It's not a decision they're taking. And even sometimes, like, for example, fun is a people pleasing thing.

So it looks really voluntary, but it's still not. It's still acting from a stress in in their body. And even if their action looks intentional, it's not. It's because there is a need that's not answered. There is a stress that's triggered, and they are acting from that space.

So go listen to that roundtable if you're not sure that you get what I mean. It is very important. We are acting from that premises this week. Okay? So if you think that we will correct the behavior, this is not the goal.

Yes. We will. Ultimately, we will act on behaviors for sure, but not by acting on the behavior itself, by acting on what's triggering the behavior. So the stress reaction that's coming from an unmet needs of some sort, That's what we are focusing on this week. So why are our kids more reactive than most kids?

That's why I call intense. Okay? It can be a neurodivergence, and there is a lot and neurodivergence is a very big world. It just means that the brain is wired differently, and there can be a ton of reasons. Okay?

Your child doesn't need an ADHD or autism diagnosis to be neurodivergent, and you don't need to know, basically, to know that your child is more intense, it's valid. If you are experiencing it in your life, it's valid. Okay? No need for a diagnosis to for this week to be helpful for you. It cannot be harmful anyway.

So the idea is that the brain of those kids are extra sensitive to many triggers, and each and every one will have different triggers that will they will will be more sensitive to. Okay? Also, kids in general have a brain that's not developed. Okay? Their brain was still growing and learning to handle big feelings.

One of the things they're learning, but they're learning a ton of things. That's true for every kid. The kids who are a bit different for whatever reasons, they also can have a brain development that is not, in line with their biological age. So that will have an impact too. Okay?

Many of those of our kids have sensory sensitivities, and this is a very, very complex topic. Okay? Is touching on that, in her presentation partially, but we we won't go very in-depth with that. If you're you're thinking your child has a sensory sensitivity and you wanna address those, check OTs, occupational therapist. They are the specialists of, the sensory system.

Also, the other things that can impact our child, nervous system being overreactive basically is trauma. And I don't want you to run at me saying trauma. I'm not talking necessarily about big trauma, like car accident or abuse. Okay? It can be, but it also can be what we call a little t trauma, which is an accumulation of small trauma.

And it all all plays together because a child is more reactive, and it it's easy when you look at kids that are very, fight mode. Okay? Those kids will often behave with codes incorrectly, according to the normal, social standard. And so they will do they can be aggressive. They will be disturbing, and then they will be corrected all the time.

But each time we correct those kids and I've done it. Okay? Most of everyone here have done that. It's not I'm not blaming anybody. It's it's a reaction, and I'm calling from us too.

I'll come back to that later. But when we correct those kids based on their behavior, we are creating little trauma. Okay? Because we are telling them that the reaction they are having that's coming from stress is not correct, is bad. So we're creating small trauma.

One of those doesn't really matter. An accumulation of a ton of those does matter. At some point, it will create a nervous system that's more sensitive the same way that someone who got a big trauma will also get a nervous system that's more reactive. I hope I didn't, lost or traumatize anybody here, but I don't want you to see trauma as something that's, a rapidly negative. Okay?

It really is just, yeah, those those those moments a trauma is when the answer of someone around us or the environment is not in line with our needs, basically. Okay? How it manifests can be in a very wide way depending on everyone's reaction. If you saw my, animals analogy, I I give three animals that reacts in different ways that are kind of our different kind of kids. It's, of course, a generalization, but it gives you an idea.

I could link to that somewhere if you're curious. But, it can show up in our kids as anger, as anxiety, as impulsivity, withdrawal or passive resistance, and in older kids, in risky behavior or self harm. So all of those are manifestation of the same stress reaction. In general, some stress reaction will be associated with some of those. For example, anger goes with fight most of the time.

Not always. But it's just an example. The role of coregulation, so I intend on that. When we, when our nervous system is overstimulated and we are in stress, we are dysregulated. Okay?

When our nervous system is in is parasympathetic mode, so in rest mode, we are regulated. Coregulation is how one human impacts another human's regulation, basically. And, kids will mimic our level of regulation. So if we are dysregulated, they will get dysregulated. If we are regulated, they will get dysregulated.

And the same for us. When our kids are dysregulated, we are getting dysregulated. And this is because of mirror neurons. And I won't go in-depth with that because Gillian Gillian's presentation, sorry, goes way more in details with that. So if you wanna know more about how that all works, look at, her presentation.

And that's the the thing is that even if we don't say that we're mad, for example, or stressed, the kids will pick up on our very small physical cues. And if we are calm or regulated, it's the same thing. K? So it's basically contagious. But I will let you look at to this presentation for more on that.

