001 - We are the expert of our kids
Parenting the Intensity ·
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Transcript
Today on parenting the intensity, we'll talk about the fact that we as parents are the experts of our kids. It's something that often we doubt because there are so many parenting experts everywhere, where so many people are in our kids that might be more expert than we are. But we are the only one who know them as an entire person. Let's begin. Parenting the Intensity Welcome to Parenting the Intensity, where we'll talk all about how we can drop the general parenting advice that doesn't work with our emotionally intense kids anyway, and let go of the unrealistic expectations society puts on us as parents. Together, we'll find solutions and ideas that work for you and your kids. Chances are, deep down, you know what they need. But you need a little encouragement to keep going on harder days, and permission to do things differently, and help you fully trust that you already are a wonderful parent to your exceptional but challenging kids. So, yeah, we know them best.
Why? Because we are the only one who know them in all their moments, in all their situations. We are the only one who can take every information from everywhere, and collect them, and put them together, and make links. None of the people around us can do the same. That doesn't mean, though, that we do everything ourselves. I will address that more in an upcoming episode, but it's very important to keep in mind that being the expert doesn't mean doing everything ourselves, because that's just too much of an ask. We need others' input, others' ideas, others' information, but not only from experts. It can come from any parents around us, from family members, parents of other emotionally-intensed kids, or other kids with special needs, or any other parents can have ideas that might be the right one for us. It might not come from an expert, and that's okay, too. But we are the only one who can filter that information, and decide if it's right for us and for our family. Because what we're told to do might not fit our kids' needs, or our family reality, or our family values. It's not because it's supposed to be a good solution that it will be for us. And that's one of the big things that we need to let go of as parents of kids that don't work like the norm with big air quotes. I think I'll do an entire episode about the norm, because that's an entire thing. But yeah, the fact that our kids are a bit different than that norm means that what we read everywhere, what we're told by people we should be doing, often doesn't work, and even makes things worse. So we really need to filter all that information through what we know of our kids. And again, our family reality, because some days it's harder than others, and we cannot do some things that we should be doing because we're too tired, because we have other kids, other responsibilities, we're stressed, anything. We cannot always, all the time, do what we should be doing. And we might have made decisions that go against what we are suggested or told, and that's okay.
And nobody told us that, of course, other than like basic security or really old things, related things. But on raising our kids, when we have kids that don't fit the norm, kids that are emotionally intense, a bit different, lots of things don't work. And sometimes it's hard because we feel that guilt of not applying what we're told, what we're supposed to. And we, I don't know about you, but often we won't tell people that we don't apply the suggestion because we don't want to be judged, basically. And we often need to, like when we get suggestion and we're not really sure if it works for us, we need to live with it. For example, the classic of it, like the most easy example of that is sleep. From the moment babies are born, everybody talks about their sleep. And that's something, honestly, I completely let go of because I have kids like emotionally intense kids or lots of neurodiverse kids. I have lots of trouble sleeping. And at some point, like if we want to stay sane, we need to let it go. But sleep is a very big thing. And there's some so many contradicting information out there. And we really need to test if it works. And for some kids, some things might work for other kids that won't work. And there's what works for us in our values.
So it's a mix. And it's we need to find the balance between what they need and what we are comfortable doing. And sometimes we have to stretch our comfort zone to be able to do that. Some kids need to be sleep trained on the more traditional way. Others just won't will never be able to sleep that way. Some kids need really lots of adult presence to sleep. Others need us to just leave them alone to sleep. And it's it's very hard to know without testing. And sometimes we feel as parents, we should know what to do. We should not be testing because like, would it be using our kids as guinea pigs? But not really. I mean, they're all different. And it's the beauty and the difficulty of it at the same time. So, yeah, it's it's sometimes it's just testing things and seeing how it feels. And that way we know if it's the right decision, the right action, the right course of action for us and for our family. The other like the thing that's hard in that space, it's the balance between the specialists, the experts and our instincts. And first, I want to address that instincts is not like something that's very who who who who who are like, like in the cloud. And it instincts is something that's really based in facts, knowledge and experience. But we analyze it with like very fast. And yes, it can be clouded by emotion or anxiety. But it's still if we're in tune with our intuition, it's still a good indicator that we often put aside and we don't listen to because we feel that that we should listen to the voices outside of ourself, the experts and and that our emotions are not valid. And instinct is really related to emotion, especially like culturally. And we feel that feel that's like we have that feeling of inferiority from the experts. So, yeah, we tend to follow their recommendation more than our own instincts. And in fact, it's sometimes our instincts and I would say most of the time, our instincts know better than we do or better and much better than the experts.
What's best for us and for our kids? In the future episodes, I'm going to I'm going to address many possible solutions to help with your kids. I'm going to address some myself and I will get the help of guests that are sometimes experts in their field. But at no time what they're suggesting are prescription, their suggestion to help you find what works for you. Nothing will like I really want you to to give yourself permission to trash some of the things because it doesn't fit you. But maybe to try others that you're not sure you're curious about, but you would not have thought of them yourself. That's the entire goal is giving you ideas that you can test at home and see if it works for you. But never it will be a prescription or something you have to do. It's always ideas of things you could be doing that might help you, but never something that you have to do, which is very different. And if you you're struggling to find that on your own, I have some support available if you need. I have a group membership coming soon and that will be closely related to the podcast. And I can also support people one on one so you can find the right solution for you and your your kids and family. But ultimately, you know, you know, it is just sometimes trusting that you know it. That's hard. And also in the podcast, I would love to talk with you, parents of emotionally intense kids. So we can all learn from each other. Sometimes the best idea come from from another parent who's been there, who is there, not from an expert. From experts. So, yeah, I really love I would love to talk to some of you if you're open to it. So not not one of the episode of the podcast will be the answer to your your situation. But sometimes something might click and be very helpful. And sometimes it's many things that will be helpful, one with another. But we I really want you to take really what resonates and leave the rest. Really don't have to take anything that doesn't suit you because you are the specialist of your the specialist, the expert of your kids. That same way I am with mine. And that doesn't mean I have all the answers.
Far from it. I still testing my kids and kids grow and evolve and some things that work one day won't work the other day. But the big thing is to learn to listen to our instincts and listen to our kids. The way they react and give that some more space and remove some space from what's coming from outside of of us outside of our kids input. So I hope that was helpful. It's not necessarily the most actionable thing, but I'm hoping it's something you can start trying to follow your instincts and trust yourself a little bit more because you do know it's just sometimes a bit hard to really trust that. I'm so glad you joined me today and took that time out of your intense life to focus on finding a new way to parent that works for you and your kids to get the episodes as soon as they drop. Make sure to subscribe to the podcast and please left a rating and review so other parents can find it too. Also check out all the free resources on my website at familymoments.ca so you can take action on what's the most important for you right now. And take a deep breath. Keep going. We're all in this together. Thank you.