004 - Staying calm in the midst of the outburst

Parenting the Intensity · Jul 25, 2023

Transcript

Today on Parenting the Intensity, we'll talk about how to stay relatively calm as parents in the middle of a kids outburst. Welcome to Parenting the Intensity, where we'll talk all about how we can drop the general parenting advice that doesn't work with our emotionally intense kids anyway, and let go of the unrealistic expectations society puts on us as parents. Together, we'll find solutions and ideas that work for you and your kids. Chances are, deep down, you know what they need. But you need a little encouragement to keep going on harder days and permission to do things differently and help you fully trust that you already are a wonderful parent to your exceptional but challenging kids.

That was the question that I got from a mom in our community. When our kids are very intense, they're screaming at us, throwing things, being very physical, how can we stay calm? And once again, I'll be disappointing and tell you there's no magic solution. You can leave now and look for someone else to give you the magic solution. Expect you probably already try and it's not working. Otherwise you wouldn't be here. So yeah, there's no magic solution. But there's some things you can do and I'm going to address that. And I'm going to also bring people on to help the same way as what to do to help your kids stay calm, to find different ideas. And again, I would like to bring you on, parents of emotionally intense kids, to share your experience and what works for you. Because I really believe that it's in community and sharing together that we will find a solution and ideas. So first, because I know it's the need right now, right that minute, maybe in the moment, there's no thousand magic things that we can do to remain calm. I would say the most important thing is to breathe.

You can use like the rubber band thing that was going around on Pinterest a few years ago. I always thought it was a bit silly, but if it works for you, it works. No judgment here. Sometimes we do what we have to do. But just telling you to breathe, it's kind of a joke, I would say. It's not sustainable solutions. It's not because I tell you to breathe that you'll magically think of breathing when you're yelled at, when you're kicked at. And honestly, that will take you more energy than anything in that moment. When you deal with your kids, you don't have that energy, you don't have that ability to calm down. You need a more sustainable answer than that.

And I'm sorry to tell you, but the sustainable answer is healthcare and confidence. It might sound weird and I know, again, a bit disappointing because it's not a magic trick. But I'll explain a little bit more. In those moments when we are like yelled at or screamed at, that were it, that were... Most of the time we lose it because we are physically or emotionally triggered by your kids' actions. The sound that they're doing can be just too much. It makes us react physically. I know one of my kids was like that. The sound is so... I pitch, it comes inside of me. It's like, ooh! It's physical reaction. We can fear for our physical safety in those moments. We worry about what will happen to them later in life if they act like that. We doubt of the way that we're dealing with the situation. We're like, I'm a bad parent. That's horrible. It should not happen. We're annoyed and exhausted at the idea of cleaning a mess. That's so easy.

Another mess. Over Ed, we feel judged by people around us that are looking and thinking most probably, or at least we think they're thinking that we're not doing a good job. And so we're in flight and fight mode. We are not being rational or calm. And it's not easy to say just breathe and stay calm. To stay calm in moments like that, we need to be able to regulate ourselves and keep control of our own emotion in the moment when our body is telling us that we are in danger. That's far from easy to do. Like physically we are in danger. Our instinct is telling us fight or run or freeze. And yeah, it's asking a lot of us to stay calm. And if that stay calm, take a breath works when you have regular kids, might, not always, but might. If you have emotionally intense kids, it won't. Because when they melt down, they act out, it's so much more intense that it is emotionally, physically triggering. Even if you don't have like an emotional baggage or like past trauma or anything. And to that, that you might have those, it gets very, very, very hard. And as much as I wanted it to not be true for years, and as much as I wanted to find solution and tricks and tips to stay calm, like the rubber band, nothing really worked.

Why? For that reason. Because we are physically being driven. And we always try to focus on the kids in those moments and find solutions that will calm them down. But what we really need to do is to calm ourselves down, to regulate ourselves. And it's not possible to just snap our fingers and calm ourselves. We need to give ourselves some preemptive care to be able to do that in those moments. We need to practice that outside of those moments to be able to do that in those moments. And it's only when I started doing that that I was able to stay calm. And am I saying I'm always calm in those moments and I never stop?

No, it still happens. But much, much less often than before. And I stop myself much more easily. So self-care is part of that answer. But some form of self-care will work better than others. Any self-care is good for us. And anything that will help for you is good. Go do it as much as you can. But what will be very helpful in those situations is ways to do self-care that will help us regulate our nervous system. Like yoga, meditation, breath work, for example, of that. Practicing those outside of those moments will allow us to be able to use them in the moment. I use photography as a mindfulness practice. And so that was a big part of it. I also do almost daily yoga. Those are things that with time allowed me to stay calm and my kids have all burst and they still have.