What you need to remember today is that we impact each other regulation or dysregulation very easily, and it's more based on our internal feeling of regulation than what we think we project exteriorly. Okay? So even if we try to stay calm, but inside we are very, very not calm, we will most likely deregulate our child. Okay? It is better to try and look calm, but not be calm, but it counts so better to just say things.

Again, Sheila's presentation. The things that are really important to remember are that how you are matters more than your words when your child is disregulated because most everyone lose access to their communication, when they are disregulated, us and our child. And I will refer you to Shaquina's presentation on that to go more in-depth on that. But even if we don't have communication issues in general, when we are dysregulated, our communication goes out the window, and we cannot communicate the same way. And so communication goes both ways.

It's not just expressing. It's understanding. So even if we try to explain things to our kids when they are dysregulated, it's not helpful. They're not really understanding or even hearing what we're saying. We can our body language, reassuring body language will have much more impact than any word.

Yes. We can talk, but just with the goal to have a soothing tone of voice, not with the goal of them really understanding what we're saying, basically. We can just stay nearby when a child is completely disregulated to but not necessarily try to be in relations. Some kids, it will just, like, make things work worst. Sorry.

Not forced, visual communication, visual exchange. For some kids, that's really disregulating. For some, touching them will be very calming. For some, don't touch at all because it will be worse. So you know your child best once again, and you can try.

Like, it's not magical. So you'll try something. It won't work. You'll know for next time. And sometime next time, it will be different.

So but in general, kids have a pattern that once you've tried a few times, you'll know. Like, I can tell you based on the three kids I have, some are, like, need some different reaction from me when they are district related to help them calm down. Like, some needs me to hold them tight. Some needs me to keep my distance, for example. So once you know how your child works for that, it's easier to offer the right presence.

But we need to be in the right state. I'll come back. When we want to offer that presence to coregulate to our with our child, we need to notice our kids' window of tolerance. What is the window of tolerance? It's that sweet spot where we can handle frustration, stimuli, like sensitive stimuli, another kind of stimuli without going into overdrive, without getting dysregulated.

I see that as a glass of water. Okay? It's it's like if a glass of water is full, a little each little drop will make it still. If we can keep our glass of water at full, a drop won't make much of a difference. So that's basically the window of tolerance is as long as we can put water in the glass, that's okay.

If it's really close to the top, we are close to the getting out of the our window of tolerance. So that's what we wanna observe from our kids is what are the signs that tells us that they are getting close to the window of the the end of the window, like, the top of the glass. What are because once they're there, no matter what's happening, it will spill. They will get disregulated. Okay?

So we wanna act before they reach that. And sometimes we just can't. Okay. Let's be honest. Sometimes we just don't see it, and it can go very fast.

And we were not there with them. For example, they were at school. They come back and they're already at the top. Okay? Or we don't really see, and they go in overdrive or we are not really there at the moment for whatever reason and we don't notice the signs.

Like, that all happens. But the goal is to learn to detect when your kids are getting close to the top of the glass where they will go into spill of overdrive so that we can act. And when they are in overdrive and any other moment, basically, we wanna focus on coregulation and not correction of the behavior. Okay? So coregulation is helping them calm their nervous system, finding the need to answer, not correcting the behavior because they are not even they're not learning when they're in that state.

It's pointless to address the behavior. Will we need to address a behavior at another moment? It's possible. It's also possible that it's not necessary to address that behavior because when they are regulated, they won't have that behavior at all. Okay?

And this is important to remember. Some kids, most kids won't behave badly with air quotes, if they are regulated. Okay. That's the goal. And we don't need to address the behavior at all sometimes.

Because I know a lot of things that you'll see is that you connect and you con the child, and then you address the behavior. But it might not be necessary. Most kids know how to act. They know what's effective of them, and they feel shame at not doing the right thing. They're just not able to do the right thing.

And so it might not be necessary to come back and talk about the behavior itself if we can address what's the underlying cause. The behavior might just disappear by itself. Okay? I know it sounds almost magical, but that's that's true. In the moment, because we're not there yet, what you know.

I'm pretty sure you already know. Some of your child's trigger or signs that they will be getting, like, spilling, and what can help them feel calm. So I was giving, like, some kids need deep pressure. Some kids might need to move. Some kids might need to be calm in their own room in silence.

What helps your child feel calm? Okay? And being aware of those things will make a big difference. Just gonna check if there's any questions. I don't see any.

Do I? It's weird because it says eight comments, but I only see four, and I have no way of so I'm sorry if I'm not seeing your comments. I'm guessing I will see them after, because there is no way to, like, expand and see the other comments. So sorry about that. We'll come back to the question and answer, in the comments if you have any question that I could not answer live.

