006 - Different kind of overwhelm

Parenting the Intensity · Aug 08, 2023

Transcript

In the last two episodes, I talked a bit about finding ways to both stick on ourselves, by reducing what is triggering us and doing self-care, and also by playing detective and finding what can trigger our kids, so helping our kids stick on. And I know that's far from an easy task. So today, I thought I would help you in your detective job, both for you and for your kids, and talk a bit about what can overwhelm our kids, and us too. Welcome to Parenting the Intensity, where we'll talk all about how we can drop the general parenting advice that doesn't work with our emotionally intense kids anyway, and let go of the unrealistic expectations society puts on us as parents. Together, we'll find solutions and ideas that work for you and your kids. Chances are, deep down, you know what you need. But you need a little encouragement to keep going on harder days, and permission to do things differently, and help you fully trust that you already are a wonderful parent to your exceptional but challenging kids. So, the way I put it, as you can see by the title, is a different kind of overwhelmed. So, all the different things that can overwhelm us. That is both true for ourselves and for our kids. And since there's like an infinite list of that, I won't be listing them. But I put them in categories, so it's easier to play detective. Basically, you can take one category at a time and think that way it's kind of reducing that overwhelm of all the possibilities. So, first going to list them all, and I'm going to give some example after. So, there's emotional overwhelm, physical, sensory, organizational, mental, social, and value-based. And I might forget some, if there's some things that don't fit one of those categories, don't feel that not possible for kids. Everything's always possible. So, emotional overwhelm is in general any emotion that is too much to deal with. It's easy to think about for negative emotion, but sometimes it also can be positive emotion. Some of our kids cannot deal with too much joy. Is that even a thing?

I don't know. But yeah, for some kids, joy, excitement of something they're looking forward to can be just too much, and they don't know how to deal with it, and it's overwhelming, so then they can explode. And that super joyful thing turns into an outburst tantrum, whatever you want to name it, and turns it back to something negative. It's of course sadness or anger or fear. Those can definitely be overwhelming emotion too, but those are kind of easy to think about. Sometimes we don't know that there's an emotion there. Like kids can be very frustrated by some things we don't know about. Lots of kids have trouble with a transition and can get very frustrated very fast when they have a transition to do, and so that can fall into emotional. It can also fall into something else maybe, but I would generally say it's emotional because it does create a very intense emotion. For them, even though it looks very simple to us, like it's time to go to school or it's time to, I don't know, go eat, but they were doing something else, it can trigger them because they are suddenly really frustrated in what they were doing. So that's an emotional overwhelm. So once they're overwhelmed, they cannot think clearly, so there's no solution. Like we cannot resonate with them, we cannot explain, we cannot give consequences. All of that is just going to make things worse because they're already overwhelmed. The other one is physical overwhelm. Sensory and physical could go together, I would say, but I put them separately because there's a bit of a difference, I would say. Physical can be things that are close to sensory like eat, cold, or being hungry, but they also can be physical in a way that the physical can be overwhelming. Physical space feel overwhelming, like they're not feeling safe physically, and can also be because what they're supposed to do physically is too hard or perceiving too hard.

It's not that they might be able to do it, but they think that they cannot. So it's also emotional, like it's not super clearly cut like that, but I'm sure you get what I mean. It's just a way to think of them in separate categories. So yeah, those are more physical things to think about. What like the body, does the body feel safe and feels good, which leads to the sensory overwhelm that we really often dismiss, especially if ourself or not someone that is a sensory issues or is highly sensitive to things. Some things just not bothering us, but they're really overwhelming for kids that are more sensible, not sensible, sorry, but are more in the sensitive space. So noises, smell, texture, and I want to address noises especially because often, like for example, I have one kid that can be very, very loud to the point that it's physically sensitive. Sorry, it's physically like aggressive for people around, but she also is like very sensitive to noises. So it's different. It's not because our kids make noise that they're not sensitive to noise.