The three of them. Different ways, but still. And I know that's not what you want to hear. Like I know that it's so hard and we don't have time and we don't have... But there's no magic solution. That's the only thing that will be sustainable a long time. Because to some point, at some point when you know how to use those tools in your normal life, you'll be able to use them in those very intense moments. Without them taking you more energy, but instead helping you calm yourself and really regulate and give you energy in some way. And it's very something that you need to practice outside of those moments. Cannot be just a quick fix. Also like those practices will help us be more in tune with our kids needs, with our instincts. And will help us play detective as I was talking in other episodes. And so this is going to help us prevent triggers, prevent our burst also. Because we will be more present in what's happening and present to our kids. But we really need to be our best self to be able to do all that. And that's very hard and it takes time. I have a free self care workshop on my website that you can go get. That will help you find little cracks of time in your day to put in self care. And I'm going to do episodes about that because self care is often overrated. And it's very socially, like not going to this spa is not what I'm talking about here. It's another form of self care. Because I really know we don't have that much time, especially with intense kids. We don't have time to focus on ourselves that much. But we need to. We really need to. The other thing is feeling confident with what we are doing and not worrying in that moment when we're dealing with the big like crisis. Worrying about our kids future, worrying about what others are thinking or doubting that we're like screwing them up.

This is super huge. And once again to do that it won't be a quick fix. It won't happen just like that. It will take time. But it's something we can work on that will have a very big impact because then we don't feel as triggered in those moments because we can feel like sure, confident, like people can judge, can comment even. And we're like, yeah, I know I'm doing the right thing for my kid. Even if it looks weird to you, I know I'm doing the right thing. When we feel that way, even if our kids is like yin and kicking, crying, we will still address things very differently because we will react very differently. And that starts by clarifying what is causing our child behavior and finding ways to address those preemptively instead of reacting when they explode. I talked about that a little in another episode and I also have a free mini course that you can go check. It's parenting your emotional weekends more easily. That will help you starting that process.

I will put all those links in the show notes. And of course, we'll address that in other future episodes. And I also have a guide that will help you narrow down all your kids' triggers, your needs, their strengths, and everything. But there's different resources that you can use. You don't have to do it all yourself because it's very, very hard. Reducing the intensity of the outburst or the frequency is also a big part of you not blowing up also when things are hard and being able to stay calm. Because you won't be able to regulate yourself a thousand times a day that way. Like at some point, it's just too much. You have a max of emotional trigger you can deal with in a day. And so preventing those outbursts, at least some of them, and reducing their intensity by knowing your kids' triggers is one way to help you stay calm also. So yeah, it's a different aspect of things you can work preemptively that will help in the moment. Of course, on the short term, you can do things like, for example, what is already helping you stay calm? In general, not just with your kids, but just knowing what helps you stay calm, what helps you calm down and using those. And trying to regulate yourself. Are you hungry? I know when I'm hungry, I lose patience very, very fast. So making sure you already have something to eat. Are you too hot?

It's too warm, it's too cold. Helping you feel physically better in the moment will also be helpful. Because when you already are triggered by something that is not related to your kids, you will be more easily triggered by your kids. And if you are emotionally intense or are highly sensitive, it will be especially important to do those things, to serve your emotional trigger, to serve your regulation before you're able to stay calm at all. So you can definitely pull the rubber band and try to take the 3-D breath and remind yourself that deep breath means exhaling, not inhaling more deeply. We want to exhale as much as possible when we take those deep breaths. Taking is not helpful. It really needs to be deep breathing and deep exhaling. I'll try to get someone on the podcast deep breathing. I think that would be very helpful for a lot of us. We can also pull ourselves out of the situation if it's safe for our kids and for everyone involved. I know it's not always the case, but if it is and it helps you calm down, just get out of it. I will bring more resource, more episodes to help you with that. As I said, I have two free and one paid resources on my website that can help you. They will all be linked in the show notes. To help you start to take care of yourself, help you start to play detective with your kids and clarify things around that. That will be helpful for you. Right now, the one thing I would say is try to get clear on one thing that helps you calm down when you're triggered and use that when you're with your kids. It's the first thing. Then find something that will help you on the long run. You can use the self-care guide on the website if you need help to do that. I'm so glad you joined me today and took that time out of your intense life to focus on finding a new way to parent that works for you and your kids. To get the episodes as soon as they drop, make sure to subscribe to the podcast and please left a rating and review so other parents can find it too. Also check out all the free resources on my website at familymoments.ca so you can take action on what's the most important for you right now. And take a deep breath, keep going, we're all in this together.