Okay. So the other side of it I talk about the kids. The other side of it is parents, and I try to not go too, too long. Okay? I'm almost done.

We should be good for the hour. So, how it impacts us, okay, as parents? Because as I said at the beginning, nervous system is it's everybody. It's not just our kids. And when our nervous system is regulated, we help our kids' nervous system be regulated.

More often than not, our, stress response will show up as fatigue, anger, or impatience. And when we are dysregulated, it will easily create a cycle where parents, a child trigger each other. Okay? We call we are talking about, power struggle this afternoon. This is directly related.

And so this is something that will be helpful. I also can re reference you to, Allison's presentation in Naomi's I'm not mistaken that will also, talk about that. I'm sure there's others. It's it's escaping at the moment. There's a lot, and I'm not I don't have the best memory.

But, yeah, this is something that will happen very often. We trigger each other, and we escalate, and it's a shouting match. The goal is to stay regulated so what we don't do that. Okay? Staying regulated doesn't mean staying perfectly calm.

It just mean finding steady ground. And I will never tell you, just stay calm because there's nothing more aggravating than that when you are disregulated. Please try not to say it to your kids also because when we are in that state, someone telling us to stay calm is just the worst thing because we can't. Okay? The goal is not to, yes, you can try and stay calm in the moment when things are triggering, but this is extremely hard.

What we want is to address as much as possible our glass, so our window of tolerance, and keep our glass as full so that when we are triggered, we can stay in that regulated state. Okay? Because staying regulated is what will allow us to stay calm when we are triggered by our kids because the we will be able to just pass pass the trigger. Like, we will be triggered, and we'll say, okay. I am able to just let that trigger go because, one, I know that my child is not doing it on purpose.

They are struggling. And two, because I am, I am I'm I'm calm. I'm I'm I'm not trying to be calm. I can just stay calm. And, honestly, like, this is what makes the most difference.

And it's hard because it's not something that we work in the moment when we really need it. It's something that we need to keep up with. Okay? It's like a workout habit. If you wanna, be more in shape for whatever reason, you need to do it regularly.

That's the same with our nervous system. We need to keep up with our nervous system and keep it regulated regular on a regular basis, daily basis, basically. Don't don't run. It doesn't necessarily have to take hours. But we need to keep up with it regularly so that we can, stay calm in the moment.

And I can tell you the day I realized that I was not even trying to stay calm when my kids were doing things that will normally send me in total overdrive. I'm also an intense parent. You can check out Patricia's presentation if you are an intense parent of an intense child. I realized at some point that I was not even reacting anymore, and I was not trying. That's where I want you to be.

Okay? That's that's the goal. Because when we once we can be there, everything gets so much easier. We don't go into shouting match anymore, and the kids don't have anybody to fight with, so they stop fighting. Okay?

If there's no need to behave because we are there to support their needs, the behavior stops. Okay? I know it sounds all too easy. It's not easy at all, but that's the goal ultimately. So there's many strategies to regulate yourself.

If you check Laurie's presentation, she has a lot of suggestion for you. And you can also, get into the daily, self carrier moments reminder thread thing discussion. I'm really good with that, but there's, like, group discussion in Facebook. There's one most of them from the group were created automatically. Even when we create events in groups, it creates a thread.

Okay? You can if you want reminders for their lives, live event in Facebook, you can subscribe to those. Otherwise, I won't post in any of those live, like, event thread. The only one that will be active, that I created on purpose is that one. So it's the self care daily self care moment thread.

I will post every day, trying in the morning, but I'm not always able to do it. But every day, I will post a suggestion of something you can do to help regulate your nervous system in that thread. But, also, Laurie presentation has a lot of suggestion for you. So, like, breathing techniques are a great way to regulate your nervous system. Any activity that is mindful mindfulness related will help you, stay grounded, so using your senses.

For example, I love using photography as a mindfulness tool. It might sound weird, but it really for me, it makes made a lot of difference. I even teach about that. Movement, so yoga, walking, stretching, dancing, anybody, anything, check out Venira's presentation on that. Micro break, so just taking three deep breath, taking a few sips of a warm beverage, like, just micro micro things.

And that's the thing. It's a regular maintenance. We cannot just try to take deep breath when we are triggered. This is going to be extra hard. It's doing it on a regular basis that will make a much, much, much bigger difference.

Okay? So it's finding ways to make those things, those small things doable in your every day that will help you regulate your nervous system. Again, check out Laurie's presentation and the daily reminder thread if you need help with that. I also want, before we end, address something that we are triggered by our kids' reaction. Yes.