It doesn't go that way. So don't dismiss that one because your kids makes noises. It's very not the same. And it's not all noises. Some noises can be very disturbing for kids, but other noises cannot like they can eat the vacuum cleaner, but no problem with, I don't know, a firefighter truck that for us is very more intense. So it really can depend. Smell is often a very strong one and we tend to dismiss it. And like can be food, it can be perfume, it can even be like my sensitive, my most sensitive child, like the smell of the new car bothered her for like two years before she stopped talking about it. And each time she even like dreaded going in the car for that reason. So like smell can be very, very intense and overwhelming. And when in the same as emotional when they're like, they're overwhelmed by those feelings, and they cannot think clearly, they cannot act clearly and according to their age. Texture is an older big one, especially related to food texture. And like I was saying, like cold or eat sometimes kids love or eat or cold or eat cold or warm food. So yeah, in food, it's like occupational therapists work a lot of with texture because lots of sensitive kids have trouble with texture. It can also be related to clothing. I don't know if you've ever had a kids who like freaking out because of a tag in clothing. I can totally relate. I ate tag including like printed tag for the win. And I like just wearing leggings. It doesn't that sounds like anybody's dream. I definitely am. So on those notes, I do I know I am sensitive on textures. So those are examples and pretty common like seams also on socks, especially that's something we hear a lot. So all those little things can have really an impact an important impact and play a role like for example, we need to plan for five to 10 minutes for one of my child to put on socks because of those scenes.

I definitely need to find seamless stocks. But yeah, those are different. You can also put your socks inside out. But those are like different sensory issue that can really play a neutral and those are just examples. There's much more possibility. Organizational overwhelm. Now, it's something I think we can easily think about as parents like too much to deal with. I think for parents like that sounds very normal in everyday life. So when we have too much to deal with too much in our head, then we have to organize too many things and deal with too many things. It's very easy to feel overwhelmed. I think that's the default that we think about when we talk about overwhelmed. So that's kind of an easy one, I think for us, but we still do it. So that's what I would like, get your attention to where you, you have too much to do and can you simplify things. So that I would really encourage you to do.

I do have a course on that, by the way, on my website. And the part of organizational overwhelm that we cannot necessarily think about as much is for our kids, because we feel they don't have anything to organize most of the time. But it's not true because some things that look simple to us as parents can be overwhelming for them as of organization and they can have some kind of organization going on in their head that we don't even realize it's organization. So for example, cleaning your room. This is a such a classic topic that we tend to fight with our kids. Cleaning your room is huge on the organizational front. So it's totally possible that our kids cannot clean their room because they are overwhelmed by the task. So I'm planning to have people on that specific topic, so I won't go too much into that. But breaking things down can be very, very helpful on the organizational front to help kids be able to do the task that are too much for them. Like doing homework is another very classic example. Sending your kids to do homework is kind of can be hard for some kids. It's just what does that even mean? Like it sounds so simple for parents because we've been through it.

We've done them. But for some kids, it's just they don't even know where to start. And lots of kids with emotional and like the other that are emotionally intense, they have issues with that, like more than other kids. So it's more, they're more easily overwhelmed and they will have more trouble organizing themselves. So that is a big thing to consider that where your kids is butting head with you sometimes, if it's always the same things, always the same moments of the day, the same request or demand you're having, can it be a matter of overwhelming in the organization sphere? So check out with like make sure they know what they are supposed to do in what order and break the task down can be very helpful. Mental overwhelm is a bit like I touch on on the physical is in general because the task is too difficult or perceived too difficult. It can come back to the homework we were talking about just earlier. But when the kids think that the task is too difficult or we we too like I mean, sometimes I'm like, I need to learn a new software.

And I'm like, I'm never gonna be able to do that until I never start. So it's also applicable for us. But it does that seems too difficult or is in fact too difficult, bring some mental overwhelm. A bit like the organizational, it's just a bit different as because organization is organizing, you know, steps, things like that. Mental can definitely be like, just thinking about that task, all that, like I cannot do it, I don't have the capacity of doing it, which is can be true or not true. But the important part is is the perceived difficulty. Then there is social overwhelm. I think the first that we can easily think about is too many people being surrounded by too many people for us. And that's very different from one person to the other. Like some of us really don't like lots of people around some can deal with a lot of people. It can also just be not the right people. I'm sure you have some family members or really old friends that you don't really get along with that they're judgmental. And especially if you have emotional events, kids that act out, it can be very much. Yeah, it can be very, very difficult. So not the right people can vary, have a very impactful part of the social overwhelm. And what we tend to not think about on that front is not enough people. So like it's easy to think of too many people, but for some, especially some kids that are really, even adults, honestly, like my husband is like that. Not enough people is detrimental for some very extrovert people. They need people around them. They need to be in interaction with people. And it's true for kids and adults. And that was one of the big downside of people working from home for a long time during the pandemic. It's because some people needed to see more people. I mean, I was still working because I was an essential workers category.

But now I work from home and I'm perfectly content there because I'm an introvert and I don't need lots of people. I love connection and connecting with people, but I don't need as much. But yeah, other people just really need to see people and they don't, they can be overwhelmed by not enough people. I know that might sound counterintuitive, but I'm sure some of you can relate to that too. And the last one I want to address is value base, which doesn't necessarily sound like overwhelm, but can feel like it. Because when you were in a situation where we're against our values, it can definitely feel like, and things are like against our sense of right or wrong. It can be very hard to deal with what's happening and can be very, it can even feel like fear. And I will say it's easy to think about sometimes and some again with family members that we really don't align with. And a lot of the time in the school system that will happen because, or the people that are taking care of our kids in general, it doesn't even have to be school. It can be daycare, it can be family. If they really have another way to deal with our kids that we would like to, because we know our kids and we know what they need, and we have our own values too, it can be very hard. And it brings a mental load that can be overwhelming. Because we like emotional load too, because we all the time think that what can happen, what will be impact on our kids and things like that. So when we are in a situation where our values is not the same, it can be overwhelming. And it can be the same for kids. It's harder to say, to tell as parents, I would say. But the kids will know still, and they know what right or wrong. And I'm sure you add your kids come to you, and some kids are very intense with that more than others, with all the, like that's not right, that's not fair thing. That's a value-based overwhelm often. Even if it can be like too much in a situation, or feels like that for us as parents, it definitely can feel really real for kids, and that's value-based. So, I'm recapping, but they will all be listed in the show notes. We have emotional, physical, sensory, organizational, mental, social, and value-based.

And if I forget any, just let me know. And the hardest part of the detective work is that it can be a combination of a few, or even them all, that can trigger our kids or trigger us. In some situations, we have more than one. Hopefully not all of them in the same situation, but it can happen. So, that's what makes it very hard to pinpoint what the cause of a kid's losing it can be. It's really just one thing, and that's what makes it feel like it's totally random. But it's not random. I mean, they are not exploding for no reason. They're not melting down for no reason. There is a reason. We just don't know what it is. And so, knowing the triggers makes lots of difference. And it will take time. I'm not saying that you'll listen to that podcast and tomorrow you'll know.

You won't. And you'll keep finding some. And most likely your kids will still be emotionally intense most of their life. And they will learn to cope with it. The more you can help them, the more they will learn, but they will still feel that. So, it's very useful to learn and even to do some of that work with them. If they're old enough. If they're two years old, there's not much there. But I would say as soon as they can talk a little, you can help. You can make them participate in that addictive work. Not when they are melting down, that's for sure, but when they're calm, they could participate. I want to also touch just on the fact that we can be overwhelmed differently in different parts of our life and in different days. Some things can trigger us on some moments and not on others, like the same things, which makes it even harder to find the info for our kids. And also we can like feel on top of everything professionally, but totally losing it as a parent or as a housekeeper. And that's fine. I mean, it's normal that we are more overwhelmed by some stuff. Like, for example, we can be socially overwhelmed at home because the kids are all over us. Or that might also be sensory. But anyway, and at work, we can be totally fine with lots of people. So it really is context dependent too. It's like impairment, but that I'm going to address another day. It's important to remember that we are not overwhelmed by the same things. Like what I can find overwhelming, you can find so simple. Like it's you're like, what? That's overwhelming you.

I don't see how it's possible. Keeping that in mind is super important both for our kids, but also for other adults like our partners, we have one or any other person we're meeting. Like some things that are very easy for us are very hard for others. And that's something we tend to forget. I encourage you to take them all one by one. As I said, they are going to be listed in the show notes of the episodes for easy access. If you are multitasking right now, what parent isn't when listening to a podcast? Isn't that the goal of a podcast? Being able to multitask? I know I do. And as a reminder, you can also find a free course to help you parent your emotionally intense kids more easily on the show note of the website too. So see you next week. I'm so glad you joined me today and took that time out of your intense life to focus on finding a new way to parent that works for you and your kids. To get the episodes as soon as they drop, make sure to subscribe to the podcast and please left a rating and review so other parents can find it too. Also check out all the free resources on my website at familymoments.ca so you can take action on what's the most important for you right now. And take a deep breath, keep going. We're all in this together.