But we are also triggered by a lot of other things that are outside of our child. It's himself itself is is himself I I don't I don't know in English how, honestly, but in French, it's a masculine word. So we lost here, but and this is another topic. But when your child like, it your child is one thing in the trigger basket, but we are triggered by a lot of things. We are triggered by judgment.

Okay? This is this is this can really easily put you in, a dysregulated mode. Think grocery shopping. Your child is having a fist for whatever reason and everybody's looking at you. You're in stress mode.

Okay? And this is just an example, but there's so many ways we're we're judged as parents of emotion in dance care, and it's just not in our in our ebb. Let's be honest. We are officially judged by people. So this is this is important to keep in mind.

Okay? This will put you in overdrive. Any, unrealistic expectation we tend on us, so we judge ourself, will also put us in overdrive. It's it's I go in deeper in this in my own presentation on confidence. And the guilt related to it all, you can go listen to Crystal's presentation if you feel a lot of guilt about what you're not able to do for your child, for example.

And all all of that, like, our our way of doing like, we need to live differently, and that can bring a lot of grief because we are in resentment sometimes of what we could have been what kind of life we could have had if we didn't add that emotional intensity in her house. Tonia's presentation will go into grief, basically. Like, what could have been if things were different? Also, the fear that goes with it, the fear of what will happen with my child. Will my child be able to be a functioning adult?

Like, all of those things are yes and no directly written to our child in the sense of it's not necessarily our child the the way they react right now that is triggering me. It's all the fear and worry that we are carrying that is dysregulating us also. And that's why that on day two, we will address many of those things. And also the relationship with the other parent or adult in your life, will will also be addressed in different presentation on days, mainly, day two and day three because it all plays a role in how you can get like, stay regulated. Okay?

So I wanted to address that because I think it's something that we often forget, and what what can dis circulate us. So in summary I'm all I'm a bit one one minute late, but we're done. In summary, we are focusing on, like, the needs underlying the nervous system stress reaction. Okay? What that's what we're focusing on this week, answering the needs so that the nervous system doesn't react whatever the need is for you and for your child.

Okay? And for siblings, we have Aileen talking about siblings also because they are often the forgotten in those dynamics. And so this is all what we are focusing on this week. Okay? Finding solution to answer the needs behind behind the stress response so that everyone's nervous system can be calmer.

So I hope you agree with me that it plays a big role. I wanted you to remember that it's not your fault, but that you have the power to regulate your nervous system so that you stay calmer and you don't go into fight match with your child as often, and that will, of course, help your family dynamic and the connection you have with your child and your family and everything else. That's why I wanted to address this topic because it is, like, underlying topic of everything, basically. And, yeah, I I hope that, that it was clear. It was not too much.

If you have any question, feel free to put them in the chat that I don't think I still cannot see. And so if you, yeah, if you have any question, come and, ask in the chat in the group. If you're listening to that elsewhere than in the Facebook group, the replay and you don't use Facebook, ask, send me an email, and I will do my best to answer. There might be a slight delay because right now there's a lot to deal with, but I will do my best. Email is not my best friend.

So, yeah, hope it was helpful and that it will help you better understand all the other presentation from this week. And, again, like, comment the the the the Facebook group if you're there. Comment. You can start a new post, introduce yourself. Let us know who you are and ask any question you want.

I want this group to be as safe as safe as possible. Okay? Which is also kind of a warning if someone has any negative things, that they're saying. I am ruthless with that. I won't let that happen.

So I want we need to make sure that this is a safe space. I can guarantee you that anybody who didn't answer the question to join the group, they didn't get in, For that reason, I wanna make sure that people agree with the rules of the group because I wanted to be as safe as possible here. Of course, it's on Facebook. I don't control Facebook. But other than that, I will do my best to make that group a safe space because I know how judged, you might have been and you might still be you likely are still are, in many settings.

So I really want this group to not be a place where you feel judged. This is very, very, very important for me because I truly believe that every parent are doing their best in this situation that they are in at the moment with the resource that you have at the moment no matter what that means. And some days, that's really great. Some days, that's crap, and that's okay too. Okay?

So I just want to make that extremely clear. So let me know if you have any question. Come join us this afternoon to chat with Danica, about, again, I'm struggling with the title of that presentation. Reducing power struggle through validation. I I even the one who suggested it, and I'm struggling with the title.

That's not good. But, yeah, come join us this afternoon at two. It's going to be a live on Facebook. Warning you right away. It always like, live with two person on Facebook is always a bit of a trouble, so there might be a little tech hiccup at the beginning, but we will make it work.

So I can't wait to see you in the group and, hear you and read your question and everything this week. Have a nice week.